~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

In brief: THIS WEEK'S COVER-UPS MPS EXPENSES CENSORED Parliamentary authorities will black out juicy details from the publication of individual M.P.s expense claims, leaving only cash amounts. A futile attempt at censorship as The Daily Telegraph (and therefore everyone else) holds a 'clean' copy. IRAQ WAR INQUIRY WHITEWASH The government will attempt to hold the Butler inquiry behind closed doors to stop people finding out that the government lied over WMD as a pretext over invading Iraq or that Tony Blair knew that Britons could be tortured at Guantanamo Bay, causing an angry backlash that forces the Prime Minister to offer the concessation of holding some of the sessions in public. NEW POWDER PUFF BANKING REGULATIONS Will allow the financial services industry to carry on doing whatever the hell they want to do - investing in high risk ventures and awarding themselves huge bonuses - thereby causing further economic crises for generations to come. FOX NEWS FLASH: Presiden

FLINTOFF IN NEW OUTBURST 'These foreign cricketers come over here, don't speak a word of English, take our wickets - it's not right you know.' NEW PAXMAN OUTBURST "We should all stop behaving like barbarians and read more books. Books like... The Victorians by Jeremy Paxman, The English: A Portrait of a People by Jeremy Paxman, The Political Animal: An Anatomy by Jeremy Paxman, On Royalty by Jeremy Paxman, Friends in High Places: Who Runs Britain? by Jeremy Paxman, or, what about Fish, Fishing and the Meaning of Life? by, er... Jeremy Paxman." TENNIS NEWS: Brit Murray progressing well in French Open Late Tennis News: Scotsman blown away in French Open Quarter-final KIM JONG-IL reveals son will be successor His rarely seen son, KIM YUNG-UN is to be (cont. p94) AUSTRALIA CRACKS DOWN ON HATE CRIMES A diplomatic source in Canberra said, "We need a sophisticated, analytical approach to this problem, to show the world that Australia is not a backward, racist

21 May 09: BNP LEADER TURNS DOWN PALACE INVITE Nick Griffin has rejected an invite to the annual Buckingham Palace party, after he revealed that he didn't want to be seen consorting with intolerant, reactionary types that could damage his career. People like Prince Phillip and Prince Harry do not fit into today's... (cont. p1945) On other pages: BNP EXPENSE CLAIMS FINALLY REVEALED: Jackboots, bomber jackets, hair clippers and adult literacy help books and signed pictures of David Irving high on the list THE BIG QUESTION FOR PARLIAMENT: After all the reforms and opening up to public scrutiny of the political process, just how will Westminster restore the electorate's traditional contempt for politicians? Criminals to be walked home for last mile by police

8 may 09: Stephen Fry's letter to himself: "Dearest absurd child" "I hope you are well. I know you are not. As it happens you wrote in 1973 a letter to your future self and it is high time that... ...And you know what? I think you are right." • This is a twitter version of a very long article too boring to read in it's entirity. For more details, go to Pseuds Corner D ia NA profile 'could be stored indefinitely' Despite attempts to set a limit of 12 years by the European Court of Human Rights, it is feared that DiaNA could be forever held in perpetuity for the nation. One expert asked; 'Isn't twelve years enough to wallow in false grief about someone you had never met?' NORTHERN IRELAND: 'Publicans remain highly dangerous' reports body The group that monitors paralytical activity in Northern Ireland (shurely shome mishtake?) JOBLESS THUG WHO DRINKS 24 LAGERS A DAY 'TO BE MADE LIFE PEER 'Shameless drunkard who has milked

25 april 09 POLICE ROUND-UP: "Cut number of arrests..." police chief tells officers "...by murdering suspects" Time saved in lengthy trials and court-type proceedings would free up man-hours to do the real job of (cont on p999) G20 DEATH: A NEW LEAD? Was their a sinister establishment plot behind Ian Tomlinson's tragic death?Perhaps Prince Philip was involved? asks Chief Insp. Mohammed Al-Knacker of Old Scotland Yarn. On other pages:9 SUSPECT CORPSES HELD BY POLICE 'TO BE DEPORTED' MET OFFICER REVEALED AS DRIVER OF LORRY IN TSVANGIRI CRASH Daily Telegraph: DEATH OF THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY Tragedy in Tewkesbury as the Montague-Heffer de Pfeffel Capulets break up. Schezerade Jasmine Coriander and Agamemnon to live with mother when home from Prep... (cont. on Court Circular pages). LABOUR SMEARS ACCUSED TORIES 'OF HAVING MORALS' Disgusted Conservatives have blasted back at the government after they were accused of 'not being Machiavellian enoug