24th May 2010

LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’
The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’
Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’

TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects
Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years.

New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash
The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, when we bloody want to’ rule will allow airlines to fly in the zone for a limited time. The authority's move was welcomed by airlines, regulators and manufacturers.

ENGLAND STARS IN TRAINING FOR WORLD CUP
The England football team arrived at their new training camp in Austria to try and recreate as near as is physically possible conditions as that they will experience in South Africa in just over a month’s time.
It’s believed that nothing has been left to chance to get the squad up to speed, and alongside the games machines and pool tables, several dozen perma-tanned, nubile, high class hookers have been flown in, special dedicated phone sex lines have been connected – and William Hill has opened a branch next door to the ground.
It has not yet been decided which high up member of the FA will be caught in a sex scandal.

MPs TO HAVE PAY CUT*
*excludes directorships for marketing groups, tobacco firms or landmine manufacturers