Friday, 21 August 2009

17 Aug 09



IT'S THE NEW FITNESS CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!
Free-running, or to use the original French term 'leggineet de les gendarmes,' is all about getting you from A to B no matter what obstacles are in your path - such as walls, cars, the person you just stole that bag from, or the police - and it's guaranteed to get you fit!

3 Aug 09



MALLOCH-BROWN: 'Moon IS made of cheese'
Foreign Office Minister, Lord Malloch-Brown has revealed that the Moon is indeed made of cheese, which contradicts his statement last week, when commenting on the Moon landings, he said that 'anyone who thinks the moon is made of cheese is clearly off their rocker.'
However, after consulting with top members of the government and top advisors, the Minister has now revised his initial statement, and now says that the lunar surface is definitely made up of cheese material. Lord Malloch-Brown then went on to point out that Bears do not use the woods to defecate, and that the Pope was definitely not Catholic.

FOOTBALLER TO SUE MAN WHO 'REPEATEDLY HEADBUTTED HIS FISTS'
Footballer Steven Gerrard is to sue the man who he defended himself against in a bar brawl.
Blurry ccTV footage clearly showed the Liverpool & England star protecting himself with his fists as a DJ repeatedly headbutted them, suffering facial cuts and a lost tooth in the process. The man, who is now under round-the-clock police protection in case he decides to attack more wealthy footballers, has been threatened by football fans and other well-wishers. The star revealed his shock about the attack, saying, "What if I was a goalkeeper? He could have seriously damaged my livelihood with his dangerously jerky head movements against my hands."

OTHER NEWS: Amy Winehouse to prosecute woman who smashed her face into the singer's hand at a charity function.

DAILY EXPRESS: FLU HOTLINE MANNED BY GYPSY IMMIGRANT JUNKIE ALCOHOLIC TERRORIST MAD MURDER COWS
The swine flu hotline is being manned by people with no medical background, says madman. (cont p93)

Ordinary families 'are shut out of top jobs' shock
Bears 'refuse to use toilets outside in backyard'
Vatican 'not part of council estate'

RECESSION LATEST
Significant drop in knife sales in certain sectors is shored up by consistent rise in the crucual 12-19 year old male purchaser market. "It's an exciting growth market" say retailers.

MET OFFICE DOWNGRADES SUMMER FORECAST
Previous 'barbeque summer' forecast lowered to 'indoor barbeque summer.'
EXTREME HUMORISTS THREATEN SACHA BARON COHEN
All-Satyrist Brigade will respond if he makes another over-the-top one joke movie...

HOLIDAYwatch: Keep tabs on where have our lazy leaders gone this summer...
ELLIOT MORLEY smugly sunning himself, lazing in a deckchair with a drink in hand,
in his back garden.
GEORGE OSBORNE on a yacht in the Med.
OSAMA BIN LADEN walking in the Lake District.
GARY GLITTER at Butlins Holiday Camp, Skegness.
Have you seen someone on holiday where they shouldn't be? Contact GNOME HolidayWATCH now

20th July 09





















FINANCE NEWS: HUGE INTEREST IN CITY FOLLOWING CHILD'S REPORT
"One of the clearest, most thought-provoking insights we've ever seen."
Bankers have been astonished by a boy's essay on working practices in the financial sector, with a report that has generated five or six times more responses than usual research does. "It's something we've never seen before, literally dozens of fund managers, and several CEOs have been e-mailing and calling all day," revealed one city analyst. The report, by a 3 year old, reveals the folly of high risk investments with money you haven't got in the first place, and then awarding yourself for this idiocy with six figure bonuses and vast pensions.

OTHER CITY NEWS: Foetus to decide on investments for futures traders
"1 kick for Yes, 2 for No" plan mooted.

TODAY'S PITILESS, UNCARING CITY LUNCH DISH:
Bluefin Tuna and veal escalope on a bed of foie gras (ONLY ?399,99 from the fixed price menu)

ME & MY SPOON with Boris Johnson
Where did you set your spoon from?
"This silver one? I was born with it in my mouth."

How much did your spoon cost?
"Oh cripes! Erm, about ?250,000?"

Don't you think that's a bit excessive for a spoon when most people can only afford a cheap plastic one?
"Well, well (unwritable blustering noise) erm, cripes, well mine has many uses, er, for, for, for instance, I, I, I, (looks at watch), I use it for feeding my chickens in my eco-coop back in Henley."

KISSINGER IN LINE FOR SECOND NOBEL PRIZE?
Unprecedented second peace prize could be awarded to the original exponent of a defence strategy based on the covert bombing of a country next door to the one where you are actually waging your war.

5th July 09

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM NHS DIE-RECT:
HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death
1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK.
2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible.
3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs,
5. Er, that's
6. It...

ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD...
with Randy J. Bullshitorelli...
"I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be found in time to stem the flow..."

Other News:
BROWN TAKES TIME OUT FROM RUINING THE COUNTRY TO OFFER SYMPATHY TO JACKSON FAMILY

Jackson doctor to release tribute song: "Heal the world make it a better place - with a rather dangerous cocktail of strong prescription drugs..."

(c) All Newspapers: "Now let's leave the family alone to grieve privately"
(full story, commentary and pics on pages 1-45)

URI GELLER: Why didn't I see this coming?

DI'LY EXPRESS
M. AL-FAYED ASKS: Why has no-one mentioned yet that Prince Phillip could have been seen speeding from Jackson's mansion in a white fiat uno? Is it because of a top-level conspiracy?

GET INVOLVED:
Have you been affected by Michael Jackson's death?
How many days off work did you take this week?
Where was YOUR shrine?
Is this enough Ed?
WE'VE GOT NEWSPAPERS TO FILL - Text our premium rate line with YOUR VIEWS ON JACKO'S DEATH

The Daily Telegraph REVEALED: GP 'GHOST PATIENTS' LIST IN FULL
Marie Celeste
The Brown Lady of Raynham Hall
The Bell Witch
The Woman Borley Rectory
The Demon Drummer of Tedworth
The Amityville Horror
Mary Worth aka Bloody Mary
Lily Langtry