Friday, 23 December 2011

LAST MINUTE 'SPUNK-IT-ALL-AWAY' SPENDING SPREE EXPECTED

LAST MINUTE 'SPUNK-IT-ALL-AWAY' SPENDING SPREE EXPECTED

British shoppers are expected to defy the recession, ignore the world's poor & starving and generally behave like utter cunts on the busiest shopping day of the year - as they rush to grab millions of pounds of useless bargain shite before the January sales start on Christmas Eve.
One consumer told us he will put up his tent and start camping outside Top Shop in Oxford Street on Christmas Eve - missing out the festive fun on the big day - in order to get hold of those much needed goods to make his life feel valid before he kills himself in the New Year.

Last-minute shoppers could spend more than £1million every MINUTE on their credit cards, and will be charged a similar amount in interest in the New Year - before killing their spouses and children and committing suicide.

Visa expects to process more than 33million cubits of credit spunk worth more than £1.5billion of unnecessary clutter and tittle-tattle to the UK throughout the day.

High Street retailers are hoping that their will be a traditional 'final flurry' of credit card spunking on Christmas Eve between noon and 1pm, whilst 24-hour garages are rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of millions of pounds of purchases from drunken Dads sometime later on the evening.

Heavy discounting on highly impractical rubbish drove spending up over the past weeks, especially on felt cowboy hats, Polish chocolate from Aldi and the perennial gift favourite for someone you have no idea what they like because you are not remotely interested in them: the Little Book of Christmas Shite.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

SUPERFICIAL, NARCISSISTIC 'I'M A CELEB' VIEWERS IN MASS SUICIDE PACT

SUPERFICIAL, NARCISSISTIC 'I'M A CELEB' VIEWERS IN MASS SUICIDE PACT

Over 8 million viewers of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here have vowed to commit suicide before Christmas after the realisation dawned on them that they were entirely superficial, trivial and unnecessary - following their kicking out of Hart To Hart actress Stephanie Powers from the top rated ITV show.

The 69-year-old went 'au naturel' in the jungle, wearing no make-up and refusing to straighten her hair, and duly polled the fewest public votes from the entirely hollow and one-dimensional audience.

Following last night's show, a Facebook page was immediately set up by Swiss suicide firm, Dignitas. Calling itself, 'Did you not vote for Stephanie 'cos all you can see is an old boot, meaning you are now only interested in image - so why not kill yourself?, the page was set up to organise the humane self-ending of a sizeable amount of the British public who are now only have the brains and time for celebrity tittle-tattle.

In a win-win-win situation, Ms Powers was said to be delighted at leaving the show to get on with her life, and the government was said to be happy that jobless figures will now 'reduce substantially.'

It is hoped that the I'm A Celeb audience will be soon joined in a death pact by X-Factor viewers, but not Strictly because that's watched by nice middle-class people.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? ... JAPANESE FLEE AS LENNY HENRY & COMIC RELIEF TEAM ARRIVE TO FILM GLOOMY FUNDRAISER

CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? ... JAPANESE FLEE AS LENNY HENRY & COMIC RELIEF TEAM ARRIVE TO FILM GLOOMY FUNDRAISER

First came the earthquake, then there was a devastating tsunami, followed by nuclear meltdowns and the possibility of radioactive discharge. Then rescuers and survivors alike shivered as the snows came, whilst authorities struggle to contain over-heating reactors.

Many have said it is like a bad Hollywood movie, but the usually resilient Japanese are now fleeing Tokyo and other major cities in mass panic, after learning that a Lenny Henry fronted Comic Relief team had arrived at Narita Airport, and were said to be 'desperate' to film some tragic scenes and save his career, which hasn't been remotely funny since he rhymed Thriller with Aston Villa in 1984. Henry and his cohorts have also threatened to provide live transmissions of some Richard Curtis inspired 'fun' on Friday evening.

Despite a rare TV appearance by Emperor Akihito, who told his people not to give up in the face of this latest Comic Relief onslaught and urged Henry to stick to making unfunny adverts for low quality travel inns, many foreign observers feel that the Japanese may suffer a collective nervous breakdown if they are forced to 'endure the unendurable' and watch hundreds of tawdry celebrities pretending to care about African children with AIDS whilst 'doing something funny for money.'

One local resident, currently living under tarpaulin in a snow-covered, rubble-strewn wasteland said: "We could bear the death, the destruction, the threat of nuclear meltdown - and the freezing cold. Through all that we have tried to remain positive, but I think the news that an insufferable comedian attempting to keep his unfunny career going by filming a searing piece featuring a child crying amongst the devastation - even if they don't have flies around their mouth - will finish me off."

MOYLES SMASHES RECORD 'TO BECOME WORLD'S BIGGEST CUNT'

MOYLES SMASHES RECORD 'TO BECOME WORLD'S BIGGEST CUNT'

Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles was said to be overjoyed this morning, after finally smashing the record for the length of time that someone can be a cunt without losing consciousness.

The roly-poly presenter maintained a top level of cuntishness for an astonishing 50 hours for Comic Relief, which breaks the previous record set by Josef Stalin during one of his final purges in 1952.

"It's something I've been trying to do for a long time, normally people who attempt this are killed long before the 50-hour mark,” revealed the cunt, “So to have the safety of the radio studio was a very good idea.”

Listeners who endured Moyles' show confirmed that the Leeds-born homophobe did indeed act like a total cunt for the whole time, citing that he spent the 50 hours laughing at his own jokes, feigning interest in his own drivel, abusing his sidekicks, mocking the weak and vulnerable, and using his money and influence to procure sex from women who would normally throw up at the very thought of it.

Even his minimal 'three per hour' allowance for the occasional piece of music to be played gave no respite to the insufferability of the man, as Moyles picked songs that were guaranteed to grate from the Radio 1 A-list playlist, which admittedly could have been anything.

Those who have tried for the record before have traditionally been dictators or monarchs with the power of life and death over their subjects, such as Colonel Gadaffi and Alastair Campbell, and has never been attempted by a celebrity before, apart from Russell Brand - who recently made it to 18 hours before being giving in to death threats.

With this in mind, as he neared the 50-hour mark, Moyles locked the studio door as his own production team made throat-slitting gestures to him through the soundproofed window, such was the level of his cunting cuntishness. As the record was achieved the DJ removed his mic and turned off the on-air sign to placate his team. However, they still gave him a good kicking and he remains in hospital as we went to press.

CAPTION: Moylesy with some minion he regularly abuses live on air

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

HOLLYWOOD MOGULS FLY IN TO JAPAN

HOLLYWOOD MOGULS FLY IN TO JAPAN TO COMPLETE
POST-PRODUCTION ON 'BEST CALAMITY MOVIE EVER'


Hollywood directors Roland Emmerich, Wolfgang Peterson and the exhumed, reanimated corpse of Jerry Bruckheimer are all on board a helicopter currently circling the disaster zone in Japan, finalising camera shots for what they expect the be the 'best calamity movie ever.'

Every single A-list Hollywood actor available, and Charlie Sheen, are lined up to play the major roles in the new movie, called 'Japan's Dawn of Death,' which is slated in for a big summer release that will undoubtedly take the special effects award at next year's Oscars.

Sheen is to play the President of the United States of America, who's estranged daughter happens to be trapped in a school next to the nuclear plant at Fukuova that has been breached by the tsunami and several terrorists led by Alan Rickman.

As the United Nations dithers, Sheen hijacks Air Force One and directs it to Japan, and after bombing Tripoli on the way and freeing the Libyans - where in spite of their protestations that he should stay as their new leader, he delivers the killer Oscar-winning line: 'You gotta find you're own freedom, now I gotta find my own daughter' - he then lands at the school, kills the terrorists in increasingly violent ways, finds his daughter (and her cute dog, Scraps), and just takes off in time before Godzilla smashes the nuclear power station to bits, setting off a chain reaction that totally vaporises the whole of Japan.

Cameos will include Tom Cruise as David Cameron, Heidi Klum as Angela Merkel, Jackie Chan as Ban Ki Moon, Arnold Schwarzenegger as David Beckham, and Meryl Streep as Colonel Gadaffi.

During the final stages of today's filming, Emmerich was especially animated, obsessively gawping through his viewfinder as the helicopter swooped low over Tokyo - taking in the incredible disastrous view. Several people waved at them from the tops of houses and skyscrapers.
"Look Jerry, they're waving at us! Cool! I tell ya, this is gonna be bigger than 9/11. I mean, look at this footage - no blue screens are needed. And think of the nuclear angle, Jerry ...remember the China Syndrome, Jerry? ...Jerry?"
"Fuck you, Ro," growled Jerry in his gruff reanimated voice, as he wanked himself with one hand and took huge snort with the other, "Now get me back to the fucken Hyatt for some pussy."