Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Jesus 'may have had non-dom status'
A new film suggests that Jesus may have visited Britain for less than 90 days in one year. The documentary, 'And Did They Cheat?', explores whether the Messiah performed several miracles whilst staying in Britain, such as not paying tax on any earnings, visiting several large, empty homes and turning huge debts into massive bonuses.
FINAL AGREEMENT REACHED ON THAT CRUCIAL COPENHAGEN CLIMATE CHANGE MEETING MENU:
Main course - Humble Pie
THE DAILY MAIL
We don't understand the local language...
Yet, we've built bridges...
We've bolstered the infrastructure...
We've tried to help where we can, but...
ISN'T TIME THE ARMY PULLED OUT OF CUMBRIA?
Is the sanctity of Marketing being ruined by christmas?
asks the Very Reverand Simon Cowell
BNP LEADER SAYS IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP GIBRALTAR*
NEW RUSSIAN 'POSITIVE HISTORY' SCHOOL CURRICULUM 2010
1. HISTORY - World War II 1931-1945 - How the German Fascists raided Mother Russia in the early thirties and murdered millions
2. TOURISM & MARKETING - The Conquest of Siberia by our brave patriots
3. MATHS - The dirty trick of US, GB and France to cut Europe in half
4. COMPUTING - Learn to use Photoshop with Uncle Joe
MAFIA OFFERS HOLIDAYMAKERS A WAY OF VISITING SICILY WITHOUT FEAR OF FUNDING ITALIAN GOVERNMENT
Cosa Nostra travel will provide complete holiday packages - including travel, hotels and restaurants 'entirely free from the stench of Berlusconi's corrupt government.'
'People want holidays that don't subsidise organised government,' revealed one mobster.
Monday, 30 November 2009
In order of importance
Jordan - Britain's top glamour girl
DAILY MAIL: Will Afghan War cause house prices to fall? (moron p9)
Other news: Afghan police 'full of corrupt idiots who fire indiscrimately'Ideal candidates for vacancies in The Metropolitan Police's firearms unit... (p9)
Twitter to monitor popular tweet subjects
The online social networking site is to appoint a regulator called 'The Twittfinder General,' who will check the most popular subjects commented on by the Twitterati, and organise instant mobs into a 'workable collective that can perform direct physical actions.' The Twittfinder General has extensive powers in his grasp, such as 'boring at the stake' and 'drowning in a stream (of invective).'
He has already issued the following edict: "That anyone hereby known caught making national treasure Stephen Fry more depressed than he already is, will be hung, drawn and quartered and there heads displayed outside the X-Factor house until their flesh be picked clean by the birds. The same applies to Cheryl Cole."
BNP leader Nick Griffin has said he will break from the past and tone down what he termed 'the racist, homophobic bully boy laddishness' that Radio One Breakfast Show has come to represent over the past few years (cunt. p9)
Criminals stunned as review says it is they who should be prosecuted (cont. p94)
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know.
Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out.
The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)
Monday, 12 October 2009
OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow"
is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it.
Goto http://www.shitenewfilm.com/ to see it for free.
The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT:
ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years.
TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR
Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners.
Pope 'not head of organisation that moves certain priests around.'
HARINGEY COUNCIL: Outrageous new claims
Titanic 'still on course for timely disembarkation'
JFK visit to Dallas 'a resounding success'
North Korea 'ideal system of government'Honour killings 'promote multicultural society'
War in Afghanistan 'definitely winnable'
Exclusive: THAT 'FIT AND PROPER PREMIERSHIP OWNER LIST IN FULL:
Monday, 5 October 2009
accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers
The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED
Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full:
Smelling of onions,
Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon,
Being an air traffic controller and going on strike.
Letter of the day
Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space)
Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way
Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94)
BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL*
Church must lose S&M image to swell members
A man dressed entirely in black who represents the Church of England has described himself ‘frustrated’ and has said that the church needs to shed its ‘suited and booted’ image in order to attract followers of other fetishes. 'Wouldn't Jesus be in the queue at Ann Summers?, said the bishop to the (cont. p9)
GREAT BIKE PARTY IN LONDON
Last week, over 50,000 cyclists reclaimed the pavements of the capital as part of the climax of a summer of cycling initiatives. London mayor Boris Johnson applauded the event, which included several bike-themed competitions such as ‘riding drunk with no lights,’ ‘riding with too much lycra’ as well as the ever-popular ‘screaming at pedestrians who have the temerity to cross in front of you at a zebra crossing,’ and ‘riding through a red light one-handed whilst you shuffle your i-Pod with your child on the handlebars.’
‘WE WILL INVADE POLAND’
Liberal Democrat leader in desperate attempt to gain publicity at party conference. Other plans mooted by Nick Who? include landing on Mars ‘by the end of the decade – not this one, the next one.’
On other pages: Further savage cuts to Lib Dem leader’s image promised (pgZZzzzz)
Is anyone reading this? Hello?? ...No
Other Pentagon news: CIA to employ two Doncaster torture brothers "We aim to learn all their juvenile torture techniques," said a CIA spokesman, "As a treat we may even teach them all about waterboarding," before revealing that the 'Feral Two' will be flown in an unmarked jet to 'a secret camp in a friendly despotic country.'
Other News: Pot calls kettle 'black'
Michael Jackson's career death was kept a secret for at least a decade before his fatal heart attack in July, it was claimed yesterday. In a desperate move to fool fans... (cont. pZZZZZZ)
NHS IN CLASSIC CASE OF UNDERSTATEMENT
Lord Mandelson has assured the UK population that he is still running the country, despite having surgery to remove an enlarged prostate gland. The surgery - which was successful - was performed by the Business Secretary himself, following a local anaesthetic, also applied by Lord Mandelson. The First Secretary of State explained, “Even though I was having surgery, I want to reassure the British public that I was in touch with Downing Street at all times. Although I did feel some very slight discomfort whilst stitching, I was still able to conduct official matters of state with my left hand, by means of a Blackberry.”
It is believed that the Business Secretary communicated several policy decisions whilst on the operating table, and after remaining overnight in hospital he discharged himself, but not before he helped to deliver several babies and perform minor brain surgery.
NOTICE: Official USA boycott of Scotch goods.
From now on, famous Scotchland goods will be replaced by real American products.“Scotch Whiskey” is to renamed “Texan Bourbon”
“Haggis, Neeps and Tatties” = “Trump’s Stomach, Liberty Cabbage and Freedom Fries” “Cullen Skink” = “Mom’s Apple Pie” “Cock-a-Leekie” = “Cheese strings and grits”
Now go to the website: http://www.boycottscotchland.com/
OXFAM PRESS RELEASE... Announcing the most eagerly anticipated charity offload since the 'The Da Vinci Code.'Six years in the writing, 'The Lost Symbol' is Dan Brown's extraordinary sequel to his internationally best selling charity books, Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code.The reading of the ‘The Lost Symbol’ will take place over a 12-hour period, before being donated to Oxfam. From the first page, readers will be intrigued and will feel the thrill of discovery that they will soon once again be dropping off another of Dan Brown’s weighty tomes in a bin bag with other unwanted goods and bric-a-brac.
AFGHAN ELECTION ‘NO MORE CORRUPT THAN A U.S. ONE'
TOXIC SHIP RETURNS TO UK WATERS
A ship containing over 1,400 tonnes of rubbish, including some speeches and slide shows by the former Liberal leader Lord Steel, arrived back in Britain yesterday, after a storm of protest...(cont. p94)
Friday, 21 August 2009
IT'S THE NEW FITNESS CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!
MALLOCH-BROWN: 'Moon IS made of cheese'
Foreign Office Minister, Lord Malloch-Brown has revealed that the Moon is indeed made of cheese, which contradicts his statement last week, when commenting on the Moon landings, he said that 'anyone who thinks the moon is made of cheese is clearly off their rocker.'
However, after consulting with top members of the government and top advisors, the Minister has now revised his initial statement, and now says that the lunar surface is definitely made up of cheese material. Lord Malloch-Brown then went on to point out that Bears do not use the woods to defecate, and that the Pope was definitely not Catholic.
FOOTBALLER TO SUE MAN WHO 'REPEATEDLY HEADBUTTED HIS FISTS'
Footballer Steven Gerrard is to sue the man who he defended himself against in a bar brawl.
Blurry ccTV footage clearly showed the Liverpool & England star protecting himself with his fists as a DJ repeatedly headbutted them, suffering facial cuts and a lost tooth in the process. The man, who is now under round-the-clock police protection in case he decides to attack more wealthy footballers, has been threatened by football fans and other well-wishers. The star revealed his shock about the attack, saying, "What if I was a goalkeeper? He could have seriously damaged my livelihood with his dangerously jerky head movements against my hands."
OTHER NEWS: Amy Winehouse to prosecute woman who smashed her face into the singer's hand at a charity function.
DAILY EXPRESS: FLU HOTLINE MANNED BY GYPSY IMMIGRANT JUNKIE ALCOHOLIC TERRORIST MAD MURDER COWS
The swine flu hotline is being manned by people with no medical background, says madman. (cont p93)
Ordinary families 'are shut out of top jobs' shock
Bears 'refuse to use toilets outside in backyard'
Vatican 'not part of council estate'
Significant drop in knife sales in certain sectors is shored up by consistent rise in the crucual 12-19 year old male purchaser market. "It's an exciting growth market" say retailers.
MET OFFICE DOWNGRADES SUMMER FORECAST
Previous 'barbeque summer' forecast lowered to 'indoor barbeque summer.'
EXTREME HUMORISTS THREATEN SACHA BARON COHEN
All-Satyrist Brigade will respond if he makes another over-the-top one joke movie...
HOLIDAYwatch: Keep tabs on where have our lazy leaders gone this summer...
ELLIOT MORLEY smugly sunning himself, lazing in a deckchair with a drink in hand,
in his back garden.
GEORGE OSBORNE on a yacht in the Med.
OSAMA BIN LADEN walking in the Lake District.
GARY GLITTER at Butlins Holiday Camp, Skegness.
Have you seen someone on holiday where they shouldn't be? Contact GNOME HolidayWATCH now
FINANCE NEWS: HUGE INTEREST IN CITY FOLLOWING CHILD'S REPORT
"One of the clearest, most thought-provoking insights we've ever seen."
Bankers have been astonished by a boy's essay on working practices in the financial sector, with a report that has generated five or six times more responses than usual research does. "It's something we've never seen before, literally dozens of fund managers, and several CEOs have been e-mailing and calling all day," revealed one city analyst. The report, by a 3 year old, reveals the folly of high risk investments with money you haven't got in the first place, and then awarding yourself for this idiocy with six figure bonuses and vast pensions.
OTHER CITY NEWS: Foetus to decide on investments for futures traders
"1 kick for Yes, 2 for No" plan mooted.
TODAY'S PITILESS, UNCARING CITY LUNCH DISH:
Bluefin Tuna and veal escalope on a bed of foie gras (ONLY ?399,99 from the fixed price menu)
ME & MY SPOON with Boris Johnson
Where did you set your spoon from?
"This silver one? I was born with it in my mouth."
How much did your spoon cost?
"Oh cripes! Erm, about ?250,000?"
Don't you think that's a bit excessive for a spoon when most people can only afford a cheap plastic one?
"Well, well (unwritable blustering noise) erm, cripes, well mine has many uses, er, for, for, for instance, I, I, I, (looks at watch), I use it for feeding my chickens in my eco-coop back in Henley."
KISSINGER IN LINE FOR SECOND NOBEL PRIZE?
Unprecedented second peace prize could be awarded to the original exponent of a defence strategy based on the covert bombing of a country next door to the one where you are actually waging your war.
HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death
1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK.
2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible.
3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs,
5. Er, that's
ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD...
with Randy J. Bullshitorelli...
"I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be found in time to stem the flow..."
BROWN TAKES TIME OUT FROM RUINING THE COUNTRY TO OFFER SYMPATHY TO JACKSON FAMILY
Jackson doctor to release tribute song: "Heal the world make it a better place - with a rather dangerous cocktail of strong prescription drugs..."
(c) All Newspapers: "Now let's leave the family alone to grieve privately"
(full story, commentary and pics on pages 1-45)
URI GELLER: Why didn't I see this coming?
M. AL-FAYED ASKS: Why has no-one mentioned yet that Prince Phillip could have been seen speeding from Jackson's mansion in a white fiat uno? Is it because of a top-level conspiracy?
Have you been affected by Michael Jackson's death?
How many days off work did you take this week?
Where was YOUR shrine?
Is this enough Ed?
WE'VE GOT NEWSPAPERS TO FILL - Text our premium rate line with YOUR VIEWS ON JACKO'S DEATH
The Daily Telegraph REVEALED: GP 'GHOST PATIENTS' LIST IN FULL
The Brown Lady of Raynham Hall
The Bell Witch
The Woman Borley Rectory
The Demon Drummer of Tedworth
The Amityville Horror
Mary Worth aka Bloody Mary
Monday, 29 June 2009
MPS EXPENSES CENSORED
Parliamentary authorities will black out juicy details from the publication of individual M.P.s expense claims, leaving only cash amounts. A futile attempt at censorship as The Daily Telegraph (and therefore everyone else) holds a 'clean' copy.
IRAQ WAR INQUIRY WHITEWASH
The government will attempt to hold the Butler inquiry behind closed doors to stop people finding out that the government lied over WMD as a pretext over invading Iraq or that Tony Blair knew that Britons could be tortured at Guantanamo Bay, causing an angry backlash that forces the Prime Minister to offer the concessation of holding some of the sessions in public.
NEW POWDER PUFF BANKING REGULATIONS
Will allow the financial services industry to carry on doing whatever the hell they want to do - investing in high risk ventures and awarding themselves huge bonuses - thereby causing further economic crises for generations to come.
FOX NEWS FLASH: President 'murders' live on TVBarack Obama today killed during a live TV interview at the White House yesterday, (cont. p94)
FOX POLL - WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Is it right that Obama should murder live on TV?Or do you think it is a good thing?Call Rush Limbaugh NOW Toll-free 011-94-94-ZZZ-ZZZZZ
How the media works - this week: THE DAILY MAIL
The Wheelie Bin Revolution (pages 1- 7, 14)
The opposition attempt revolution in Iran (page 26)
Monday, 22 June 2009
'These foreign cricketers come over here, don't speak a word of English, take our wickets - it's not right you know.'
NEW PAXMAN OUTBURST
"We should all stop behaving like barbarians and read more books. Books like... The Victorians by Jeremy Paxman, The English: A Portrait of a People by Jeremy Paxman, The Political Animal: An Anatomy by Jeremy Paxman, On Royalty by Jeremy Paxman, Friends in High Places: Who Runs Britain? by Jeremy Paxman, or, what about Fish, Fishing and the Meaning of Life? by, er... Jeremy Paxman."
Late Tennis News: Scotsman blown away in French Open Quarter-final
KIM JONG-IL reveals son will be successor
His rarely seen son, KIM YUNG-UN is to be (cont. p94)
AUSTRALIA CRACKS DOWN ON HATE CRIMES
A diplomatic source in Canberra said, "We need a sophisticated, analytical approach to this problem, to show the world that Australia is not a backward, racist country - and that all the bloody abo's, wogs, chinks and their ilk can all feel safe here."
OLDEST POTTERY FOUND IN CHINA FOUND TO BE FAKE
'Made in Britain' sticker found on base
Friday, 5 June 2009
BNP LEADER TURNS DOWN PALACE INVITE
Nick Griffin has rejected an invite to the annual Buckingham Palace party, after he revealed that he didn't want to be seen consorting with intolerant, reactionary types that could damage his career. People like Prince Phillip and Prince Harry do not fit into today's... (cont. p1945)
On other pages: BNP EXPENSE CLAIMS FINALLY REVEALED: Jackboots, bomber jackets, hair clippers and adult literacy help books and signed pictures of David Irving high on the list
THE BIG QUESTION FOR PARLIAMENT:
After all the reforms and opening up to public scrutiny of the political process, just how will Westminster restore the electorate's traditional contempt for politicians?
Criminals to be walked home for last mile by police
Stephen Fry's letter to himself: "Dearest absurd child"
"I hope you are well. I know you are not. As it happens you wrote in 1973 a letter to your future self and it is high time that...
DiaNA profile 'could be stored indefinitely'
Despite attempts to set a limit of 12 years by the European Court of Human Rights, it is feared that DiaNA could be forever held in perpetuity for the nation. One expert asked; 'Isn't twelve years enough to wallow in false grief about someone you had never met?'
NORTHERN IRELAND: 'Publicans remain highly dangerous' reports body
The group that monitors paralytical activity in Northern Ireland (shurely shome mishtake?)
JOBLESS THUG WHO DRINKS 24 LAGERS A DAY 'TO BE MADE LIFE PEER
'Shameless drunkard who has milked system for years is 'ideal candidate for House of Lords...' (cont. p94)
Royal News: Prince Harry told to 'cut hair'
On other pages: Wills asked to 'shave beard'
POLICE ROUND-UP: "Cut number of arrests..." police chief tells officers "...by murdering suspects"
Time saved in lengthy trials and court-type proceedings would free up man-hours to do the real job of (cont on p999)
G20 DEATH: A NEW LEAD?
Was their a sinister establishment plot behind Ian Tomlinson's tragic death?Perhaps Prince Philip was involved? asks Chief Insp. Mohammed Al-Knacker of Old Scotland Yarn.
On other pages:9
SUSPECT CORPSES HELD BY POLICE 'TO BE DEPORTED'
MET OFFICER REVEALED AS DRIVER OF LORRY IN TSVANGIRI CRASH
Daily Telegraph: DEATH OF THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY
Tragedy in Tewkesbury as the Montague-Heffer de Pfeffel Capulets break up.
Schezerade Jasmine Coriander and Agamemnon to live with mother when home from Prep... (cont. on Court Circular pages).
LABOUR SMEARS ACCUSED TORIES 'OF HAVING MORALS'
Disgusted Conservatives have blasted back at the government after they were accused of 'not being Machiavellian enough' and NOT solely existing to be in power and to line the pockets of the privileged few.
McBRIDE-GATE: THE BACKLASH 'Why didn't we think of this first?' rages Conservative Central Office
THE SUN: HILLSBORO: "WE WANT JUSTICE"
says KELVIN MUCKENZIE
"It was twenty years ago that a whole nation of scum... sorry scousers, rounded on some hard-working decent journalists who were only doing their job. It's been twenty years of hurt for them, many of whom descended into a life of booze and lies that often ended in the High Court. It's high time the City of Liverpool apologised for their totally over-the-top grief-wallowing reaction to a tragedy that was a long time ago. What happened to the so called Liverpudlian sense of humour in all this?
Do you agree with Kelvin? * Are you mad? * Call 0800 666 666 666 NOW for medical help.
CAMPAIGN TO STOP CLIFF SINGING AT WIMBLEDON 'A RESOUNDING SUCCESS'
All England Club say installation of £1million retractable roof 'a small price to pay' if halts the singer's interminable singalongs during washouts.
Friday, 24 April 2009
A brave police officer who's baton was headbutted several times by 'out of control anarchists' during the April Fool's Day protest is to file a claim for... (cont p94)
OTHER PREDICTABLE NEWS:
CCTV footage of G20 summit 'rather mysteriously lost' say smiling police
OBAMA TO BE SUED BY CHILDREN'S TV STAR
Bob the Builder said to be furious over 'Can we fix it? Yes we can' claim by U.S. president.
"It's all a bit vague and unporfessional," argues Bob, "You should NEVER make a promise without also giving a considered estimate about how long the job will take - and how much it will cost. Anyone who doesn't is a cowboy in my book. I mean, take that George Bush..." (estimate continues for several pages)
The Independent: Surprise visit to U.S. is on the cards for Obama
President to offer hand of friendship to country traditionally seen as reactionary, backward-looking, extremist and violent (cont p94)
CONTROVERSY AS GRAND NATIONAL WINNER
'HAS BETTER TEETH THAN JOCKEY'