~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

A leaked, earlier 'draft' copy of the Conservative election manifesto has revealed that the government could outmanoeuvre Labour's proposals to take Britain back to the 1970's, with their own plan to take the country back to the 1870s, before most of the great Victorian parliamentary reforms in social welfare, worker rights and suffrage were passed on to British society.                  Pay't mill owner permission to come to work The report, marked 'confidential,' details how the next Conservative government will go much further than Jeremy Corbyn, taking Britain back to the glory days of the greatest Empire on which the sun never set - a time when it was run by about two dozen rich, paternalistic white male  entrepreneurs with long grey beards. Describing 'halcyonic days when t here was a general relaxation of laws that inhibited private enterprise and economic growth,' the document states that a post-Brexit Britain could see thos...

"Don't let a lack of information on refund and exchange policies ruin your Easter ,"  warns Geoff Johns, your local trading standards officer. text follows pic... IF, like me you love chocolate, Easter eggs can bring unmitigated joy and pleasure, for the old, the young - even diabetics! But, in this upcoming holiday season, for every happy bunny, there's always some unlucky person who ends up with a raw deal - which can all too easily end in petty arguments, family feuds, divorce - and ultimately, prison and financial ruin. Every year we see problems for the consumer, so a little preparatory advice here - from your local Trading Standards Department - can go along way to solving any issues you may have when buying and consuming Easter -promoted comestible and perishable goods.                               ...

In a move that is eerily reminiscent of one of her own policy initiatives in her 1980’s heyday, the rights to run the funeral of Margaret Thatcher have been put out to tender, with the winning bid going to the lowest cash offer. Westminster Council are said to be furious - having already submitted a £2 million bid for the rights, with a blueprint - already approved by the former three-time Prime Minister - for a similar state funeral to Winston Churchill, with a ceremony at St Paul's Cathedral and topped off with a concert orchestra playing some of Iron Lady’s favourites - like Land Of Hope And Glory and the Rolf Harris’ Two Little Boys. To save costs during the recession, the former 87-year-old had said that she did not want the public to see her lying in state or a military fly-past at her funeral. She has also turned down Elton John’s perennial offer of reworking one of his old songs to raise money for charity on the A-side, whilst - in a tribute to traditional That...

HOMELESS LIGHT UP LONDON THIS CHRISTMAS Spare a thought for London’s homeless this winter, as many are out in force this season to bring some much needed festive cheer to the capital’s weary Christmas shoppers. The growing dishevelled community are out in their hordes on London's streets, making the West End and other main shopping and tourist areas light up - with a little bit of holiday happiness by wearing cheery santa hats, tinsel and flashing fairy lights. The homeless lights were officially turned on by the cast of Made In Chelsea last Friday, and have proved to be an instant success.  “ Some wear tinsel on themselves or their cute dogs, and others actually wear twinkly blinky fairy lights - its wonderful and it really lights up the darkened streets in winter – and what's more its a free treat for the shopper!” remarked a delighted Bond Street visitor Amanda Burlington- Arcade. And Downing Street agreed: “I just want to 'big up' the homeless this C...

In another boost to the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations, it has been revealed that in private the monarch has the most marvellous sense of humour. Never-before-heard statements (apart from those made during the last anniversary) from such luminaries as wide ranging as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Sir Cliff Richard and John Inverdale, have paid tribute to her  'quick wit' and 'fantastic sense of fun.' Archbishop Rowan Williams said he was often witness to what he described as 'the hidden side of The Queen' - away from the confines of her Royal duties; "She is a wonderfully funny woman, who often entertains her private guests with a seemingly never ending series of uproarious anecdotes. Anyone who was lucky enough to meet her would almost always be in absolute stitches. Such was her sense of fun and bonhomie that Archbishop of York John Sentamu and I would often roll around the floor laughing like drains!" Sir Cliff Richard revealed that ...

Prime Minister David Cameron shook up the debate over executive pay yesterday when he demanded "clear transparency," and "no gimmicks" or "tokenism" when it came to reforming the financial system. In a 5 hour speech - given all major television channels - the Coalition leader tested his support in Tory heartlands by promising to completely break up the wealth of the City of London before vowing to 'shatter the FTSE 100 into a thousand pieces.' Wearing military fatigues and occasionally puffing on a large Cuban cigar, Mr Cameron ranted, banged his fist and occasionally foamed at the mouth whilst blaming the great Satan, the United States of America, for the current economic woes afflicting the world. And in a move that will no doubt raise eyebrows on the Tory backbenches, the Prime Minister revealed that - with immediate effect - he was freezing all the assets held by the FTSE 100 and appropriation of the capital wealth of those companie...

LAST MINUTE 'SPUNK-IT-ALL-AWAY' SPENDING SPREE EXPECTED British shoppers are expected to defy the recession, ignore the world's poor & starving and generally behave like utter cunts on the busiest shopping day of the year - as they rush to grab millions of pounds of useless bargain shite before the January sales start on Christmas Eve. One consumer told us he will put up his tent and start camping outside Top Shop in Oxford Street on Christmas Eve - missing out the festive fun on the big day - in order to get hold of those much needed goods to make his life feel valid before he kills himself in the New Year. Last-minute shoppers could spend more than £1million every MINUTE on their credit cards, and will be charged a similar amount in interest in the New Year - before killing their spouses and children and committing suicide. Visa expects to process more than 33million cubits of credit spunk worth more than £1.5billion of unnecessary clutter and tittle-tat...

SUPERFICIAL, NARCISSISTIC 'I'M A CELEB' VIEWERS IN MASS SUICIDE PACT Over 8 million viewers of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here have vowed to commit suicide before Christmas after the realisation dawned on them that they were entirely superficial, trivial and unnecessary - following their kicking out of Hart To Hart actress Stephanie Powers from the top rated ITV show. The 69-year-old went 'au naturel' in the jungle, wearing no make-up and refusing to straighten her hair, and duly polled the fewest public votes from the entirely hollow and one-dimensional audience. Following last night's show, a Facebook page was immediately set up by Swiss suicide firm, Dignitas. Calling itself, 'Did you not vote for Stephanie 'cos all you can see is an old boot, meaning you are now only interested in image - so why not kill yourself?, the page was set up to organise the humane self-ending of a sizeable amount of the British public who are now ...

CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? ... JAPANESE FLEE AS LENNY HENRY & COMIC RELIEF TEAM ARRIVE TO FILM GLOOMY FUNDRAISER First came the earthquake, then there was a devastating tsunami, followed by nuclear meltdowns and the possibility of radioactive discharge. Then rescuers and survivors alike shivered as the snows came, whilst authorities struggle to contain over-heating reactors. Many have said it is like a bad Hollywood movie, but the usually resilient Japanese are now fleeing Tokyo and other major cities in mass panic, after learning that a Lenny Henry fronted Comic Relief team had arrived at Narita Airport, and were said to be 'desperate' to film some tragic scenes and save his career, which hasn't been remotely funny since he rhymed Thriller with Aston Villa in 1984. Henry and his cohorts have also threatened to provide live transmissions of some Richard Curtis inspired 'fun' on Friday evening. Despite a rare TV appearance by Emperor Akihito, who told his people no...

MOYLES SMASHES RECORD 'TO BECOME WORLD'S BIGGEST CUNT' Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles was said to be overjoyed this morning, after finally smashing the record for the length of time that someone can be a cunt without losing consciousness. The roly-poly presenter maintained a top level of cuntishness for an astonishing 50 hours for Comic Relief, which breaks the previous record set by Josef Stalin during one of his final purges in 1952. "It's something I've been trying to do for a long time, normally people who attempt this are killed long before the 50-hour mark,” revealed the cunt, “So to have the safety of the radio studio was a very good idea.” Listeners who endured Moyles' show confirmed that the Leeds-born homophobe did indeed act like a total cunt for the whole time, citing that he spent the 50 hours laughing at his own jokes, feigning interest in his own drivel, abusing his sidekicks, mocking the weak and vulnerable, and using his money and influence to pro...

HOLLYWOOD MOGULS FLY IN TO JAPAN TO COMPLETE POST-PRODUCTION ON 'BEST CALAMITY MOVIE EVER' Hollywood directors Roland Emmerich, Wolfgang Peterson and the exhumed, reanimated corpse of Jerry Bruckheimer are all on board a helicopter currently circling the disaster zone in Japan, finalising camera shots for what they expect the be the 'best calamity movie ever.' Every single A-list Hollywood actor available, and Charlie Sheen, are lined up to play the major roles in the new movie, called 'Japan's Dawn of Death,' which is slated in for a big summer release that will undoubtedly take the special effects award at next year's Oscars. Sheen is to play the President of the United States of America, who's estranged daughter happens to be trapped in a school next to the nuclear plant at Fukuova that has been breached by the tsunami and several terrorists led by Alan Rickman. As the United Nations dithers, Sheen hijacks Air Force One and directs it to Japan, a...

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement. The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout) CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’ David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood. Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full: 1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners 2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics 3) We can...