~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

TV TONIGHT: Shakespearean Play for TodayA woman who earns a living writhing around naked in fake blood and intestines complains of reputation being ruined… Following the Brand and Ross scandal, a new regulatory body will be set up to monitor celebrity indiscretions. OFTWAT will make sure that any mis.. (cont. p94) The Daily Mail: Has Jonathan Ross caused house prices to fall? On centre pages - A special investigation Does Russell Brand give you cancer? Top 5 responses from viewers this week: 1. Brand / Ross lose jobs 35,4022. 2. Should Sachs be compensated? 23,0823. 3. Will Georgina Baillie get her own TV show? 11,7894. 4. Economic crisis 285. 5. War in Congo 2 'The BBC has lost touch with public' thunder politicians from yacht in Adriatric WHO SHOULD BE THE NEW COMEDY CZAR? Juliet Bravo?, Ian Blair, Boris Johnson??? Lord Archer, Sir James Anderton, Sir Keith Richards Sir George Lamb, Sir Larry the Lamb, Sir Pinky & Perky Mr Bill (& Ben).... INDIA KNIGHT'S TOP TIP...

27 oct 08: SALES OF FOOD FALL FOR FIRST TIME Has Prescott gone on holiday? This week's most expensive cocktail: SEX ON THE BEACH (Dubai Mix) Cost: 6 months in jail. "Government ministers are completely out of touch with the public," says George Osbourne from aboard a yacht in the Adriatric. How violent crimes were recorded before... GBH was termed 'apple scrumping' ABH was 'knocking a bobby's helmet off with your catapult' RAPE was 'assualt with a friendly weapon' that's enough... BIG BUSINESS MAY INFLUENCE GOVERNMENT POLICY DECISIONS SHOCK Bears consultancy with Forestry Commission proves constructive Pope's long term contract with Vatican not influenced by Catholicism-That Lord Ashdown charity list in full:Children's charities (insert names of Lord Ashdown's children here)Conservative Central Officeer, that'sit...-- SPORTS NEWS: Driver who wins Grand Prix not disqualified shockAstonishment as winner actually retains res...

29 sep 08 Nursery Times: JUST WHO ARE THESE 'SHORT SELLERS'? There appear to be seven of them: PROSPERITY, WEALTHY, PROPERTY, GLUTTONY, GREEDY, STINGY, and… MISERLY. AIRLINE NEWS: Suicidal hijackers 'to pay more' From now on, passengers wishing to take over a plane in the name of their cause and crash it into an iconic building of capitilism, will have to pay for the privilege (cont. p94) BLAINE TO TRY TOUGHEST TEST YET World's greatest illusionist will attempt to sit through an Afghan wedding without getting bombed by the U.S. Air Force.

15 sep 08 Pupils are held back at school because they're forced to learn 'English' Academic says outdated form of language and script are of little use when chasing today's most popular careers. What are top five career choices for today's pupils? 'being rich and famous' 'being rich' 'premiership footballer / wife of premiership footballer' 'dj-ing / rapping' 'conceptual graffiti artist' 'WE ARE NOT ALL SLUTS' American music stars furious at MTV video music awards host Russell Brand have blasted his act, saying it is 'obsessed with sex' and 'cheap, filthy and perverse.' The stars, who regularly perform songs filled with sexual innuendo aimed at a pre-teen and teenage market whilst wearing leather bondage gear revealed… (cont. p94)

1st sep 08 DAILY TELEGRAPH COURT CIRCULAR Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend, enjoyed a day's shopping in London yesterday. Accompanied by her mother Beverley, the Zimbabwean-born 23-year old visited the Kings Road, Chelsea, making a purchase at French Connection. Were you shopping in the Kings Road yesterday? Perhaps you were on holiday or maybe you don't have to work for living either? Do you know what Chelsy bought? Do you know what other clothes she tried on? Email / Text: filler@telegraph.co.uk THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN DISASTER ZONE ANALOGIES Still at no.1: 'Like Hell' re-entry at 2: 'Like Beirut' down to no.3: 'Like the black hole of Calcutta' new entry at no.4: 'Like Slough...' (continued...) U.S. ELECTION 2008: BIDEN PASSES 'CRUCIAL BEER TEST' In a tradition started by Edward Kennedy, Democratic running mate Joe Biden wins decision over who American voters would like to go drink-driving with...

POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER Which spoon each team would be...? MAN UTD - silver service CHELSEA - solid gold SPURS - solid gold plated HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94 THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL: ++ TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.' HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha... An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps i...

THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs... STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy... STEP 2) er, STEP 3) that's it... KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS 'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless... POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET' Bears linked to soiling of forests Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET! brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer STEP 3: Make huge profits The Times WARSHIP COMMANDE...

Introducing Boris' new right-hand man* - who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings. Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz) Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988 'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94) PM URGES C...

THAT 2008-09 PREMIERSHIP FIXTURE LIST IN FULL: Sat 16 Aug Match 1: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 2: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 3: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 4: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 5: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 6: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 7: L'pool vs tba (ko 17:00 SKY TV) Sun 17 Aug Match 8: Arsenal vs tba (ko 14:00 SKY TV) Match 9: Chelsea vs tba (ko 16:00 SKY TV) Mon 18 Aug Match 10: Man Utd vs tba (ko 19:45 SKY TV) ...continues through to about Sat 24th May 2009 Copyright © and Database Right 2008[/9] Sky Televis... sorry, I mean The Football Association Premier League Ltd / The Football League Ltd / The Scottish Premier League Ltd / The Scottish Football League. All rights reserved. All fixtures subject to change* (*According to Sky TV) Have you recently been 'totally DEVASTATED? Suffered from... DISPLACEMENT of Ego? CONFLICT of interest between club & country? ANGER on the pitch? EXTREME reactions to trifling matters...? Then don't suffer in silence. Join the MILLI...

New P.eye issue features 'New modest look for Newsnight girls' Join the debate: ARE GREEDY FIRMS & GOVERNMENT BODIES RIPPING YOU OFF WITH COSTLY HELPLINE NUMBERS? Tell us now: RING 0870 100 YES for 'YES' or 0870 200 NO for 'NO' (Calls cost 400m Zimbabwean dollars / per min & terminate in Harare) REALITY CHEQUE: This week: Bank of England Governor, MERVYN KING 1. What is the price of a bottle of milk? "Er, ...two English pounds?" 2. How about a loaf of bread?" Hmm..."I'm not sure if I like this line of questioning. 3. How much is does a 2kg bag of Basmati rice cost? " Right, that's it, this interview is over..."

26/05/08: GANG MURDER VICTIM ' WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession" In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown. That PM fightback in full: Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers. Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river. Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge. NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER: CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS 16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14. Police say they have ...

12/05/08: EUROPEAN NEWS Italy in shock as ugly old man joins Berlusconi cabinet DEFENCE CONTRACTOR 'ADMITS ETHICAL FAILINGS SHOCK 'Pope 'denies Vatican has shares in arms industry' Bears 'shit bullets' COMMENT IS FREE- IS THIS THE FIRST SIGNS OF THE BORIS EFFECT and a new classless society in London?As the first shooting of the week comes from a barrister in Chelsea, we ask (cont. on p. zzzz) ZIMBABWE LATEST: A second round of threats and intimidation is under way... OFFICIAL BORIS JOHNSON GAFFE SWEEPSTAKE: 500-1 - makes Robert Mugabe new 'London Crime Czar' 250-1 - says bendy buses should be filled with tenn gangs & burned on Bonfire Night 50-1 - calls for a new airport to be built on Olympic site 25-1 - misunderstood banter with Brian Paddick about cushions 12-1 - flatly contradicts Conservative Party policy 7-2 - hanky panky in City Hall 2-1 - unfortunate racist remark LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA SUPPORTERS: Your ESSENTIAL guide for travel to Moscow...

28/04/08: NEW HITLER SHAME Mr Max Mosley, a spokesman for the former chancellor of Germany, has denied reports that Adolf Hitler 'was a rabid fan of motor racing,' and 'listened to reports of grands prix on the radio.' "What Herr Hitler did in the privacy of his own bunker was his own business," said Mosley, "And had absolutely nothing to do with him getting on with the job of winning ze var and gainink komplete kontrol of ze whole vorld." PRESCOTT: "Yes - I suffered from Bulshitia" Brave politician applauded for having the courage to take the first step of admitting they told pork pies rather than simply eating them.

NEW RAMSEY AD Newly added, old but offensive; for some reason - no-one wanted to buy this (thanks to Jass for the font)

Latest Private Eye rejections added. For these little ramblings I get one story in PE 1207; 'PASSENGER ACTION' CAUSES DELAYS AT NEW HEATHROW TERMINAL BECKHAM GETS 100TH HAIRSTYLE One of the greatest haircuts to grace the English game, 'Becks' told fans he was delighted and is hoping to be around for 2010 - although he is taking each haircut at a time. ON OTHER PAGES: Beckham's career high-lites 1998 World Cup: Mullet comb-over 2000 European Championship: Skinhead with blonde tints 2004 World Cup: Hoxton fin with purple rinse NEW FEARS over violent computer game-playing kids drinking cough medicines on board planes... cont. p9 EXPRESS FINALLY FORCED TO APOLOGISE OVER 'GROSSLY DEFAMATORY' STORIES Paper splashed nearly every day with increasingly lurid and wildly speculative stories about the weather, and has... (cont. p9) Teaching recruiters blasted for misleading adverts Impressionable people are being recruited without realising the dangers that they are le...

rather obvious anti- anti-terror ad. On another tip - here's a plug for the new April issue of Viz 174 - it's very good this month, and not just 'cos I (unusually) have 3 ads in it; GOOSESTEP MASTER; SMACKMART; AL-QUADA PHONE CHATLINES;

Too late for P.Eye, so here goes, er here. Not much scope for this time-sensitive stuff, apart from The Tart satire paper, or maybe Tory HQ - they might want to show they're not afraid of laughing at themselves... Thanks to Jamie for the idea. A good example of the kind of utter rubbish I churn out every week. Cluck it, might as well post the rest of the guff from last week as well... POOR HAVE 'WORSE HEALTH' SHOCK Bears like 'white sliced chip butties' Pope loves 'olive oil ciabattas drizzled with aioli' That morally dubious 'we'll race anywhere for cash' F1 season guide in full: Round 1: IRANIAN GRAND PRIX – Al-sharia non-homo ring Round 2: ZIMBABWEAN GRAND PRIX – Robert Mugabe Circuitory Oval Round 3: CUBAN GRAND PRIX – Autudromo Che Guevera Round 4: NORTH KOREAN GRAND PRIX – Plutoniumring Round 5: INDONESIAN GRAND PRIX – East Timorese Memorial Cup Round 6: SINGAPOREAN GRAND PRIX – Noh Chew Wing Gum Circuit Round 7: CHINESE GRAND PRIX – Tib...