~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

A leaked, earlier 'draft' copy of the Conservative election manifesto has revealed that the government could outmanoeuvre Labour's proposals to take Britain back to the 1970's, with their own plan to take the country back to the 1870s, before most of the great Victorian parliamentary reforms in social welfare, worker rights and suffrage were passed on to British society.                  Pay't mill owner permission to come to work The report, marked 'confidential,' details how the next Conservative government will go much further than Jeremy Corbyn, taking Britain back to the glory days of the greatest Empire on which the sun never set - a time when it was run by about two dozen rich, paternalistic white male  entrepreneurs with long grey beards. Describing 'halcyonic days when t here was a general relaxation of laws that inhibited private enterprise and economic growth,' the document states that a post-Brexit Britain could see thos...

Too late for P.Eye, so here goes, er here. Not much scope for this time-sensitive stuff, apart from The Tart satire paper, or maybe Tory HQ - they might want to show they're not afraid of laughing at themselves... Thanks to Jamie for the idea. A good example of the kind of utter rubbish I churn out every week. Cluck it, might as well post the rest of the guff from last week as well... POOR HAVE 'WORSE HEALTH' SHOCK Bears like 'white sliced chip butties' Pope loves 'olive oil ciabattas drizzled with aioli' That morally dubious 'we'll race anywhere for cash' F1 season guide in full: Round 1: IRANIAN GRAND PRIX – Al-sharia non-homo ring Round 2: ZIMBABWEAN GRAND PRIX – Robert Mugabe Circuitory Oval Round 3: CUBAN GRAND PRIX – Autudromo Che Guevera Round 4: NORTH KOREAN GRAND PRIX – Plutoniumring Round 5: INDONESIAN GRAND PRIX – East Timorese Memorial Cup Round 6: SINGAPOREAN GRAND PRIX – Noh Chew Wing Gum Circuit Round 7: CHINESE GRAND PRIX – Tib...