~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

IT'S THE NEW FITNESS CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION! Free-running, or to use the original French term 'leggineet de les gendarmes,' is all about getting you from A to B no matter what obstacles are in your path - such as walls, cars, the person you just stole that bag from, or the police - and it's guaranteed to get you fit!

MALLOCH-BROWN: 'Moon IS made of cheese' Foreign Office Minister, Lord Malloch-Brown has revealed that the Moon is indeed made of cheese, which contradicts his statement last week, when commenting on the Moon landings, he said that 'anyone who thinks the moon is made of cheese is clearly off their rocker.' However, after consulting with top members of the government and top advisors, the Minister has now revised his initial statement, and now says that the lunar surface is definitely made up of cheese material. Lord Malloch-Brown then went on to point out that Bears do not use the woods to defecate, and that the Pope was definitely not Catholic. FOOTBALLER TO SUE MAN WHO 'REPEATEDLY HEADBUTTED HIS FISTS' Footballer Steven Gerrard is to sue the man who he defended himself against in a bar brawl. Blurry ccTV footage clearly showed the Liverpool & England star protecting himself with his fists as a DJ repeatedly headbutted them, suffering facial cuts and a lost...

FINANCE NEWS: HUGE INTEREST IN CITY FOLLOWING CHILD'S REPORT "One of the clearest, most thought-provoking insights we've ever seen." Bankers have been astonished by a boy's essay on working practices in the financial sector, with a report that has generated five or six times more responses than usual research does. "It's something we've never seen before, literally dozens of fund managers, and several CEOs have been e-mailing and calling all day," revealed one city analyst. The report, by a 3 year old, reveals the folly of high risk investments with money you haven't got in the first place, and then awarding yourself for this idiocy with six figure bonuses and vast pensions. OTHER CITY NEWS : Foetus to decide on investments for futures traders "1 kick for Yes, 2 for No" plan mooted. TODAY'S PITILESS, UNCARING CITY LUNCH DISH: Bluefin Tuna and veal escalope on a bed of foie gras (ONLY ?399,99 from the fixed price menu) ME & ...

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM NHS DIE-RECT: HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death 1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK. 2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible. 3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER. 4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs, 5. Er, that's 6. It... ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD... with Randy J. Bullshitorelli... "I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be fo...