Thursday, 9 September 2010

Thursday, 10 June 2010

7th June 2010

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD
Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement.
The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout)





CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’
David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood.

Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full:
1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners
2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics
3) We can't shoot foxes
4) Er,
5) That's it

OUT OF RESPECT, ALL REFERENCES TO GUNS ARE BANNED FROM THIS ISSUE

--
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
Woman splits from man she was going to marry.
Another woman may or may not be pregnant.
A teenage singer attempts to break into adult market with the usual 'raunchy outfits followed by half-hearted pole dance followed by simulated lesbian kiss with dancer' marketing tricks.


24th May 2010



LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’
The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’
Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’

TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects
Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years.

New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash
The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, when we bloody want to’ rule will allow airlines to fly in the zone for a limited time. The authority's move was welcomed by airlines, regulators and manufacturers.

ENGLAND STARS IN TRAINING FOR WORLD CUP
The England football team arrived at their new training camp in Austria to try and recreate as near as is physically possible conditions as that they will experience in South Africa in just over a month’s time.
It’s believed that nothing has been left to chance to get the squad up to speed, and alongside the games machines and pool tables, several dozen perma-tanned, nubile, high class hookers have been flown in, special dedicated phone sex lines have been connected – and William Hill has opened a branch next door to the ground.
It has not yet been decided which high up member of the FA will be caught in a sex scandal.

MPs TO HAVE PAY CUT*
*excludes directorships for marketing groups, tobacco firms or landmine manufacturers




12 May 2010


end of April 10


Wednesday, 14 April 2010

PM Stats for dummies

election round-up




Mandy's Hypno Vote on The Independent

http://indyeagleeye.livejournal.com/212887.html

A deeply surreal piece of election frippery for you this afternoon: the Peter Mandelson hypno-vote.



I think it's best to take this one at simple face-value. I've been listening to it on repeat for the last ten minutes. It's eerily soothing.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Mandy's Hypno Vote

I'm now sponsored by renault clio's, great...
Mandy's hypno vote is at the end of Telegraph's two-minute election tvcast here till 5pm today:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/uk-politics-video/7583062/Two-Minute-Election-Labour-launches-manifesto.html

or forevermore here:
http://www.lionel-adams.co.uk/projects/mandy-hypno-vote/

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

16 mar 10


NAÏVE STORY ABOUT 3DTV NEGLECTS TO MENTION OBVIOUS LUCRATIVE PORN ANGLE
Do not see inside for more >>
No comment on p9

DAILY MAIL
REVEALED: The 492 native species driven to extinction UNDER LABOUR.
Brown’s government dallies as brown bears, lynxs, and wolves die out..
(cont. on pZZZzzzz)

THATCHER FLEES UK AS CLEGG PROCLAIMS 'ADMIRATION'

Post Office to forward all junk mail to the Direct Marketing Association
(address helpfully printed below)
The Direct Marketing Association
DMA House
70 Margaret Street
London W1W 8SS

1 mar 10



STAFFORD HOSPITAL 'PRAISED FOR PIONEERING UNASSISTED SUICIDES'
Managers at the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust have been praised and ‘remunerated accordingly’ for their pioneering work in unassisted suicide techniques over the past few years.

In a patient care routine known as “ignoring and humiliating,” managers ensured that costs were cut and all government targets were met, whilst patient waiting lists were kept low through increasing death rates. Nursing techniques included not washing patients for weeks, not providing them with food or drink and not assisting them to the lavatory.
Other practices involved getting relatives to wash soiled sheets at home, ignoring infections and falls, and dead bodies on the wards.

TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES SET TO FALL
The government announced the good news today that teenage pregnancies in the UK are predicted to drop when England football squad departs for World Cup in June. (cont. p.ZZZzzzz)

INQUIRY LAUNCHED INTO BABY P DOCTOR ILLNESS
An inquiry has been launched into why no-one noticed that the doctor who last saw Baby P alive was seriously ill. The report will look into how the media failed to spot that Dr Sabah Al-Zayat has suddenly become unfit to appear before a public hearing.
How could we miss the signs? There was no full story and pix deal brokered with The Sun, Max Clifford was not involved… (cont. p94)


15 feb 10



COUNCIL NEWS
Birmingham City Council has revealed it will have to make savings of up to £69m by April 2011.
Council executives have said this target will be achieved by offering a voluntary redundancy package to one chief executive refuse operator - who earns around that amount annually when overtime, backdated pay and standby allowances were taken into consideration.

NEW CHILDREN’S TV SCHEDULE FOLLOWING LIFTING OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT BAN
Thomas the First Capital Connect Tank Engine & Friends
The RBS Clangers
In The B&Q Night Garden
Peppa Pig brought to you by Walls
The Teletubbies (already sponsored by Teletubbies Inc. of Pyongyang)

DAILY MAIL: WILL JOHN TERRY CAUSE RISING HOUSE PRICES?

‘I’ll die just like Diana,’ fears Katie Price
Newlywed Katie Price has revealed that she fears she could die in a Diana-style car crash (cont. p94)

WHAT DO YOU THINK? How do YOU should Katie Price die?
Ring or text now:
0898 500 600 1 – Garrotted in bizarre scarf meets kitchen blender accident on Celebrity Masterchef
0898 500 600 2 – Thrown off the Burj Tower in Dubai
0898 500 600 3 – Hung, drawn and quartered before National Lottery Live
0898 500 600 4 – Sent to Helmand Province without the right combat kit
0898 500 600 5 – Er, that’s
0898 500 600 6 – quite
0898 500 600 7 – enough, Ed.

Calls cost and terminate in publicity


Technology News: NEW iPHONE APP TRACKS YOUR MP
The ‘troughAPP’ will make a snorting noise to alert voters as their MP visits an expensive restaurant or hotel which they're enjoying at voter's expense.
The application has already had 57,000,000 downloads and can also be used for BBC executives and heads of quangos and government inquiries.

BERLUSCONI INTERESTED IN NEW TEAM
“It’s Lecce for me”

REPENTANT WOODS APOLOGISES TO REMAINING SPONSORS
Apology list in order of cash value*:
EA Sports ($12,000,000)
Nike Golf ($32,000,000)
TAG Heuer ($14,000,000)

Tiger also begged forgiveness from the following sponsors that have dropped Tiger from advertisements and ended endorsement contracts:
Accenture ($20,000,000)
AT&T ($17,000,000)
Gatorade ($8,000,000)
Gillette ($22,000,000)

*Figures entirely notional at time of going press.

1 feb 10

BRITAIN NOW A 'CRUCIBLE OF ERROR'
Error threat level raised to 'probable' following report into Doncaster Social Services...

Saturday, 23 January 2010

14 Jan P.Eye rejects



Federation of Small Businesses asks for school half term to be cancelled
Small businesses hit hard by the VAT increase and recession are backing an
internet campaign to cancel half-term holiday for schools, as another break for children
could ‘finish off’ many shops that won’t be able to cope with the increase in petty thefts.

CALL FOR CONTROLS IN DOG BREEDERS
Report says dog owners should stop inbreeding as this is what causes them to resemble their pets.

The Daily Telegraph
TORY DONOR LIST REVEALS 'A DIVERSE AND FORWARD LOOKING PARTY THAT REFLECTS MODERN BRITAIN'
Conservative Central Office have finally revealed full details about their large benefactors to party funds, they include:
Sir Zac Goldsmith, a frequent visitor to West London, who lives in Monte Carlo - who generously provided £40 billion of his own trustfund.
Baron Ruprecht von Goering of Baden Baden, Bosch Armaments - who graciously donated £48
billion earned from landmine sales.
Mr Phillip Morris of 57 Fagash Avenue, Forest Estate, Smokestown, Isle of Man - £150 billion
from tobacco sales
Count V. Dracula of Transylvania, who made a career in dentistry, resides in a coffin in Castle Vlad - £159 billion
Lord Ashcroft of Belize, who probably also resides in a coffin and sucks the life out of
people - £99,999.

Xmas 09 / New Year 10

Xmas 09:
BANKERS 'TO BE PHASED OUT BY 2018'
Despite being around since the 18th century, trust levels in bankers has dropped dramatically over the past few years...
Some people still like to use them, but there numbers have declined so rapidly that they
could now be phased out.

--
New Year 10

DAILY MAIL
Will a lack of gritters cause house prices to fall?
Extreme UK weather ‘worse than climate change’ Schools closed, trains and flights cancelled

MORE DAILY MAIL
What will happen when the world gets warmer?
Four possible scenarios:
+1c = The increase in house prices starts to slow
+2c = House prices begin to stagnate
+3c = House prices begin to fall
+4c = House prices fall catastrophically

UK TRAVEL: Normal service resumes*
* Normal service = delays, cancellations, unheated transport, absent staff, no information…

CHURCH NEWS
In his annual barmy address to get into the newspapers, an Anglican Vicar says the poor and
vulnerable should not sell drugs or become prostitutes, but as a last resort should steal from large, wealthy organisations, such as the Catholic Church, or the Methodists.

Vicar says people have forgotten the teachings of Cowell during the festive period
A Church of England priest has blasted British society for forgetting the moral code laid
down each and every year since he could remember- where a bland X-factor song would storm to the top of the charts without fear of any competition.
Citing the recent number one chart battle that ended in Cowell's charge losing to Rage Against The Machine... (cont. on p.zzzzz)

Prince William's secret outdoor sleep with the homeless is just the latest in a long line of incognito royal attempts at meeting the general public. Others include:
Prince Andrew is believed to have dropped £5 notes out of his helicopter over Peckham on
Christmas Eve in 1996, relaying 'There you go, povvos' from his tannoy to astonished crowds
below.
Prince Edward donning a disguise and performing some 'street theatre' to astonished shoppers
on London's Oxford St in Christmas 1988, before being arrested.
Prince Philip providing an impromptu free talk on 'deportment and diplomacy skills' to
astonished East Hackney Junior School Year 3 in March 1957.
Er, that's
it.

BBC WINS CHRISTMAS RATINGS WAR 'BY OFFERING VARIETY'
That top 5 list in full:
1. EASTENDERS (Christmas Day) BBC 10.9m (featured David Tennant as a guest - arriving as the new Albert Square Doctor, only to be murdered in the Queen Vic.)
2. THE ROYLE FAMILY (Christmas Day) BBC 10.4m (featured David Tennant & Catherine Tate as special guest stars)
3. DOCTOR WHO (Christmas Day) BBC 10.2m (featured Catherine Tate as a special guest star)
4. THE CATHERINE TATE SHOW (Christmas Day) BBC 9.2m (featured David Tennant as a special guest star)
5. THE TOP 100 SHOWS STARRING CATHERINE TATE AND/OR DAVID TENNANT (Christmas Day) CHANNEL 4 0.003m

New mag out now: The Art of Sneezing


click pic for hi-res