~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

29 sep 08 Nursery Times: JUST WHO ARE THESE 'SHORT SELLERS'? There appear to be seven of them: PROSPERITY, WEALTHY, PROPERTY, GLUTTONY, GREEDY, STINGY, and… MISERLY. AIRLINE NEWS: Suicidal hijackers 'to pay more' From now on, passengers wishing to take over a plane in the name of their cause and crash it into an iconic building of capitilism, will have to pay for the privilege (cont. p94) BLAINE TO TRY TOUGHEST TEST YET World's greatest illusionist will attempt to sit through an Afghan wedding without getting bombed by the U.S. Air Force.

15 sep 08 Pupils are held back at school because they're forced to learn 'English' Academic says outdated form of language and script are of little use when chasing today's most popular careers. What are top five career choices for today's pupils? 'being rich and famous' 'being rich' 'premiership footballer / wife of premiership footballer' 'dj-ing / rapping' 'conceptual graffiti artist' 'WE ARE NOT ALL SLUTS' American music stars furious at MTV video music awards host Russell Brand have blasted his act, saying it is 'obsessed with sex' and 'cheap, filthy and perverse.' The stars, who regularly perform songs filled with sexual innuendo aimed at a pre-teen and teenage market whilst wearing leather bondage gear revealed… (cont. p94)

1st sep 08 DAILY TELEGRAPH COURT CIRCULAR Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend, enjoyed a day's shopping in London yesterday. Accompanied by her mother Beverley, the Zimbabwean-born 23-year old visited the Kings Road, Chelsea, making a purchase at French Connection. Were you shopping in the Kings Road yesterday? Perhaps you were on holiday or maybe you don't have to work for living either? Do you know what Chelsy bought? Do you know what other clothes she tried on? Email / Text: filler@telegraph.co.uk THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN DISASTER ZONE ANALOGIES Still at no.1: 'Like Hell' re-entry at 2: 'Like Beirut' down to no.3: 'Like the black hole of Calcutta' new entry at no.4: 'Like Slough...' (continued...) U.S. ELECTION 2008: BIDEN PASSES 'CRUCIAL BEER TEST' In a tradition started by Edward Kennedy, Democratic running mate Joe Biden wins decision over who American voters would like to go drink-driving with...