Showing posts from October, 2009

26 Oct 09 stuff

THE SUN COMMENT - WHERE IS THE QUEEN? Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know. Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out. QUEEN TO STAR IN PANTO The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)

12 oct stuff

OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow" Entertainment Newzzzzzz: 'AWFUL FILM' TO BE GIVEN AWAY' An experimental film called 'The Rage' starring Jude Law is to be the first movie to be made available as a free download to mobile phones. The director of the universally panned film said that we should embrace the internet and not be afraid of free downloads, especially if no cinema is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it. Goto to see it for free. The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT: ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years. TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners. WOMEN CAN BE PAEDOPHILES TOO SHOCK Mummy bear 'denies involvement in disappearence of Goldilocks.' Pope 'not head of organisation

sep 28th stuff

NEW £50 BRIXTON NOTE accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED Royal Mail management has exposed the full extent of the dodgy working practices’ that have been employed by postal workers for decades and are now the reason for the strikes that have brought chaos to the mail system. Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full: Wearing sombreros, Smelling of onions, Riding donkeys, Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon, Being an air traffic controller and going on strike. Letter of the day Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space) Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94) BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL* *F

14 sep 09 stuff

Families of Russians killed by American-made Stinger missiles to sue U.S. Government The families of Russian soldiers who died in Afghanistan in the 1980's at the hands of the CIA-backed Mujahadeen are to sue the American government. The families are requesting compensation from the U.S. for supplying the Stinger missiles that killed their sons. Other Pentagon news: CIA to employ two Doncaster torture brothers "We aim to learn all their juvenile torture techniques," said a CIA spokesman, "As a treat we may even teach them all about waterboarding," before revealing that the 'Feral Two' will be flown in an unmarked jet to 'a secret camp in a friendly despotic country.' Other News: Pot calls kettle 'black' MOYLES BREAKS RECORD FOR CONTINUOUS DRIVEL ON RADIO Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles today celebrated his breaking of the long held 'drivel' record at Radio 1, beating the previous incumbent Tony Blackburn - who had held the record for

1st Sep 09 stuff

BIGGS ARRIVES IN TRIPOLI MANDELSON REASSURES PUBLIC HE IS STILL IN CONTROL Lord Mandelson has assured the UK population that he is still running the country, despite having surgery to remove an enlarged prostate gland. The surgery - which was successful - was performed by the Business Secretary himself, following a local anaesthetic, also applied by Lord Mandelson. The First Secretary of State explained, “Even though I was having surgery, I want to reassure the British public that I was in touch with Downing Street at all times. Although I did feel some very slight discomfort whilst stitching, I was still able to conduct official matters of state with my left hand, by means of a Blackberry.” It is believed that the Business Secretary communicated several policy decisions whilst on the operating table, and after remaining overnight in hospital he discharged himself, but not before he helped to deliver several babies and perform minor brain surgery. NOTICE: Officia