~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

8 apr 09: POLICE OFFICER TO CLAIM FOR INJURIES FROM G20 A brave police officer who's baton was headbutted several times by 'out of control anarchists' during the April Fool's Day protest is to file a claim for... (cont p94) OTHER PREDICTABLE NEWS: CCTV footage of G20 summit 'rather mysteriously lost' say smiling police OBAMA TO BE SUED BY CHILDREN'S TV STAR Bob the Builder said to be furious over 'Can we fix it? Yes we can' claim by U.S. president. "It's all a bit vague and unporfessional," argues Bob, "You should NEVER make a promise without also giving a considered estimate about how long the job will take - and how much it will cost. Anyone who doesn't is a cowboy in my book. I mean, take that George Bush..." (estimate continues for several pages) The Independent: Surprise visit to U.S. is on the cards for Obama President to offer hand of friendship to country traditionally seen as reactionary, backwa...

26 mar 09: VICTORY FOR BRAVE SOLDIERS! Gordon Brown saluted 'a great generation of heroes' as he finally backed a campaign to allow the Taliban to have equal rights to hold victory parades and march through Britain's streets. OUTCRY AS HEWITT LEADS DRIVE TO ALLOW SICK & WEAK GOVERNMENTS END THEIR LIVES A campaign led by former Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt to put terminally ill governments out of their misery has been universally backed by MPs on all sides. "This is a very good idea being brought through the back door," said one supporter (cont. p94) 13 mar 09: NEW FEARS FOR JADE Friends of Jade Goody said they feared for the reality TV star last night, after rumours spread that former Prime Minister Tony Blair was preparing a tearfully insincere speech titled; 'She was, quite simply, the peepul's reality TV star,' and that Elton John was preparing an imminent release of a reworking an old hit of his - 'Goodbye Millwall's Rose' - w...

26 feb 09: ALL NEW 2009 MORRISSEY: "I was looking for a job, then I didn’t find a job, And heaven knows I'm going on a gap year now..." THE NEWS FROM RUSSIA TODAY: A COURT in Moscow has acquitted four men accused of murdering investigative journalist Anna Politkovskaya. The four men were found not guilty of murder and immediately freed, after it was revealed Ms Politkovskaya’s death was just a terrible accident because she had fallen in her flat on to a malfunctioning gun that discharged five bullets into her head and body… (cont. p94) LATE NEWS: Man commits suicide by cutting own head off whilst shaving before shooting himself in the heart ten times… INSTANT JUSTICE… How it works: With your JUSTICE MINISTER JACK STRAW Newsworthyness + public goodwill + celebrity angle = An early release for Jade Goody’s husband(Thus ticking all the New Labour boxes) What doesn’t then? Friendly Labour peer + large amounts of cash for law amendments + public anger + costly inquiry,...

30 jan 09: GOVERNMENT IN TRANSLATION: What they actually mean ASBESTOS IN SCHOOLS: "It's safer to leave it where it is..." means: "It's cheaper leave it where it is..." PM IN DESPERATE APPEAL: 'Women of Britain - buy more shoes' Prime Minister Gordon Brown today urged the UK's entire female population to 'up the amount of shoes they buy a month' from the current average of 2.9 pairs to 4 pairs in order to save the nation's high street shoe chains... (cont. p94) 15 jan 09: Tzipi Livni new statement: "Moon made of cheese" The Israeli Foreign Minister revealed that if Israel argued long and hard enough that the moon was made of cheese, then people would eventually believe that the moon was indeed cheese-based. She then denied that 'bears shit in the woods' and that the 'Pope is Catholic.' NEW JOBS BOOST FROM PM: "100,000 new jobs across the country" What will those new jobs be like? JOB 1: CONNECTI...

29 dec 09: INTO 2009, BRITAIN IS BOOMING! Everything is on the UP! 1. Number of British ex-pats returning home from Spain & France = UP ^ 2. Troops into Afghanistan = UP ^ 3. Career choice gap between graduates and those who leave school at 16 = UP^ 4. Flu infections = UP ^ 5. Criminals spared jail who reoffend = UP ^ 6. Church attendence falls, number of atheists = UP ^ 7. Teenage pregnancies = UP ^ (another year on year increase, well done girls!) So come on Britain! Look on the bright side for once! STOP PRESS: ISRAEL TO BOMB WEST END Musicals targeted in further expansion of roadmap to peace policy. Knesset refuses to rule out invasion of Gazza. 16 dec 09: YOUR RAIL QUESTIONS ANSWERED! Rail Industry chiefs answer your questions From the thousands who emailed, here are but a small section of the ones we could reply to... Dear Rail Chiefs: I ABHOR THE HUMAN VOICE, CAN WE HAVE MORE AUTOMATED ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN AT A PLATFORM, OR ON THE TRAIN? PREFERABLY EVERY 20 SECONDS AT MIND-...