~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

26/05/08: GANG MURDER VICTIM ' WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession" In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown. That PM fightback in full: Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers. Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river. Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge. NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER: CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS 16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14. Police say they have ...

12/05/08: EUROPEAN NEWS Italy in shock as ugly old man joins Berlusconi cabinet DEFENCE CONTRACTOR 'ADMITS ETHICAL FAILINGS SHOCK 'Pope 'denies Vatican has shares in arms industry' Bears 'shit bullets' COMMENT IS FREE- IS THIS THE FIRST SIGNS OF THE BORIS EFFECT and a new classless society in London?As the first shooting of the week comes from a barrister in Chelsea, we ask (cont. on p. zzzz) ZIMBABWE LATEST: A second round of threats and intimidation is under way... OFFICIAL BORIS JOHNSON GAFFE SWEEPSTAKE: 500-1 - makes Robert Mugabe new 'London Crime Czar' 250-1 - says bendy buses should be filled with tenn gangs & burned on Bonfire Night 50-1 - calls for a new airport to be built on Olympic site 25-1 - misunderstood banter with Brian Paddick about cushions 12-1 - flatly contradicts Conservative Party policy 7-2 - hanky panky in City Hall 2-1 - unfortunate racist remark LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA SUPPORTERS: Your ESSENTIAL guide for travel to Moscow...

28/04/08: NEW HITLER SHAME Mr Max Mosley, a spokesman for the former chancellor of Germany, has denied reports that Adolf Hitler 'was a rabid fan of motor racing,' and 'listened to reports of grands prix on the radio.' "What Herr Hitler did in the privacy of his own bunker was his own business," said Mosley, "And had absolutely nothing to do with him getting on with the job of winning ze var and gainink komplete kontrol of ze whole vorld." PRESCOTT: "Yes - I suffered from Bulshitia" Brave politician applauded for having the courage to take the first step of admitting they told pork pies rather than simply eating them.