Hollywood directors Roland Emmerich, Wolfgang Peterson and the exhumed, reanimated corpse of Jerry Bruckheimer are all on board a helicopter currently circling the disaster zone in Japan, finalising camera shots for what they expect the be the 'best calamity movie ever.'

Every single A-list Hollywood actor available, and Charlie Sheen, are lined up to play the major roles in the new movie, called 'Japan's Dawn of Death,' which is slated in for a big summer release that will undoubtedly take the special effects award at next year's Oscars.

Sheen is to play the President of the United States of America, who's estranged daughter happens to be trapped in a school next to the nuclear plant at Fukuova that has been breached by the tsunami and several terrorists led by Alan Rickman.

As the United Nations dithers, Sheen hijacks Air Force One and directs it to Japan, and after bombing Tripoli on the way and freeing the Libyans - where in spite of their protestations that he should stay as their new leader, he delivers the killer Oscar-winning line: 'You gotta find you're own freedom, now I gotta find my own daughter' - he then lands at the school, kills the terrorists in increasingly violent ways, finds his daughter (and her cute dog, Scraps), and just takes off in time before Godzilla smashes the nuclear power station to bits, setting off a chain reaction that totally vaporises the whole of Japan.

Cameos will include Tom Cruise as David Cameron, Heidi Klum as Angela Merkel, Jackie Chan as Ban Ki Moon, Arnold Schwarzenegger as David Beckham, and Meryl Streep as Colonel Gadaffi.

During the final stages of today's filming, Emmerich was especially animated, obsessively gawping through his viewfinder as the helicopter swooped low over Tokyo - taking in the incredible disastrous view. Several people waved at them from the tops of houses and skyscrapers.
"Look Jerry, they're waving at us! Cool! I tell ya, this is gonna be bigger than 9/11. I mean, look at this footage - no blue screens are needed. And think of the nuclear angle, Jerry ...remember the China Syndrome, Jerry? ...Jerry?"
"Fuck you, Ro," growled Jerry in his gruff reanimated voice, as he wanked himself with one hand and took huge snort with the other, "Now get me back to the fucken Hyatt for some pussy."


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