Friday, 23 December 2011



British shoppers are expected to defy the recession, ignore the world's poor & starving and generally behave like utter cunts on the busiest shopping day of the year - as they rush to grab millions of pounds of useless bargain shite before the January sales start on Christmas Eve.
One consumer told us he will put up his tent and start camping outside Top Shop in Oxford Street on Christmas Eve - missing out the festive fun on the big day - in order to get hold of those much needed goods to make his life feel valid before he kills himself in the New Year.

Last-minute shoppers could spend more than £1million every MINUTE on their credit cards, and will be charged a similar amount in interest in the New Year - before killing their spouses and children and committing suicide.

Visa expects to process more than 33million cubits of credit spunk worth more than £1.5billion of unnecessary clutter and tittle-tattle to the UK throughout the day.

High Street retailers are hoping that their will be a traditional 'final flurry' of credit card spunking on Christmas Eve between noon and 1pm, whilst 24-hour garages are rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of millions of pounds of purchases from drunken Dads sometime later on the evening.

Heavy discounting on highly impractical rubbish drove spending up over the past weeks, especially on felt cowboy hats, Polish chocolate from Aldi and the perennial gift favourite for someone you have no idea what they like because you are not remotely interested in them: the Little Book of Christmas Shite.