Tuesday, 19 August 2008

p.eye rejects Aug 18th 2008







POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER
Which spoon each team would be...?
MAN UTD - silver service
CHELSEA - solid gold
SPURS - solid gold plated
HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94

THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL:

++
TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.'

HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha...

An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps in. At first he thinks he's alone. Then he spies his errant son in the corner...
J.R.: "My son, I am angry with you - why haven't the Iraqi football team qualified for the world cup?It is your fault. You must motivate them like a Hussein would - beat their soles, beat their children..."
Son (shouting, emotional): "...Dad! You've always put me down, always angry with me! Is it because I'm gay? J.R.: "No son. You are Uday." (NOT to be continued)

Wednesday, 6 August 2008





THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs...
STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy...
STEP 2) er,
STEP 3) that's it...

KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS
'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless...

POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET'
Bears linked to soiling of forests
Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican


THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET!
brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS
STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational
STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer
STEP 3: Make huge profits

The Times
WARSHIP COMMANDER IN GULF HOSTAGES DEBACLE LOSES JOB
Navy says move not linked to Iran abduction
"Ha ha ha ha," Ha ha ha ha-ha, "ha ha ha-ha, hee-hee."Hee-hee, ha ha ha...
(continues on jokes page)

21st july Eye rejects






















Introducing Boris' new right-hand man*
- who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings.
Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks

CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz)

Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988
'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94)

PM URGES CEO PAY RESTRAINT
Gordon Brown has asked for corporate leaders to take into account the currrent economic climate and limit pay increases to not more than a 1000% of their employees, as this may encourage them to strike when they get a pay deal that is below inflationThe Prime Minister also wants CEO's to refrain from buying yachts, gold bullion, small African countries, laser beams or secret underwater bases.

Daily Mail: IS KNIFE CRIME CAUSING FALLING HOUSE PRICES?
Inside: Why no-one in Britain is safe from our screaming headlines

+ ESTHER RANTZEN ON HOW CAN WE FIX 'BROKEN TEETH BRITAIN'?
This week's top tag-lines are:
'Broken Teeth' Britain, 'Blade' Blitain, 'Bloken' Blitain, 'Scalpel' society'

PLEASE STOP THIS DANGEROUS ESCALATION OF CASUAL, TIT-FOR-TAT, MACHO, POSTURING kneejerk reactions by politicians looking to make a name for themselves on the back of knife crime...

Those TOP FIVE unbreakable G8 pledges in full:
1. war is bad
2. child murder is a terrible thing
3. landmines aren't very helpful to children playing football
4. er, blue is quite a nice colour...
5. um, that's it...

WHY IS BRITAIN SO 'HIDEOUSLY WHITE'?
With only 85% of the UK still wrapping themselves in the covertly fascistic term of 'white british,' isn't it high time that britain stopped being so OVERTLY RACIST? This constant pandering to the whims of the WASP masses is getting us nowhere. We should stop all this TOKEN STEREOTYPING of the UK as white anglo-saxon country, and finally acknowledge what we all really want it to be; a black disabled muslim homosexual caliphate.
When asked to fill out any forms - say a quick 10-page Health & Safety / CRB / CRE / CIA disclaimer for a children's party, I always tick the box, 'one-legged lesbian Somali refugee with learning difficulties' to show my solidarity with my non-white brothers, sisters (and transgender brothers and sisters, or brothers / sisters)... (continues for several pages...)