Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles was said to be overjoyed this morning, after finally smashing the record for the length of time that someone can be a cunt without losing consciousness.

The roly-poly presenter maintained a top level of cuntishness for an astonishing 50 hours for Comic Relief, which breaks the previous record set by Josef Stalin during one of his final purges in 1952.

"It's something I've been trying to do for a long time, normally people who attempt this are killed long before the 50-hour mark,” revealed the cunt, “So to have the safety of the radio studio was a very good idea.”

Listeners who endured Moyles' show confirmed that the Leeds-born homophobe did indeed act like a total cunt for the whole time, citing that he spent the 50 hours laughing at his own jokes, feigning interest in his own drivel, abusing his sidekicks, mocking the weak and vulnerable, and using his money and influence to procure sex from women who would normally throw up at the very thought of it.

Even his minimal 'three per hour' allowance for the occasional piece of music to be played gave no respite to the insufferability of the man, as Moyles picked songs that were guaranteed to grate from the Radio 1 A-list playlist, which admittedly could have been anything.

Those who have tried for the record before have traditionally been dictators or monarchs with the power of life and death over their subjects, such as Colonel Gadaffi and Alastair Campbell, and has never been attempted by a celebrity before, apart from Russell Brand - who recently made it to 18 hours before being giving in to death threats.

With this in mind, as he neared the 50-hour mark, Moyles locked the studio door as his own production team made throat-slitting gestures to him through the soundproofed window, such was the level of his cunting cuntishness. As the record was achieved the DJ removed his mic and turned off the on-air sign to placate his team. However, they still gave him a good kicking and he remains in hospital as we went to press.

CAPTION: Moylesy with some minion he regularly abuses live on air


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