~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER Which spoon each team would be...? MAN UTD - silver service CHELSEA - solid gold SPURS - solid gold plated HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94 THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL: ++ TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.' HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha... An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps i

THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs... STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy... STEP 2) er, STEP 3) that's it... KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS 'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless... POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET' Bears linked to soiling of forests Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET! brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer STEP 3: Make huge profits The Times WARSHIP COMMANDE

Introducing Boris' new right-hand man* - who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings. Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz) Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988 'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94) PM URGES C