~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement. The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout) CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’ David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood. Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full: 1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners 2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics 3) We can...

LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’ The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’ Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’ TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years. New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, ...