Thursday, 20 December 2012

Spare a thought for London’s homeless this winter, as many are out in force this season to bring some much needed festive cheer to the capital’s weary Christmas shoppers.
The growing dishevelled community are out in their hordes on London's streets, making the West End and other main shopping and tourist areas light up - with a little bit of holiday happiness by wearing cheery santa hats, tinsel and flashing fairy lights.

The homeless lights were officially turned on by the cast of Made In Chelsea last Friday, and have proved to be an instant success.

 “Some wear tinsel on themselves or their cute dogs, and others actually wear twinkly blinky fairy lights - its wonderful and it really lights up the darkened streets in winter – and what's more its a free treat for the shopper!” remarked a delighted Bond Street visitor Amanda Burlington- Arcade.

And Downing Street agreed: “I just want to 'big up' the homeless this Christmas,” Prime Minister David Cameron tweeted, as he entertained The Queen at a cabinet meeting, “Their marvellous lighting up of late night shopping on our streets is a fab idea. The homeless really have made an effort and made their own contribution – in their own teensy way – to the big society. Well done.”
However, some shoppers had their reservations about the newly lit-up beggars, with one, Sally Hambleton-Bogthrush tweeting: “Beautiful fairy lights on drunk old man glinting in gloom of Sloane Square. Brightened my day and even made the smelly old tramp seem almost bearable for once. Still – couldn’t give him a hug though!  Retch!! Lol!!”

Others thought that they had seen several static displays of the beggars, with an excited Guy Hipster from Hoxton tweeting, “This morning I saw one of those new lit-up beggars - it was quite rigid and cool to touch – epic. Thought it was new Damien Hirst or Banksy installation – but turned out to be simply a man sleeping rough who'd frozen to death overnight with his lights still flashing. Took LED lights home for tree - good to recycyle. Thanks homeless!”
"Bit disappointed in the end it wasn't Banksy though,” he tweeted to his hundreds of similarly attired red lumberjack-style shirt and dark, thick rimmed glasses-wearing followers.

Friday, 1 June 2012


In another boost to the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations, it has been revealed that in private the monarch has the most marvellous sense of humour.

Never-before-heard statements (apart from those made during the last anniversary) from such luminaries as wide ranging as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Sir Cliff Richard and John Inverdale, have paid tribute to her  'quick wit' and 'fantastic sense of fun.'

Archbishop Rowan Williams said he was often witness to what he described as 'the hidden side of The Queen' - away from the confines of her Royal duties; "She is a wonderfully funny woman, who often entertains her private guests with a seemingly never ending series of uproarious anecdotes. Anyone who was lucky enough to meet her would almost always be in absolute stitches. Such was her sense of fun and bonhomie that Archbishop of York John Sentamu and I would often roll around the floor laughing like drains!"

Sir Cliff Richard revealed that Her Majesty was behind the satire boom of the 1960's - gently prompting Peter Cook to set up Private Eye, 'You are a very funny man, Mr Cook - you should set up a magazine and invent satire,' she is believed to have told him - before suggesting the funny speech bubble cover, and quietly submitting sketches to be used by him and his partner Dudley Moore on their TV show.
Later on that day she arranged for the two strands of Oxbridge comedians that became the Monty Python team to meet up at a Royal Variety Show.
"However, the 1970's was much quieter for our Queen," continued Sir Cliff, "As she knuckled down to concentrating on her duties - submitting anonymous sketches to the Two Ronnies Shows (everyone thought it was Ronnie Barker, but I was privy to the real story) before helping Eddie Braben out with the Morecambe & Wise Christmas Specials."

Things slowed down in the eighties, and The Queen restricted herself to the occasional Young Ones series and helping Richard Curtis to write Blackadder, before another foray into the publishing world as a rather surprising silent partner behind the bawdy Viz magazine.  In the early nineties, at a post Royal Variety Show line-up, she openly mused with Steve Coogan on whether he should 'move away' from doing bland impressions and join with an upcoming spoof news star she was working with, Chris Morris.

John Inverdale added; "Nothing surprises me with The Queen, she was always dignified in her manner when anonymously writing sketches and scripts and helping British comedy to become the best in the world - whether it be That Was The Week That Was, The Fall & Rise of Reginald Perrin, Spitting Image, Brass Eye or The Inbetweeners."

Monday, 9 January 2012


Prime Minister David Cameron shook up the debate over executive pay yesterday when he demanded "clear transparency," and "no gimmicks" or "tokenism" when it came to reforming the financial system.

In a 5 hour speech - given all major television channels - the Coalition leader tested his support in Tory heartlands by promising to completely break up the wealth of the City of London before vowing to 'shatter the FTSE 100 into a thousand pieces.'

Wearing military fatigues and occasionally puffing on a large Cuban cigar, Mr Cameron ranted, banged his fist and occasionally foamed at the mouth whilst blaming the great Satan, the United States of America, for the current economic woes afflicting the world.

And in a move that will no doubt raise eyebrows on the Tory backbenches, the Prime Minister revealed that - with immediate effect - he was freezing all the assets held by the FTSE 100 and appropriation of the capital wealth of those companies on behalf of the people.
With this in mind - and in a move that will probably see him coming into direct conflict with his deputy, Nick Clegg - the PM has ordered the setting up of several revolutionary committees to take command of the situation, with the Ministry for the Recovery of Misappropriated Assets will oversee the redistribution of wealth around the country.

Mr Cameron also ordered the moving of parliament to the new capital of Hull, the immediate closure of all public schools, private hospitals and private health clubs, whilst the City of London will be moved to the new business zone of Liverpool (with the FTSE 100 closing down and re-opening as a collective of small businesses called 'the DEGSY 500') - as well as arranging for The Queen and her entire Royal Family to be banished to the Isle of Wight before the end of this tax year.