~ Nick Tolson ~ Viz, Private Eye writer...

NAÏVE STORY ABOUT 3DTV NEGLECTS TO MENTION OBVIOUS LUCRATIVE PORN ANGLE Do not see inside for more >> No comment on p9 DAILY MAIL REVEALED: The 492 native species driven to extinction UNDER LABOUR. Brown’s government dallies as brown bears, lynxs, and wolves die out.. (cont. on pZZZzzzz) THATCHER FLEES UK AS CLEGG PROCLAIMS 'ADMIRATION' Post Office to forward all junk mail to the Direct Marketing Association (address helpfully printed below) The Direct Marketing Association DMA House 70 Margaret Street London W1W 8SS

STAFFORD HOSPITAL 'PRAISED FOR PIONEERING UNASSISTED SUICIDES' Managers at the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust have been praised and ‘remunerated accordingly’ for their pioneering work in unassisted suicide techniques over the past few years. In a patient care routine known as “ignoring and humiliating,” managers ensured that costs were cut and all government targets were met, whilst patient waiting lists were kept low through increasing death rates. Nursing techniques included not washing patients for weeks, not providing them with food or drink and not assisting them to the lavatory. Other practices involved getting relatives to wash soiled sheets at home, ignoring infections and falls, and dead bodies on the wards. TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES SET TO FALL The government announced the good news today that teenage pregnancies in the UK are predicted to drop when England football squad departs for World Cup in June. (cont. p.ZZZzzzz) INQUIRY LAUNCHED INTO BABY P DOCTOR ILLNESS An inqu...

COUNCIL NEWS Birmingham City Council has revealed it will have to make savings of up to £69m by April 2011. Council executives have said this target will be achieved by offering a voluntary redundancy package to one chief executive refuse operator - who earns around that amount annually when overtime, backdated pay and standby allowances were taken into consideration. NEW CHILDREN’S TV SCHEDULE FOLLOWING LIFTING OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT BAN Thomas the First Capital Connect Tank Engine & Friends The RBS Clangers In The B&Q Night Garden Peppa Pig brought to you by Walls The Teletubbies (already sponsored by Teletubbies Inc. of Pyongyang) DAILY MAIL: WILL JOHN TERRY CAUSE RISING HOUSE PRICES? ‘I’ll die just like Diana,’ fears Katie Price Newlywed Katie Price has revealed that she fears she could die in a Diana-style car crash (cont. p94) WHAT DO YOU THINK? How do YOU should Katie Price die? Ring or text now: 0898 500 600 1 – Garrotted in bizarre scarf meets kitchen blender accid...

BRITAIN NOW A 'CRUCIBLE OF ERROR' Error threat level raised to 'probable' following report into Doncaster Social Services...