Tuesday, 30 March 2010
NAÏVE STORY ABOUT 3DTV NEGLECTS TO MENTION OBVIOUS LUCRATIVE PORN ANGLE
Do not see inside for more >>
No comment on p9
REVEALED: The 492 native species driven to extinction UNDER LABOUR.
Brown’s government dallies as brown bears, lynxs, and wolves die out..
(cont. on pZZZzzzz)
THATCHER FLEES UK AS CLEGG PROCLAIMS 'ADMIRATION'
Post Office to forward all junk mail to the Direct Marketing Association
(address helpfully printed below)
The Direct Marketing Association
70 Margaret Street
London W1W 8SS
STAFFORD HOSPITAL 'PRAISED FOR PIONEERING UNASSISTED SUICIDES'
Managers at the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust have been praised and ‘remunerated accordingly’ for their pioneering work in unassisted suicide techniques over the past few years.
In a patient care routine known as “ignoring and humiliating,” managers ensured that costs were cut and all government targets were met, whilst patient waiting lists were kept low through increasing death rates. Nursing techniques included not washing patients for weeks, not providing them with food or drink and not assisting them to the lavatory.
Other practices involved getting relatives to wash soiled sheets at home, ignoring infections and falls, and dead bodies on the wards.
TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES SET TO FALL
The government announced the good news today that teenage pregnancies in the UK are predicted to drop when England football squad departs for World Cup in June. (cont. p.ZZZzzzz)
INQUIRY LAUNCHED INTO BABY P DOCTOR ILLNESS
An inquiry has been launched into why no-one noticed that the doctor who last saw Baby P alive was seriously ill. The report will look into how the media failed to spot that Dr Sabah Al-Zayat has suddenly become unfit to appear before a public hearing.
How could we miss the signs? There was no full story and pix deal brokered with The Sun, Max Clifford was not involved… (cont. p94)
Birmingham City Council has revealed it will have to make savings of up to £69m by April 2011.
Council executives have said this target will be achieved by offering a voluntary redundancy package to one chief executive refuse operator - who earns around that amount annually when overtime, backdated pay and standby allowances were taken into consideration.
NEW CHILDREN’S TV SCHEDULE FOLLOWING LIFTING OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT BAN
Thomas the First Capital Connect Tank Engine & Friends
The RBS Clangers
In The B&Q Night Garden
Peppa Pig brought to you by Walls
The Teletubbies (already sponsored by Teletubbies Inc. of Pyongyang)
DAILY MAIL: WILL JOHN TERRY CAUSE RISING HOUSE PRICES?
‘I’ll die just like Diana,’ fears Katie Price
Newlywed Katie Price has revealed that she fears she could die in a Diana-style car crash (cont. p94)
WHAT DO YOU THINK? How do YOU should Katie Price die?
Ring or text now:
0898 500 600 1 – Garrotted in bizarre scarf meets kitchen blender accident on Celebrity Masterchef
0898 500 600 2 – Thrown off the Burj Tower in Dubai
0898 500 600 3 – Hung, drawn and quartered before National Lottery Live
0898 500 600 4 – Sent to Helmand Province without the right combat kit
0898 500 600 5 – Er, that’s
0898 500 600 6 – quite
0898 500 600 7 – enough, Ed.
Calls cost and terminate in publicity
Technology News: NEW iPHONE APP TRACKS YOUR MP
The ‘troughAPP’ will make a snorting noise to alert voters as their MP visits an expensive restaurant or hotel which they're enjoying at voter's expense.
The application has already had 57,000,000 downloads and can also be used for BBC executives and heads of quangos and government inquiries.
BERLUSCONI INTERESTED IN NEW TEAM
“It’s Lecce for me”
REPENTANT WOODS APOLOGISES TO REMAINING SPONSORS
Apology list in order of cash value*:
EA Sports ($12,000,000)
Nike Golf ($32,000,000)
TAG Heuer ($14,000,000)
Tiger also begged forgiveness from the following sponsors that have dropped Tiger from advertisements and ended endorsement contracts:
*Figures entirely notional at time of going press.