~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

Federation of Small Businesses asks for school half term to be cancelled Small businesses hit hard by the VAT increase and recession are backing an internet campaign to cancel half-term holiday for schools, as another break for children could ‘finish off’ many shops that won’t be able to cope with the increase in petty thefts. CALL FOR CONTROLS IN DOG BREEDERS Report says dog owners should stop inbreeding as this is what causes them to resemble their pets. The Daily Telegraph TORY DONOR LIST REVEALS 'A DIVERSE AND FORWARD LOOKING PARTY THAT REFLECTS MODERN BRITAIN' Conservative Central Office have finally revealed full details about their large benefactors to party funds, they include: Sir Zac Goldsmith, a frequent visitor to West London, who lives in Monte Carlo - who generously provided £40 billion of his own trustfund. Baron Ruprecht von Goering of Baden Baden, Bosch Armaments - who graciously donated £48 billion earned from landmine sales. Mr Phillip Morris of 57 Fagash A

Xmas 09: BANKERS 'TO BE PHASED OUT BY 2018' Despite being around since the 18th century, trust levels in bankers has dropped dramatically over the past few years... Some people still like to use them, but there numbers have declined so rapidly that they could now be phased out. -- New Year 10 DAILY MAIL Will a lack of gritters cause house prices to fall? Extreme UK weather ‘worse than climate change’ Schools closed, trains and flights cancelled MORE DAILY MAIL What will happen when the world gets warmer? Four possible scenarios: +1c = The increase in house prices starts to slow +2c = House prices begin to stagnate +3c = House prices begin to fall +4c = House prices fall catastrophically UK TRAVEL: Normal service resumes* * Normal service = delays, cancellations, unheated transport, absent staff, no information… CHURCH NEWS In his annual barmy address to get into the newspapers, an Anglican Vicar says the poor and vulnerable should not sell drugs or become prostitutes, bu

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