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Showing posts from 2009

7 Dec 09 stuff

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Jesus 'may have had non-dom status'
A new film suggests that Jesus may have visited Britain for less than 90 days in one year. The documentary, 'And Did They Cheat?', explores whether the Messiah performed several miracles whilst staying in Britain, such as not paying tax on any earnings, visiting several large, empty homes and turning huge debts into massive bonuses.

FINAL AGREEMENT REACHED ON THAT CRUCIAL COPENHAGEN CLIMATE CHANGE MEETING MENU:
Main course - Humble Pie
and... er,
that's,
it.

THE DAILY MAIL
We don't understand the local language...
Yet, we've built bridges...
We've bolstered the infrastructure...
We've tried to help where we can, but...
ISN'T TIME THE ARMY PULLED OUT OF CUMBRIA?

Is the sanctity of Marketing being ruined by christmas?
asks the Very Reverand Simon Cowell

BNP LEADER SAYS IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP GIBRALTAR*
*To Germany

NEW RUSSIAN 'POSITIVE HISTORY' SCHOOL CURRICULUM 2010
1. HISTORY - World War II 1931-1945 - How the German …

Cliff in Xmas single crisis

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Click to read the text (if you can be arsed)

23 nov 09 stuff

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THAT 'I'M A CELEBRITY, get me out of here...' LIST IN FULL:
In order of importance
Jordan - Britain's top glamour girl Katie Price - Britain's other top glamour girl Samantha Fox - Britain's top ex-glamour girl Jordan Fox - Britain's top amalgamated current & former glamour girl Some bloke who used to be someone's brother in EastEnders Someone who once waved at Cliff Richard's grandmother A woman A man Another man Someone who never met, but once lived next to the Uncle of the bass player in The Archies The presenters of 'How Not To Decorate'
'BRING BACK NATIONAL SERVICE FOR THE YOUNG' say everyone too old to be conscripted themselves
BBC Head of Non-Entertainment complains that the image of Casualty and Holby City is being ruined by the 'hum-drum, everyday nature of the NHS''In a real hospital, you need a cliffhanger every 23 minutes, and this simply doesn't happen' says chief (cont. on pZZZzzzz)
CHARLES DEFENDS 'TRADITIO…

Nov 9th '09 stuff

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DAILY MAIL: Will Afghan War cause house prices to fall? (moron p9)

Other news: Afghan police 'full of corrupt idiots who fire indiscrimately'Ideal candidates for vacancies in The Metropolitan Police's firearms unit... (p9)

Twitter to monitor popular tweet subjects
The online social networking site is to appoint a regulator called 'The Twittfinder General,' who will check the most popular subjects commented on by the Twitterati, and organise instant mobs into a 'workable collective that can perform direct physical actions.' The Twittfinder General has extensive powers in his grasp, such as 'boring at the stake' and 'drowning in a stream (of invective).'
He has already issued the following edict: "That anyone hereby known caught making national treasure Stephen Fry more depressed than he already is, will be hung, drawn and quartered and there heads displayed outside the X-Factor house until their flesh be picked clean by the birds. The same a…

26 Oct 09 stuff

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THE SUN COMMENT - WHERE IS THE QUEEN?
Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know.
Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out.
QUEEN TO STAR IN PANTO
The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)

12 oct stuff

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OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow"
Entertainment Newzzzzzz: 'AWFUL FILM' TO BE GIVEN AWAY' An experimental film called 'The Rage' starring Jude Law is to be the first movie to be made available as a free download to mobile phones. The director of the universally panned film said that we should embrace the internet and not be afraid of free downloads, especially if no cinema
is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it.
Goto http://www.shitenewfilm.com/ to see it for free.

The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT:
ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years.

TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR
Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners. WOMEN CAN BE PAEDOPHILES TOO SHOCK Mummy bear 'denies involvement in disappearence of Goldilocks.'
Pope 'not head of organisation that moves …

sep 28th stuff

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NEW £50 BRIXTON NOTE
accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers

The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED
Royal Mail management has exposed the full extent of the dodgy working practices’ that have been employed by postal workers for decades and are now the reason for the strikes that have brought chaos to the mail system.
Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full:
Wearing sombreros,
Smelling of onions,
Riding donkeys,
Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon,
Being an air traffic controller and going on strike.

Letter of the day
Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space)

Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way
Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94)

BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL*
*From Afghanista…

14 sep 09 stuff

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Families of Russians killed by American-made Stinger missiles to sue U.S. Government The families of Russian soldiers who died in Afghanistan in the 1980's at the hands of the CIA-backed Mujahadeen are to sue the American government. The families are requesting compensation from the U.S. for supplying the Stinger missiles that killed their sons.

Other Pentagon news: CIA to employ two Doncaster torture brothers "We aim to learn all their juvenile torture techniques," said a CIA spokesman, "As a treat we may even teach them all about waterboarding," before revealing that the 'Feral Two' will be flown in an unmarked jet to 'a secret camp in a friendly despotic country.'
Other News: Pot calls kettle 'black'
MOYLES BREAKS RECORD FOR CONTINUOUS DRIVEL ON RADIO Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles today celebrated his breaking of the long held 'drivel' record at Radio 1, beating the previous incumbent Tony Blackburn - who had held the record for 36 years…

1st Sep 09 stuff

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BIGGS ARRIVES IN TRIPOLI

MANDELSON REASSURES PUBLIC HE IS STILL IN CONTROL
Lord Mandelson has assured the UK population that he is still running the country, despite having surgery to remove an enlarged prostate gland. The surgery - which was successful - was performed by the Business Secretary himself, following a local anaesthetic, also applied by Lord Mandelson. The First Secretary of State explained, “Even though I was having surgery, I want to reassure the British public that I was in touch with Downing Street at all times. Although I did feel some very slight discomfort whilst stitching, I was still able to conduct official matters of state with my left hand, by means of a Blackberry.”
It is believed that the Business Secretary communicated several policy decisions whilst on the operating table, and after remaining overnight in hospital he discharged himself, but not before he helped to deliver several babies and perform minor brain surgery.

NOTICE:Official USA boycott of Scotch goo…

17 Aug 09

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IT'S THE NEW FITNESS CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!
Free-running, or to use the original French term 'leggineet de les gendarmes,' is all about getting you from A to B no matter what obstacles are in your path - such as walls, cars, the person you just stole that bag from, or the police - and it's guaranteed to get you fit!

3 Aug 09

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MALLOCH-BROWN: 'Moon IS made of cheese'
Foreign Office Minister, Lord Malloch-Brown has revealed that the Moon is indeed made of cheese, which contradicts his statement last week, when commenting on the Moon landings, he said that 'anyone who thinks the moon is made of cheese is clearly off their rocker.'
However, after consulting with top members of the government and top advisors, the Minister has now revised his initial statement, and now says that the lunar surface is definitely made up of cheese material. Lord Malloch-Brown then went on to point out that Bears do not use the woods to defecate, and that the Pope was definitely not Catholic.

FOOTBALLER TO SUE MAN WHO 'REPEATEDLY HEADBUTTED HIS FISTS'
Footballer Steven Gerrard is to sue the man who he defended himself against in a bar brawl.
Blurry ccTV footage clearly showed the Liverpool & England star protecting himself with his fists as a DJ repeatedly headbutted them, suffering facial cuts and a lost toot…

20th July 09

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FINANCE NEWS: HUGE INTEREST IN CITY FOLLOWING CHILD'S REPORT
"One of the clearest, most thought-provoking insights we've ever seen."
Bankers have been astonished by a boy's essay on working practices in the financial sector, with a report that has generated five or six times more responses than usual research does. "It's something we've never seen before, literally dozens of fund managers, and several CEOs have been e-mailing and calling all day," revealed one city analyst. The report, by a 3 year old, reveals the folly of high risk investments with money you haven't got in the first place, and then awarding yourself for this idiocy with six figure bonuses and vast pensions.

OTHER CITY NEWS: Foetus to decide on investments for futures traders
"1 kick for Yes, 2 for No" plan mooted.

TODAY'S PITILESS, UNCARING CITY LUNCH DISH:
Bluefin Tuna and veal escalope on a bed of foie gras (ONLY ?399,99 from the fixed price menu)

ME & MY SPOON…

5th July 09

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM NHS DIE-RECT:
HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death
1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK.
2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible.
3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs,
5. Er, that's
6. It...

ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD...
with Randy J. Bullshitorelli...
"I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be found in ti…

22nd June stuff

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In brief: THIS WEEK'S COVER-UPS
MPS EXPENSES CENSORED
Parliamentary authorities will black out juicy details from the publication of individual M.P.s expense claims, leaving only cash amounts. A futile attempt at censorship as The Daily Telegraph (and therefore everyone else) holds a 'clean' copy.
IRAQ WAR INQUIRY WHITEWASH
The government will attempt to hold the Butler inquiry behind closed doors to stop people finding out that the government lied over WMD as a pretext over invading Iraq or that Tony Blair knew that Britons could be tortured at Guantanamo Bay, causing an angry backlash that forces the Prime Minister to offer the concessation of holding some of the sessions in public.
NEW POWDER PUFF BANKING REGULATIONS
Will allow the financial services industry to carry on doing whatever the hell they want to do - investing in high risk ventures and awarding themselves huge bonuses - thereby causing further economic crises for generations to come.

FOX NEWS FLASH: President '…

8th june rubbish

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FLINTOFF IN NEW OUTBURST
'These foreign cricketers come over here, don't speak a word of English, take our wickets - it's not right you know.'

NEW PAXMAN OUTBURST

"We should all stop behaving like barbarians and read more books. Books like... The Victorians by Jeremy Paxman, The English: A Portrait of a People by Jeremy Paxman, The Political Animal: An Anatomy by Jeremy Paxman, On Royalty by Jeremy Paxman, Friends in High Places: Who Runs Britain? by Jeremy Paxman, or, what about Fish, Fishing and the Meaning of Life? by, er... Jeremy Paxman."
TENNIS NEWS: Brit Murray progressing well in French Open
Late Tennis News: Scotsman blown away in French Open Quarter-final

KIM JONG-IL reveals son will be successor

His rarely seen son, KIM YUNG-UN is to be (cont. p94)

AUSTRALIA CRACKS DOWN ON HATE CRIMES
A diplomatic source in Canberra said, "We need a sophisticated, analytical approach to this problem, to show the world that Australia is not a backward, racist country - …

21st May 09

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21 May 09:
BNP LEADER TURNS DOWN PALACE INVITE
Nick Griffin has rejected an invite to the annual Buckingham Palace party, after he revealed that he didn't want to be seen consorting with intolerant, reactionary types that could damage his career. People like Prince Phillip and Prince Harry do not fit into today's... (cont. p1945)

On other pages:
BNP EXPENSE CLAIMS FINALLY REVEALED: Jackboots, bomber jackets, hair clippers and adult literacy help books and signed pictures of David Irving high on the list

THE BIG QUESTION FOR PARLIAMENT:
After all the reforms and opening up to public scrutiny of the political process, just how will Westminster restore the electorate's traditional contempt for politicians?

Criminals to be walked home for last mile by police

8th May 09 stuff

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8 may 09:
Stephen Fry's letter to himself: "Dearest absurd child"
"I hope you are well. I know you are not. As it happens you wrote in 1973 a letter to your future self and it is high time that... ...And you know what? I think you are right." • This is a twitter version of a very long article too boring to read in it's entirity. For more details, go to Pseuds Corner

DiaNA profile 'could be stored indefinitely'
Despite attempts to set a limit of 12 years by the European Court of Human Rights, it is feared that DiaNA could be forever held in perpetuity for the nation. One expert asked; 'Isn't twelve years enough to wallow in false grief about someone you had never met?'

NORTHERN IRELAND:'Publicans remain highly dangerous' reports body
The group that monitors paralytical activity in Northern Ireland (shurely shome mishtake?)

JOBLESS THUG WHO DRINKS 24 LAGERS A DAY 'TO BE MADE LIFE PEER
'Shameless drunkard who has milked system for y…

April 25th graphics

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April 25th stuff

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25 april 09
POLICE ROUND-UP: "Cut number of arrests..." police chief tells officers "...by murdering suspects"
Time saved in lengthy trials and court-type proceedings would free up man-hours to do the real job of (cont on p999)

G20 DEATH: A NEW LEAD?
Was their a sinister establishment plot behind Ian Tomlinson's tragic death?Perhaps Prince Philip was involved? asks Chief Insp. Mohammed Al-Knacker of Old Scotland Yarn.
On other pages:9
SUSPECT CORPSES HELD BY POLICE 'TO BE DEPORTED'
MET OFFICER REVEALED AS DRIVER OF LORRY IN TSVANGIRI CRASH

Daily Telegraph: DEATH OF THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY
Tragedy in Tewkesbury as the Montague-Heffer de Pfeffel Capulets break up.
Schezerade Jasmine Coriander and Agamemnon to live with mother when home from Prep... (cont. on Court Circular pages).

LABOUR SMEARS ACCUSED TORIES 'OF HAVING MORALS'
Disgusted Conservatives have blasted back at the government after they were accused of 'not being Machiavellian enough' and NO…

more april 09 graphics

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april 09

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8 apr 09: POLICE OFFICER TO CLAIM FOR INJURIES FROM G20
A brave police officer who's baton was headbutted several times by 'out of control anarchists' during the April Fool's Day protest is to file a claim for... (cont p94)

OTHER PREDICTABLE NEWS:
CCTV footage of G20 summit 'rather mysteriously lost' say smiling police

OBAMA TO BE SUED BY CHILDREN'S TV STAR
Bob the Builder said to be furious over 'Can we fix it? Yes we can' claim by U.S. president.
"It's all a bit vague and unporfessional," argues Bob, "You should NEVER make a promise without also giving a considered estimate about how long the job will take - and how much it will cost. Anyone who doesn't is a cowboy in my book. I mean, take that George Bush..." (estimate continues for several pages)

The Independent: Surprise visit to U.S. is on the cards for Obama
President to offer hand of friendship to country traditionally seen as reactionary, backward-looking, extremist and …

further march 09 rubbish

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