7 Dec 09 stuff

Jesus 'may have had non-dom status'
A new film suggests that Jesus may have visited Britain for less than 90 days in one year. The documentary, 'And Did They Cheat?', explores whether the Messiah performed several miracles whilst staying in Britain, such as not paying tax on any earnings, visiting several large, empty homes and turning huge debts into massive bonuses.

FINAL AGREEMENT REACHED ON THAT CRUCIAL COPENHAGEN CLIMATE CHANGE MEETING MENU:
Main course - Humble Pie
and... er,
that's,
it.

THE DAILY MAIL
We don't understand the local language...
Yet, we've built bridges...
We've bolstered the infrastructure...
We've tried to help where we can, but...
ISN'T TIME THE ARMY PULLED OUT OF CUMBRIA?

Is the sanctity of Marketing being ruined by christmas?
asks the Very Reverand Simon Cowell

BNP LEADER SAYS IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP GIBRALTAR*
*To Germany

NEW RUSSIAN 'POSITIVE HISTORY' SCHOOL CURRICULUM 2010
1. HISTORY - World War II 1931-1945 - How the German Fascists raided Mother Russia in the early thirties and murdered millions
2. TOURISM & MARKETING - The Conquest of Siberia by our brave patriots
3. MATHS - The dirty trick of US, GB and France to cut Europe in half
4. COMPUTING - Learn to use Photoshop with Uncle Joe

MAFIA OFFERS HOLIDAYMAKERS A WAY OF VISITING SICILY WITHOUT FEAR OF FUNDING ITALIAN GOVERNMENT
Cosa Nostra travel will provide complete holiday packages - including travel, hotels and restaurants 'entirely free from the stench of Berlusconi's corrupt government.'
'People want holidays that don't subsidise organised government,' revealed one mobster.

Cliff in Xmas single crisis

Click to read the text (if you can be arsed)

23 nov 09 stuff

THAT 'I'M A CELEBRITY, get me out of here...' LIST IN FULL:
In order of importance
Jordan - Britain's top glamour girl

Katie Price - Britain's other top glamour girl

Samantha Fox - Britain's top ex-glamour girl

Jordan Fox - Britain's top amalgamated current & former glamour girl

Some bloke who used to be someone's brother in EastEnders

Someone who once waved at Cliff Richard's grandmother

A woman

A man

Another man

Someone who never met, but once lived next to the Uncle of the bass player in The Archies

The presenters of 'How Not To Decorate'

'BRING BACK NATIONAL SERVICE FOR THE YOUNG'

say everyone too old to be conscripted themselves

BBC Head of Non-Entertainment complains that the image of Casualty and Holby City is being ruined by the 'hum-drum, everyday nature of the NHS''In a real hospital, you need a cliffhanger every 23 minutes, and this simply doesn't happen' says chief (cont. on pZZZzzzz)

CHARLES DEFENDS 'TRADITIONAL SUBJECTS IN SCHOOLS'

Prince of Wales 'a passionate believer in continuing teaching subjects in the usual Etruscan for under two pre-prep boarders...'

Nov 9th '09 stuff

DAILY MAIL: Will Afghan War cause house prices to fall? (moron p9)

Other news: Afghan police 'full of corrupt idiots who fire indiscrimately'Ideal candidates for vacancies in The Metropolitan Police's firearms unit... (p9)

Twitter to monitor popular tweet subjects
The online social networking site is to appoint a regulator called 'The Twittfinder General,' who will check the most popular subjects commented on by the Twitterati, and organise instant mobs into a 'workable collective that can perform direct physical actions.' The Twittfinder General has extensive powers in his grasp, such as 'boring at the stake' and 'drowning in a stream (of invective).'
He has already issued the following edict: "That anyone hereby known caught making national treasure Stephen Fry more depressed than he already is, will be hung, drawn and quartered and there heads displayed outside the X-Factor house until their flesh be picked clean by the birds. The same applies to Cheryl Cole."

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: Griffin to take over from Moyles at Radio 1
BNP leader Nick Griffin has said he will break from the past and tone down what he termed 'the racist, homophobic bully boy laddishness' that Radio One Breakfast Show has come to represent over the past few years (cunt. p9)

Justice to focus on victims shock
Criminals stunned as review says it is they who should be prosecuted (cont. p94)

26 Oct 09 stuff

THE SUN COMMENT - WHERE IS THE QUEEN?
Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know.
Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out.

QUEEN TO STAR IN PANTO
The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)

12 oct stuff

OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow"

Entertainment Newzzzzzz: 'AWFUL FILM' TO BE GIVEN AWAY'

An experimental film called 'The Rage' starring Jude Law is to be the first movie to be made available as a free download to mobile phones. The director of the universally panned film said that we should embrace the internet and not be afraid of free downloads, especially if no cinema
is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it.
Goto http://www.shitenewfilm.com/ to see it for free.

The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT:
ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years.

TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR
Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners.

WOMEN CAN BE PAEDOPHILES TOO SHOCK

Mummy bear 'denies involvement in disappearence of Goldilocks.'
Pope 'not head of organisation that moves certain priests around.'

HARINGEY COUNCIL: Outrageous new claims
Titanic 'still on course for timely disembarkation'
JFK visit to Dallas 'a resounding success'
North Korea 'ideal system of government'Honour killings 'promote multicultural society'
War in Afghanistan 'definitely winnable'

Exclusive: THAT 'FIT AND PROPER PREMIERSHIP OWNER LIST IN FULL:

--

sep 28th stuff

NEW £50 BRIXTON NOTE
accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers

The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED
Royal Mail management has exposed the full extent of the dodgy working practices’ that have been employed by postal workers for decades and are now the reason for the strikes that have brought chaos to the mail system.
Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full:
Wearing sombreros,
Smelling of onions,
Riding donkeys,
Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon,
Being an air traffic controller and going on strike.

Letter of the day
Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space)

Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way
Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94)

BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL*
*From Afghanistan

Church must lose S&M image to swell members
A man dressed entirely in black who represents the Church of England has described himself ‘frustrated’ and has said that the church needs to shed its ‘suited and booted’ image in order to attract followers of other fetishes. 'Wouldn't Jesus be in the queue at Ann Summers?, said the bishop to the (cont. p9)

GREAT BIKE PARTY IN LONDON
Last week, over 50,000 cyclists reclaimed the pavements of the capital as part of the climax of a summer of cycling initiatives. London mayor Boris Johnson applauded the event, which included several bike-themed competitions such as ‘riding drunk with no lights,’ ‘riding with too much lycra’ as well as the ever-popular ‘screaming at pedestrians who have the temerity to cross in front of you at a zebra crossing,’ and ‘riding through a red light one-handed whilst you shuffle your i-Pod with your child on the handlebars.’

‘WE WILL INVADE POLAND’
Liberal Democrat leader in desperate attempt to gain publicity at party conference. Other plans mooted by Nick Who? include landing on Mars ‘by the end of the decade – not this one, the next one.’

On other pages: Further savage cuts to Lib Dem leader’s image promised (pgZZzzzz)
Is anyone reading this? Hello?? ...No