~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement. The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout) CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’ David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood. Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full: 1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners 2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics 3) We can...

LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’ The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’ Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’ TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years. New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, ...

http://indyeagleeye.livejournal.com/212887.html A deeply surreal piece of election frippery for you this afternoon: the Peter Mandelson hypno-vote. I think it's best to take this one at simple face-value. I've been listening to it on repeat for the last ten minutes. It's eerily soothing.

I'm now sponsored by renault clio's, great... Mandy's hypno vote is at the end of Telegraph's two-minute election tvcast here till 5pm today: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/ news/newsvideo/uk-politics- video/7583062/Two-Minute- Election-Labour-launches- manifesto.html or forevermore here: http://www.lionel-adams.co.uk/ projects/mandy-hypno-vote/

NAÏVE STORY ABOUT 3DTV NEGLECTS TO MENTION OBVIOUS LUCRATIVE PORN ANGLE Do not see inside for more >> No comment on p9 DAILY MAIL REVEALED: The 492 native species driven to extinction UNDER LABOUR. Brown’s government dallies as brown bears, lynxs, and wolves die out.. (cont. on pZZZzzzz) THATCHER FLEES UK AS CLEGG PROCLAIMS 'ADMIRATION' Post Office to forward all junk mail to the Direct Marketing Association (address helpfully printed below) The Direct Marketing Association DMA House 70 Margaret Street London W1W 8SS

STAFFORD HOSPITAL 'PRAISED FOR PIONEERING UNASSISTED SUICIDES' Managers at the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust have been praised and ‘remunerated accordingly’ for their pioneering work in unassisted suicide techniques over the past few years. In a patient care routine known as “ignoring and humiliating,” managers ensured that costs were cut and all government targets were met, whilst patient waiting lists were kept low through increasing death rates. Nursing techniques included not washing patients for weeks, not providing them with food or drink and not assisting them to the lavatory. Other practices involved getting relatives to wash soiled sheets at home, ignoring infections and falls, and dead bodies on the wards. TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES SET TO FALL The government announced the good news today that teenage pregnancies in the UK are predicted to drop when England football squad departs for World Cup in June. (cont. p.ZZZzzzz) INQUIRY LAUNCHED INTO BABY P DOCTOR ILLNESS An inqu...

COUNCIL NEWS Birmingham City Council has revealed it will have to make savings of up to £69m by April 2011. Council executives have said this target will be achieved by offering a voluntary redundancy package to one chief executive refuse operator - who earns around that amount annually when overtime, backdated pay and standby allowances were taken into consideration. NEW CHILDREN’S TV SCHEDULE FOLLOWING LIFTING OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT BAN Thomas the First Capital Connect Tank Engine & Friends The RBS Clangers In The B&Q Night Garden Peppa Pig brought to you by Walls The Teletubbies (already sponsored by Teletubbies Inc. of Pyongyang) DAILY MAIL: WILL JOHN TERRY CAUSE RISING HOUSE PRICES? ‘I’ll die just like Diana,’ fears Katie Price Newlywed Katie Price has revealed that she fears she could die in a Diana-style car crash (cont. p94) WHAT DO YOU THINK? How do YOU should Katie Price die? Ring or text now: 0898 500 600 1 – Garrotted in bizarre scarf meets kitchen blender accid...

BRITAIN NOW A 'CRUCIBLE OF ERROR' Error threat level raised to 'probable' following report into Doncaster Social Services...

Federation of Small Businesses asks for school half term to be cancelled Small businesses hit hard by the VAT increase and recession are backing an internet campaign to cancel half-term holiday for schools, as another break for children could ‘finish off’ many shops that won’t be able to cope with the increase in petty thefts. CALL FOR CONTROLS IN DOG BREEDERS Report says dog owners should stop inbreeding as this is what causes them to resemble their pets. The Daily Telegraph TORY DONOR LIST REVEALS 'A DIVERSE AND FORWARD LOOKING PARTY THAT REFLECTS MODERN BRITAIN' Conservative Central Office have finally revealed full details about their large benefactors to party funds, they include: Sir Zac Goldsmith, a frequent visitor to West London, who lives in Monte Carlo - who generously provided £40 billion of his own trustfund. Baron Ruprecht von Goering of Baden Baden, Bosch Armaments - who graciously donated £48 billion earned from landmine sales. Mr Phillip Morris of 57 Fagash A...

Xmas 09: BANKERS 'TO BE PHASED OUT BY 2018' Despite being around since the 18th century, trust levels in bankers has dropped dramatically over the past few years... Some people still like to use them, but there numbers have declined so rapidly that they could now be phased out. -- New Year 10 DAILY MAIL Will a lack of gritters cause house prices to fall? Extreme UK weather ‘worse than climate change’ Schools closed, trains and flights cancelled MORE DAILY MAIL What will happen when the world gets warmer? Four possible scenarios: +1c = The increase in house prices starts to slow +2c = House prices begin to stagnate +3c = House prices begin to fall +4c = House prices fall catastrophically UK TRAVEL: Normal service resumes* * Normal service = delays, cancellations, unheated transport, absent staff, no information… CHURCH NEWS In his annual barmy address to get into the newspapers, an Anglican Vicar says the poor and vulnerable should not sell drugs or become prostitutes, bu...

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