Wednesday, 12 November 2008

10th Nov

TV TONIGHT: Shakespearean Play for TodayA woman who earns a living writhing around naked in fake blood and intestines complains of reputation being ruined…


Following the Brand and Ross scandal, a new regulatory body will be set up to monitor celebrity indiscretions. OFTWAT will make sure that any mis.. (cont. p94)

The Daily Mail: Has Jonathan Ross caused house prices to fall? On centre pages - A special investigation Does Russell Brand give you cancer?

Top 5 responses from viewers this week:
1. Brand / Ross lose jobs 35,4022.
2. Should Sachs be compensated? 23,0823.
3. Will Georgina Baillie get her own TV show? 11,7894.
4. Economic crisis 285.
5. War in Congo 2

'The BBC has lost touch with public' thunder politicians from yacht in Adriatric

WHO SHOULD BE THE NEW COMEDY CZAR?
Juliet Bravo?, Ian Blair, Boris Johnson??? Lord Archer, Sir James Anderton, Sir Keith Richards Sir George Lamb, Sir Larry the Lamb, Sir Pinky & Perky Mr Bill (& Ben)....
INDIA KNIGHT'S TOP TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE CREDIT CRUNCH
Tip No.1: Write a book full money saving ideas just in time for the lucrative Christmas market
Tip No.2: Do loads of interviews to promote the book
Tip No.3: Er, that's it!

President Obama's visit to Dallas 'doubtful'

U.S. reaction: Dick Cheney – "A sad day for venal, non-free thinking illiberal warmonger everywhere…" (cont. p94)

THE DAILY PLANET Death Star destroyed. Parties across the galaxy….

British grand prix driver not appealed against shock
Astonished 'World Champion' as foreign teams don't rake up some technicality

T5 VOTED THIS YEAR'S NATIONAL EMBARRASMENT
Prestigious award in hard fought category...
Highlights of this year's Top 100 cock-ups
1. Terminal 52.
2. Brand & Ross show
3. George Osborne (late entry)
4. Alistair Darling...
Continued…

27 oct stuff

27 oct 08:
SALES OF FOOD FALL FOR FIRST TIME
Has Prescott gone on holiday?

This week's most expensive cocktail: SEX ON THE BEACH (Dubai Mix) Cost: 6 months in jail.

"Government ministers are completely out of touch with the public," says George Osbourne from aboard a yacht in the Adriatric.

How violent crimes were recorded before...
GBH was termed 'apple scrumping'
ABH was 'knocking a bobby's helmet off with your catapult'
RAPE was 'assualt with a friendly weapon' that's enough...

BIG BUSINESS MAY INFLUENCE GOVERNMENT POLICY DECISIONS SHOCK
Bears consultancy with Forestry Commission proves constructive
Pope's long term contract with Vatican not influenced by Catholicism-That Lord Ashdown charity list in full:Children's charities (insert names of Lord Ashdown's children here)Conservative Central Officeer, that'sit...--

SPORTS NEWS: Driver who wins Grand Prix not disqualified shockAstonishment as winner actually retains result and keeps points (cont. p94) --

"LOOKING GOOD, FEELING SHIT!"
Probably Gok Wan on Kerry Katona's fabulous new look

Thursday, 2 October 2008

60 second interview with Stella Rimington, Express anti-inflation tips


29 sep 08
Nursery Times:
JUST WHO ARE THESE 'SHORT SELLERS'?
There appear to be seven of them: PROSPERITY, WEALTHY, PROPERTY, GLUTTONY, GREEDY, STINGY, and… MISERLY.

AIRLINE NEWS:
Suicidal hijackers 'to pay more'

From now on, passengers wishing to take over a plane in the name of their cause and crash it into an iconic building of capitilism, will have to pay for the privilege (cont. p94)

BLAINE TO TRY TOUGHEST TEST YET
World's greatest illusionist will attempt to sit through an Afghan wedding without getting bombed by the U.S. Air Force.

pupils forced to learn 'English'

15 sep 08
Pupils are held back at school because they're forced to learn 'English'
Academic says outdated form of language and script are of little use when chasing today's most popular careers.
What are top five career choices for today's pupils?
'being rich and famous' 'being rich'
'premiership footballer / wife of premiership footballer'
'dj-ing / rapping'
'conceptual graffiti artist'

'WE ARE NOT ALL SLUTS'
American music stars furious at MTV video music awards host Russell Brand have blasted his act, saying it is 'obsessed with sex' and 'cheap, filthy and perverse.'
The stars, who regularly perform songs filled with sexual innuendo aimed at a pre-teen and teenage market whilst wearing leather bondage gear revealed… (cont. p94)

your friendly neighbourhood death squad

1st sep 08
DAILY TELEGRAPH COURT CIRCULAR
Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend, enjoyed a day's shopping in London yesterday. Accompanied by her mother Beverley, the Zimbabwean-born 23-year old visited the Kings Road, Chelsea, making a purchase at French Connection.
Were you shopping in the Kings Road yesterday? Perhaps you were on holiday or maybe you don't have to work for living either? Do you know what Chelsy bought?
Do you know what other clothes she tried on?
Email / Text: filler@telegraph.co.uk

THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN DISASTER ZONE ANALOGIES
Still at no.1: 'Like Hell'
re-entry at 2: 'Like Beirut'
down to no.3: 'Like the black hole of Calcutta'
new entry at no.4: 'Like Slough...' (continued...)

U.S. ELECTION 2008: BIDEN PASSES 'CRUCIAL BEER TEST'
In a tradition started by Edward Kennedy, Democratic running mate Joe Biden wins decision over who American voters would like to go drink-driving with...

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

p.eye rejects Aug 18th 2008







POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER
Which spoon each team would be...?
MAN UTD - silver service
CHELSEA - solid gold
SPURS - solid gold plated
HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94

THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL:

++
TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.'

HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha...

An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps in. At first he thinks he's alone. Then he spies his errant son in the corner...
J.R.: "My son, I am angry with you - why haven't the Iraqi football team qualified for the world cup?It is your fault. You must motivate them like a Hussein would - beat their soles, beat their children..."
Son (shouting, emotional): "...Dad! You've always put me down, always angry with me! Is it because I'm gay? J.R.: "No son. You are Uday." (NOT to be continued)

Wednesday, 6 August 2008





THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs...
STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy...
STEP 2) er,
STEP 3) that's it...

KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS
'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless...

POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET'
Bears linked to soiling of forests
Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican


THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET!
brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS
STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational
STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer
STEP 3: Make huge profits

The Times
WARSHIP COMMANDER IN GULF HOSTAGES DEBACLE LOSES JOB
Navy says move not linked to Iran abduction
"Ha ha ha ha," Ha ha ha ha-ha, "ha ha ha-ha, hee-hee."Hee-hee, ha ha ha...
(continues on jokes page)

21st july Eye rejects






















Introducing Boris' new right-hand man*
- who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings.
Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks

CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz)

Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988
'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94)

PM URGES CEO PAY RESTRAINT
Gordon Brown has asked for corporate leaders to take into account the currrent economic climate and limit pay increases to not more than a 1000% of their employees, as this may encourage them to strike when they get a pay deal that is below inflationThe Prime Minister also wants CEO's to refrain from buying yachts, gold bullion, small African countries, laser beams or secret underwater bases.

Daily Mail: IS KNIFE CRIME CAUSING FALLING HOUSE PRICES?
Inside: Why no-one in Britain is safe from our screaming headlines

+ ESTHER RANTZEN ON HOW CAN WE FIX 'BROKEN TEETH BRITAIN'?
This week's top tag-lines are:
'Broken Teeth' Britain, 'Blade' Blitain, 'Bloken' Blitain, 'Scalpel' society'

PLEASE STOP THIS DANGEROUS ESCALATION OF CASUAL, TIT-FOR-TAT, MACHO, POSTURING kneejerk reactions by politicians looking to make a name for themselves on the back of knife crime...

Those TOP FIVE unbreakable G8 pledges in full:
1. war is bad
2. child murder is a terrible thing
3. landmines aren't very helpful to children playing football
4. er, blue is quite a nice colour...
5. um, that's it...

WHY IS BRITAIN SO 'HIDEOUSLY WHITE'?
With only 85% of the UK still wrapping themselves in the covertly fascistic term of 'white british,' isn't it high time that britain stopped being so OVERTLY RACIST? This constant pandering to the whims of the WASP masses is getting us nowhere. We should stop all this TOKEN STEREOTYPING of the UK as white anglo-saxon country, and finally acknowledge what we all really want it to be; a black disabled muslim homosexual caliphate.
When asked to fill out any forms - say a quick 10-page Health & Safety / CRB / CRE / CIA disclaimer for a children's party, I always tick the box, 'one-legged lesbian Somali refugee with learning difficulties' to show my solidarity with my non-white brothers, sisters (and transgender brothers and sisters, or brothers / sisters)... (continues for several pages...)

Monday, 30 June 2008

more june 25th graphics




p.eye rejects June 25th 2008

THAT 2008-09 PREMIERSHIP
FIXTURE LIST IN FULL:

Sat 16 Aug Match 1:
tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 2: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 3: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 4: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 5: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 6: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 7: L'pool vs tba (ko 17:00 SKY TV)
Sun 17 Aug Match 8: Arsenal vs tba (ko 14:00 SKY TV)
Match 9: Chelsea vs tba (ko 16:00 SKY TV)
Mon 18 Aug Match 10: Man Utd vs tba (ko 19:45 SKY TV)
...continues through to about Sat 24th May 2009

Copyright © and Database Right 2008[/9] Sky Televis... sorry, I mean The Football Association Premier League Ltd / The Football League Ltd / The Scottish Premier League Ltd / The Scottish Football League. All rights reserved. All fixtures subject to change* (*According to Sky TV)


Have you recently been 'totally DEVASTATED?

Suffered from... DISPLACEMENT of Ego?
CONFLICT of interest between club & country?
ANGER on the pitch? EXTREME reactions to trifling matters...?
Then don't suffer in silence. Join the MILLIONAIRE FOOTBALLERS SUPPORT GROUP
and we'll look after you...

JOINED-UP GOVERNMENT
Teenagers without bus passes to be imprisoned for up to 42 days

THIS WEEK'S MOST READ ONLINE:
1. Screaming gory headline
2. Sex death headline
3. Quick fix story of blood & death
4. Horrible rape headline
5. Rain hits Rooney wedding
6. Further tale of butchery satifies readers bloodlust
7-98. Readers appetites sated by death sex fetish fiend stories...
99. Bank sector in turmoil
100. Child survives cancer op
(c) all British people

RADIO 4 - TODAY'S CHOICE: All In The Mind
Dr Raj Persaud discusses the existence of plagiarism, and whether it is simply a fashionable, 'made-up' illness.

NEWS OF THE WORLD: 'What's it all abaaht??'
WHICH ROYAL WILL FART AT NEXT YEAR'S TROOPING THE COLOUR?
2-1 Harry, 4-1 Prince Phil, 5-1 Wills, 60-1 Princess Anne, 100-1 The Queen,
1000-1 Queen Mum

"BACK" story: It's traditional every year now for a Royal to fart their approval at the annual military spectacle, after Prince Phillip starting things off in 2006.
--

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Eye rejects June 2008

New P.eye issue features 'New modest look for Newsnight girls'
Join the debate:
ARE GREEDY FIRMS & GOVERNMENT BODIES RIPPING YOU OFF WITH COSTLY HELPLINE NUMBERS?
Tell us now:
RING 0870 100 YES for 'YES'
or 0870 200 NO for 'NO'
(Calls cost 400m Zimbabwean dollars / per min & terminate in Harare)

REALITY CHEQUE:
This week: Bank of England Governor, MERVYN KING
1. What is the price of a bottle of milk?
"Er, ...two English pounds?"
2. How about a loaf of bread?"
Hmm..."I'm not sure if I like this line of questioning.
3. How much is does a 2kg bag of Basmati rice cost? "
Right, that's it, this interview is over..."

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

26/05/08:
GANG MURDER VICTIM 'WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK

BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession"
In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown.
That PM fightback in full:
Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers.
Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river.
Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge.

NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE
This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER:
CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED
RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL

DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON

TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS
16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14.
Police say they have no idea how they got there...

MPs TO ROADTEST 'RIGHT TO LIE' CARDS

12/05/08:
EUROPEAN NEWS
Italy in shock as ugly old man joins Berlusconi cabinet

DEFENCE CONTRACTOR 'ADMITS ETHICAL FAILINGS SHOCK
'Pope 'denies Vatican has shares in arms industry'
Bears 'shit bullets'

COMMENT IS FREE- IS THIS THE FIRST SIGNS OF THE BORIS EFFECT and a new classless society in London?As the first shooting of the week comes from a barrister in Chelsea, we ask (cont. on p. zzzz)

ZIMBABWE LATEST: A second round of threats and intimidation is under way...

OFFICIAL BORIS JOHNSON GAFFE SWEEPSTAKE:
500-1 - makes Robert Mugabe new 'London Crime Czar'
250-1 - says bendy buses should be filled with tenn gangs & burned on Bonfire Night
50-1 - calls for a new airport to be built on Olympic site
25-1 - misunderstood banter with Brian Paddick about cushions
12-1 - flatly contradicts Conservative Party policy
7-2 - hanky panky in City Hall
2-1 - unfortunate racist remark

LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA SUPPORTERS: Your ESSENTIAL guide for travel to Moscow After the corruption and violent chaos of the Communist era, football fans going to the Russian capital for the Champoins League match will now see a democratic renaissance under the new, uncorruptable and entirely freely elected leadership of Dmitry Medvedev…
Getting there: The cheapest flight is via Omsk and takes 29 hours, costing a total of £998 (single). On your arrival in Moscow, you must hand over your passport and any valuables such as wedding rings and credit cards to a man wearing a leather coat – despite the sunny weather. His name is Vladimir. He will take care of your property for a small fee to be agreed on meeting (usually around $300).
Staying there: Budget hotels are scarce in the city centre, and fans are therefore advised to meet a man in the North-East corner of Red Square at 2pm. His name is Andrei, you cannot miss him - he will be the only person wearing a traditional Ushanka hat in the 30 degree heat. For a finders fee of only 150 € he will direct you to the nearest hotel charging very competitive rates. The Hotel Lubyanka's rooms may be spartan, but at only £400 a night (room only) they are amongst the cheapest in the whole of Moscow!
At the match: Tickets will be held for you at the ticket office in Room 10023 Glasnost Prospekt, just on the outskirts of Moscow. Speak to a man called Boris. He will give you your tickets only on receipt of a 'Ticket Release fee' of 40,000 roubles (approx. 30 pence). Tickets will only be given up on proof of identity (e.g. passport, credit cards, etc)
Going home: You will be allowed to go home when you have your passport returned to you - following payment of a 'passport tax' to another man in a leather coat, called Igor - at Moscow Airport (Cubicle 7 in toilet block 3c). The usual fee is $300. You will then be the fast-tracked through the departure lounge, personally escorted to your plane by 'security forces.'

TOP TIP'S ON AVOIDING A SPEEDING PENALTY:
1. Be rich 2. Be famous... 3. ...or be a chief of police 4. er... 5. ...that's it...
28/04/08:

NEW HITLER SHAME
Mr Max Mosley, a spokesman for the former chancellor of Germany, has denied reports that Adolf Hitler 'was a rabid fan of motor racing,' and 'listened to reports of grands prix on the radio.'
"What Herr Hitler did in the privacy of his own bunker was his own business," said Mosley, "And had absolutely nothing to do with him getting on with the job of winning ze var and gainink komplete kontrol of ze whole vorld."

PRESCOTT:
"Yes - I suffered from Bulshitia"
Brave politician applauded for having the courage to take the first step of admitting they told pork pies rather than simply eating them.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008



NEW RAMSEY AD
Newly added, old but offensive; for some reason - no-one wanted to buy this (thanks to Jass for the font)

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Latest Private Eye rejections added. For these little ramblings I get one story in PE 1207; 'PASSENGER ACTION' CAUSES DELAYS AT NEW HEATHROW TERMINAL

BECKHAM GETS 100TH HAIRSTYLE

One of the greatest haircuts to grace the English game, 'Becks' told fans he was delighted and is hoping to be around for 2010 - although he is taking each haircut at a time.

ON OTHER PAGES: Beckham's career high-lites
1998 World Cup: Mullet comb-over
2000 European Championship: Skinhead with blonde tints
2004 World Cup: Hoxton fin with purple rinse

NEW FEARS over violent computer game-playing kids drinking cough medicines on board planes... cont. p9

EXPRESS FINALLY FORCED TO APOLOGISE OVER 'GROSSLY DEFAMATORY' STORIES
Paper splashed nearly every day with increasingly lurid and wildly speculative stories about the weather, and has... (cont. p9)

Teaching recruiters blasted for misleading adverts
Impressionable people are being recruited without realising the dangers that they are letting themselves in for in the classroom, it was alleged at the NUT annual conference yesterday. Delegates heard one speaker say, 'Until they tell the truth - that you can be sent into situations where people could shoot at you and try to kill you... especially if you are a supply teacher with Year 10's...'

Monday, 31 March 2008


rather obvious anti- anti-terror ad.

On another tip - here's a plug for the new April issue of Viz 174 - it's very good this month, and not just 'cos I (unusually) have 3 ads in it;
GOOSESTEP MASTER;
SMACKMART;
AL-QUADA PHONE CHATLINES;

Monday, 17 March 2008

your mum blog

Too late for P.Eye, so here goes, er here. Not much scope for this time-sensitive stuff, apart from The Tart satire paper, or maybe Tory HQ - they might want to show they're not afraid of laughing at themselves...
Thanks to Jamie for the idea.
A good example of the kind of utter rubbish I churn out every week.

Cluck it, might as well post the rest of the guff from last week as well...

POOR HAVE 'WORSE HEALTH' SHOCK
Bears like 'white sliced chip butties'
Pope loves 'olive oil ciabattas drizzled with aioli'

That morally dubious 'we'll race anywhere for cash' F1 season guide in full:
Round 1: IRANIAN GRAND PRIX – Al-sharia non-homo ring
Round 2: ZIMBABWEAN GRAND PRIX – Robert Mugabe Circuitory Oval
Round 3: CUBAN GRAND PRIX – Autudromo Che Guevera
Round 4: NORTH KOREAN GRAND PRIX – Plutoniumring
Round 5: INDONESIAN GRAND PRIX – East Timorese Memorial Cup
Round 6: SINGAPOREAN GRAND PRIX – Noh Chew Wing Gum Circuit
Round 7: CHINESE GRAND PRIX – Tibetan Memorial Cup
(hang on those last two are real… That's enough…)

GRUDGING GPs GIVE IN AND AGREE NOT TO PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS
Doctors complain of unacceptable handicaps, 1000's of caddies could lose jobs

PROPERTY OWNERS!
Add ££££'s to the value of your home with just a few simple improvements!
Contact BANKSY DECORATING AGENCY now on 07777 611 345899

THE SUN'S MANIFESTO TO FIX 'BROKEN BRITAIN'
1) Stop booze wrecking people's lives,
2) Attack the budget's price increases on drink
3) Continue to run huge adverts for bargain booze,
4) er…

Britain in rush to get booze bargains before Sunday budget deadline
Where to get those drink deals: All supermarkets are doing special pre-budget deals on Super Vilent 8% Lager – which will go up from 10p a can to a whopping 24p…
(30 cans for the price of 20)
And for the middle classes, Lambrusco Valiumo (14.5%) will be up from 2.49 to 2.99, with all major supermarkets are still doing 6 cases for 5 until April 1st…

Alan Duncan announces first 'non-mincing' gay wedding
"No frills, no pink, no dogs wearing pink frills, no wigs and no poncy renaissance costumes, vows MP."

IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT INFORMATION:
NEW OATH OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED KINGDOM & THE QUEEN
If you would like to say your oath of allegiance in one of the following languages:
Polish, Russian, Serbo-Croat, Rumainian, Moldovan, Ruritarian, Somali, Bengali, Gujrati, Mongolian, Inner Mongolian, Outer Mongolian, Near Central Mongolian, Flemish, Swedish, Yiddish, Scottish, Welsh, Irish, Yorkshire dialect (North/ East/ West/ South), Klingon.Please contact:
TAXPAYER'S FREEPOST, The Attorney-General Lord Goldsmith, c/o 10 Downing St, London.

IRANIAN FORBES RICH LIST PUBLISHED
1. Grand Cleric Ayatollah Mustafa Ziggy (tobacco imports) $50.5m
2. Grand Vizier Ay' avalottah Jacuzzis (oil trade) $50.25m
3. Grand Wizard Ay' av-meini BMW's (sugar production) $49.9m
4. Ayatollah Al-Shar Option (foreign currencies) $49.5m