Tuesday, 27 May 2008

26/05/08:
GANG MURDER VICTIM 'WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK

BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession"
In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown.
That PM fightback in full:
Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers.
Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river.
Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge.

NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE
This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER:
CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED
RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL

DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON

TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS
16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14.
Police say they have no idea how they got there...

MPs TO ROADTEST 'RIGHT TO LIE' CARDS

12/05/08:
EUROPEAN NEWS
Italy in shock as ugly old man joins Berlusconi cabinet

DEFENCE CONTRACTOR 'ADMITS ETHICAL FAILINGS SHOCK
'Pope 'denies Vatican has shares in arms industry'
Bears 'shit bullets'

COMMENT IS FREE- IS THIS THE FIRST SIGNS OF THE BORIS EFFECT and a new classless society in London?As the first shooting of the week comes from a barrister in Chelsea, we ask (cont. on p. zzzz)

ZIMBABWE LATEST: A second round of threats and intimidation is under way...

OFFICIAL BORIS JOHNSON GAFFE SWEEPSTAKE:
500-1 - makes Robert Mugabe new 'London Crime Czar'
250-1 - says bendy buses should be filled with tenn gangs & burned on Bonfire Night
50-1 - calls for a new airport to be built on Olympic site
25-1 - misunderstood banter with Brian Paddick about cushions
12-1 - flatly contradicts Conservative Party policy
7-2 - hanky panky in City Hall
2-1 - unfortunate racist remark

LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA SUPPORTERS: Your ESSENTIAL guide for travel to Moscow After the corruption and violent chaos of the Communist era, football fans going to the Russian capital for the Champoins League match will now see a democratic renaissance under the new, uncorruptable and entirely freely elected leadership of Dmitry Medvedev…
Getting there: The cheapest flight is via Omsk and takes 29 hours, costing a total of £998 (single). On your arrival in Moscow, you must hand over your passport and any valuables such as wedding rings and credit cards to a man wearing a leather coat – despite the sunny weather. His name is Vladimir. He will take care of your property for a small fee to be agreed on meeting (usually around $300).
Staying there: Budget hotels are scarce in the city centre, and fans are therefore advised to meet a man in the North-East corner of Red Square at 2pm. His name is Andrei, you cannot miss him - he will be the only person wearing a traditional Ushanka hat in the 30 degree heat. For a finders fee of only 150 € he will direct you to the nearest hotel charging very competitive rates. The Hotel Lubyanka's rooms may be spartan, but at only £400 a night (room only) they are amongst the cheapest in the whole of Moscow!
At the match: Tickets will be held for you at the ticket office in Room 10023 Glasnost Prospekt, just on the outskirts of Moscow. Speak to a man called Boris. He will give you your tickets only on receipt of a 'Ticket Release fee' of 40,000 roubles (approx. 30 pence). Tickets will only be given up on proof of identity (e.g. passport, credit cards, etc)
Going home: You will be allowed to go home when you have your passport returned to you - following payment of a 'passport tax' to another man in a leather coat, called Igor - at Moscow Airport (Cubicle 7 in toilet block 3c). The usual fee is $300. You will then be the fast-tracked through the departure lounge, personally escorted to your plane by 'security forces.'

TOP TIP'S ON AVOIDING A SPEEDING PENALTY:
1. Be rich 2. Be famous... 3. ...or be a chief of police 4. er... 5. ...that's it...
28/04/08:

NEW HITLER SHAME
Mr Max Mosley, a spokesman for the former chancellor of Germany, has denied reports that Adolf Hitler 'was a rabid fan of motor racing,' and 'listened to reports of grands prix on the radio.'
"What Herr Hitler did in the privacy of his own bunker was his own business," said Mosley, "And had absolutely nothing to do with him getting on with the job of winning ze var and gainink komplete kontrol of ze whole vorld."

PRESCOTT:
"Yes - I suffered from Bulshitia"
Brave politician applauded for having the courage to take the first step of admitting they told pork pies rather than simply eating them.