~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

TV TONIGHT: Shakespearean Play for TodayA woman who earns a living writhing around naked in fake blood and intestines complains of reputation being ruined… Following the Brand and Ross scandal, a new regulatory body will be set up to monitor celebrity indiscretions. OFTWAT will make sure that any mis.. (cont. p94) The Daily Mail: Has Jonathan Ross caused house prices to fall? On centre pages - A special investigation Does Russell Brand give you cancer? Top 5 responses from viewers this week: 1. Brand / Ross lose jobs 35,4022. 2. Should Sachs be compensated? 23,0823. 3. Will Georgina Baillie get her own TV show? 11,7894. 4. Economic crisis 285. 5. War in Congo 2 'The BBC has lost touch with public' thunder politicians from yacht in Adriatric WHO SHOULD BE THE NEW COMEDY CZAR? Juliet Bravo?, Ian Blair, Boris Johnson??? Lord Archer, Sir James Anderton, Sir Keith Richards Sir George Lamb, Sir Larry the Lamb, Sir Pinky & Perky Mr Bill (& Ben).... INDIA KNIGHT'S TOP TIP...

27 oct 08: SALES OF FOOD FALL FOR FIRST TIME Has Prescott gone on holiday? This week's most expensive cocktail: SEX ON THE BEACH (Dubai Mix) Cost: 6 months in jail. "Government ministers are completely out of touch with the public," says George Osbourne from aboard a yacht in the Adriatric. How violent crimes were recorded before... GBH was termed 'apple scrumping' ABH was 'knocking a bobby's helmet off with your catapult' RAPE was 'assualt with a friendly weapon' that's enough... BIG BUSINESS MAY INFLUENCE GOVERNMENT POLICY DECISIONS SHOCK Bears consultancy with Forestry Commission proves constructive Pope's long term contract with Vatican not influenced by Catholicism-That Lord Ashdown charity list in full:Children's charities (insert names of Lord Ashdown's children here)Conservative Central Officeer, that'sit...-- SPORTS NEWS: Driver who wins Grand Prix not disqualified shockAstonishment as winner actually retains res...

29 sep 08 Nursery Times: JUST WHO ARE THESE 'SHORT SELLERS'? There appear to be seven of them: PROSPERITY, WEALTHY, PROPERTY, GLUTTONY, GREEDY, STINGY, and… MISERLY. AIRLINE NEWS: Suicidal hijackers 'to pay more' From now on, passengers wishing to take over a plane in the name of their cause and crash it into an iconic building of capitilism, will have to pay for the privilege (cont. p94) BLAINE TO TRY TOUGHEST TEST YET World's greatest illusionist will attempt to sit through an Afghan wedding without getting bombed by the U.S. Air Force.

15 sep 08 Pupils are held back at school because they're forced to learn 'English' Academic says outdated form of language and script are of little use when chasing today's most popular careers. What are top five career choices for today's pupils? 'being rich and famous' 'being rich' 'premiership footballer / wife of premiership footballer' 'dj-ing / rapping' 'conceptual graffiti artist' 'WE ARE NOT ALL SLUTS' American music stars furious at MTV video music awards host Russell Brand have blasted his act, saying it is 'obsessed with sex' and 'cheap, filthy and perverse.' The stars, who regularly perform songs filled with sexual innuendo aimed at a pre-teen and teenage market whilst wearing leather bondage gear revealed… (cont. p94)

1st sep 08 DAILY TELEGRAPH COURT CIRCULAR Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend, enjoyed a day's shopping in London yesterday. Accompanied by her mother Beverley, the Zimbabwean-born 23-year old visited the Kings Road, Chelsea, making a purchase at French Connection. Were you shopping in the Kings Road yesterday? Perhaps you were on holiday or maybe you don't have to work for living either? Do you know what Chelsy bought? Do you know what other clothes she tried on? Email / Text: filler@telegraph.co.uk THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN DISASTER ZONE ANALOGIES Still at no.1: 'Like Hell' re-entry at 2: 'Like Beirut' down to no.3: 'Like the black hole of Calcutta' new entry at no.4: 'Like Slough...' (continued...) U.S. ELECTION 2008: BIDEN PASSES 'CRUCIAL BEER TEST' In a tradition started by Edward Kennedy, Democratic running mate Joe Biden wins decision over who American voters would like to go drink-driving with...

POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER Which spoon each team would be...? MAN UTD - silver service CHELSEA - solid gold SPURS - solid gold plated HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94 THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL: ++ TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.' HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha... An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps i...

THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs... STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy... STEP 2) er, STEP 3) that's it... KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS 'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless... POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET' Bears linked to soiling of forests Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET! brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer STEP 3: Make huge profits The Times WARSHIP COMMANDE...