~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER Which spoon each team would be...? MAN UTD - silver service CHELSEA - solid gold SPURS - solid gold plated HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94 THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL: ++ TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.' HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha... An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps i...

THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs... STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy... STEP 2) er, STEP 3) that's it... KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS 'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless... POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET' Bears linked to soiling of forests Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET! brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer STEP 3: Make huge profits The Times WARSHIP COMMANDE...

Introducing Boris' new right-hand man* - who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings. Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz) Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988 'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94) PM URGES C...

THAT 2008-09 PREMIERSHIP FIXTURE LIST IN FULL: Sat 16 Aug Match 1: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 2: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 3: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 4: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 5: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 6: tba vs tba (ko tbc) Match 7: L'pool vs tba (ko 17:00 SKY TV) Sun 17 Aug Match 8: Arsenal vs tba (ko 14:00 SKY TV) Match 9: Chelsea vs tba (ko 16:00 SKY TV) Mon 18 Aug Match 10: Man Utd vs tba (ko 19:45 SKY TV) ...continues through to about Sat 24th May 2009 Copyright © and Database Right 2008[/9] Sky Televis... sorry, I mean The Football Association Premier League Ltd / The Football League Ltd / The Scottish Premier League Ltd / The Scottish Football League. All rights reserved. All fixtures subject to change* (*According to Sky TV) Have you recently been 'totally DEVASTATED? Suffered from... DISPLACEMENT of Ego? CONFLICT of interest between club & country? ANGER on the pitch? EXTREME reactions to trifling matters...? Then don't suffer in silence. Join the MILLI...

New P.eye issue features 'New modest look for Newsnight girls' Join the debate: ARE GREEDY FIRMS & GOVERNMENT BODIES RIPPING YOU OFF WITH COSTLY HELPLINE NUMBERS? Tell us now: RING 0870 100 YES for 'YES' or 0870 200 NO for 'NO' (Calls cost 400m Zimbabwean dollars / per min & terminate in Harare) REALITY CHEQUE: This week: Bank of England Governor, MERVYN KING 1. What is the price of a bottle of milk? "Er, ...two English pounds?" 2. How about a loaf of bread?" Hmm..."I'm not sure if I like this line of questioning. 3. How much is does a 2kg bag of Basmati rice cost? " Right, that's it, this interview is over..."

26/05/08: GANG MURDER VICTIM ' WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession" In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown. That PM fightback in full: Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers. Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river. Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge. NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER: CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS 16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14. Police say they have ...