5th July 09

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM NHS DIE-RECT:
HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death
1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK.
2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible.
3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs,
5. Er, that's
6. It...

ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD...
with Randy J. Bullshitorelli...
"I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be found in time to stem the flow..."

Other News:
BROWN TAKES TIME OUT FROM RUINING THE COUNTRY TO OFFER SYMPATHY TO JACKSON FAMILY

Jackson doctor to release tribute song: "Heal the world make it a better place - with a rather dangerous cocktail of strong prescription drugs..."

(c) All Newspapers: "Now let's leave the family alone to grieve privately"
(full story, commentary and pics on pages 1-45)

URI GELLER: Why didn't I see this coming?

DI'LY EXPRESS
M. AL-FAYED ASKS: Why has no-one mentioned yet that Prince Phillip could have been seen speeding from Jackson's mansion in a white fiat uno? Is it because of a top-level conspiracy?

GET INVOLVED:
Have you been affected by Michael Jackson's death?
How many days off work did you take this week?
Where was YOUR shrine?
Is this enough Ed?
WE'VE GOT NEWSPAPERS TO FILL - Text our premium rate line with YOUR VIEWS ON JACKO'S DEATH

The Daily Telegraph REVEALED: GP 'GHOST PATIENTS' LIST IN FULL
Marie Celeste
The Brown Lady of Raynham Hall
The Bell Witch
The Woman Borley Rectory
The Demon Drummer of Tedworth
The Amityville Horror
Mary Worth aka Bloody Mary
Lily Langtry

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