Tuesday, 27 October 2009

26 Oct 09 stuff






















THE SUN COMMENT - WHERE IS THE QUEEN?
Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know.
Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out.

QUEEN TO STAR IN PANTO
The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)

Monday, 12 October 2009

12 oct stuff



















OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow"

Entertainment Newzzzzzz: 'AWFUL FILM' TO BE GIVEN AWAY'
An experimental film called 'The Rage' starring Jude Law is to be the first movie to be made available as a free download to mobile phones. The director of the universally panned film said that we should embrace the internet and not be afraid of free downloads, especially if no cinema
is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it.
Goto http://www.shitenewfilm.com/ to see it for free.

The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT:
ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years.

TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR
Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners.
WOMEN CAN BE PAEDOPHILES TOO SHOCK
Mummy bear 'denies involvement in disappearence of Goldilocks.'
Pope 'not head of organisation that moves certain priests around.'

HARINGEY COUNCIL: Outrageous new claims
Titanic 'still on course for timely disembarkation'
JFK visit to Dallas 'a resounding success'
North Korea 'ideal system of government'Honour killings 'promote multicultural society'
War in Afghanistan 'definitely winnable'

Exclusive: THAT 'FIT AND PROPER PREMIERSHIP OWNER LIST IN FULL:
--


Monday, 5 October 2009

sep 28th stuff

NEW £50 BRIXTON NOTE
accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers

The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED
Royal Mail management has exposed the full extent of the dodgy working practices’ that have been employed by postal workers for decades and are now the reason for the strikes that have brought chaos to the mail system.
Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full:
Wearing sombreros,
Smelling of onions,
Riding donkeys,
Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon,
Being an air traffic controller and going on strike.

Letter of the day
Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space)

Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way
Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94)

BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL*
*From Afghanistan

Church must lose S&M image to swell members
A man dressed entirely in black who represents the Church of England has described himself ‘frustrated’ and has said that the church needs to shed its ‘suited and booted’ image in order to attract followers of other fetishes. 'Wouldn't Jesus be in the queue at Ann Summers?, said the bishop to the (cont. p9)

GREAT BIKE PARTY IN LONDON
Last week, over 50,000 cyclists reclaimed the pavements of the capital as part of the climax of a summer of cycling initiatives. London mayor Boris Johnson applauded the event, which included several bike-themed competitions such as ‘riding drunk with no lights,’ ‘riding with too much lycra’ as well as the ever-popular ‘screaming at pedestrians who have the temerity to cross in front of you at a zebra crossing,’ and ‘riding through a red light one-handed whilst you shuffle your i-Pod with your child on the handlebars.’

‘WE WILL INVADE POLAND’
Liberal Democrat leader in desperate attempt to gain publicity at party conference. Other plans mooted by Nick Who? include landing on Mars ‘by the end of the decade – not this one, the next one.’

On other pages: Further savage cuts to Lib Dem leader’s image promised (pgZZzzzz)
Is anyone reading this? Hello?? ...No

14 sep 09 stuff






Families of Russians killed by American-made Stinger missiles to sue U.S. Government
The families of Russian soldiers who died in Afghanistan in the 1980's at the hands of the CIA-backed Mujahadeen are to sue the American government. The families are requesting compensation from the U.S. for supplying the Stinger missiles that killed their sons.

Other Pentagon news: CIA to employ two Doncaster torture brothers "We aim to learn all their juvenile torture techniques," said a CIA spokesman, "As a treat we may even teach them all about waterboarding," before revealing that the 'Feral Two' will be flown in an unmarked jet to 'a secret camp in a friendly despotic country.'
Other News: Pot calls kettle 'black'

MOYLES BREAKS RECORD FOR CONTINUOUS DRIVEL ON RADIO
Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles today celebrated his breaking of the long held 'drivel' record at Radio 1, beating the previous incumbent Tony Blackburn - who had held the record for 36 years.Mr Blackburn, 86, spouted claptrap to ensure that no listener actually learned anything of value from 1967 to 1972, before handing over to Noel Edmonds. He said that he was a big admirer of Moyles, although was quick to point out that during the seventies he annoyed up to 18 million people who had nothing else to listen to, whereas the present Breakfast Show presenter can only talk utter shite to about 7 million pissed listeners.

THOSE TOP DRIVELLERS IN FULL:
Chris Moyles - 2,074 days and counting
Tony Blackburn - 2073
Noel Edmonds - 1009
Jimmy Saville - 106
Jimmy Young - 103
Gary Gliiter - 94 er....,

JACKO CAREER 'DEAD A DECADE BEFORE AMBULANCE CALL'
Michael Jackson's career death was kept a secret for at least a decade before his fatal heart attack in July, it was claimed yesterday. In a desperate move to fool fans... (cont. pZZZZZZ)

NHS IN CLASSIC CASE OF UNDERSTATEMENT
A man who's brain was partially eaten by a cannibal killer 'was failed by NHS Mental Health Trust,' says a report. The NHS offered an unreserved apology to the now-dead victim. Something along the lines of 'understandably our standards fell way short in allowing a killer to be released and then go on to kill again and eat the brain of his flatmate. Possibly this is not what the victim wanted. The care in the community system may have failed this time. Mistakes were made. But rest assured we will learn from this. Will this do?'

Hammond admits crash injury has restricted him
Top Gear's Richard Hammond says he is still recovering from the effects of a high-speed crash which took place while filming for the show three years ago. He has revealed that injuries to the brain has restricted him to presenting low-brow, unchallenging tat like Top Gear, Richard Hammond's Blast Lab and Total Wipeout. He said, "any damage" could "take years to get over," although he didn't specify whether he was talking about damage to himself or viewers.

1st Sep 09 stuff


BIGGS ARRIVES IN TRIPOLI

MANDELSON REASSURES PUBLIC HE IS STILL IN CONTROL
Lord Mandelson has assured the UK population that he is still running the country, despite having surgery to remove an enlarged prostate gland. The surgery - which was successful - was performed by the Business Secretary himself, following a local anaesthetic, also applied by Lord Mandelson. The First Secretary of State explained, “Even though I was having surgery, I want to reassure the British public that I was in touch with Downing Street at all times. Although I did feel some very slight discomfort whilst stitching, I was still able to conduct official matters of state with my left hand, by means of a Blackberry.”
It is believed that the Business Secretary communicated several policy decisions whilst on the operating table, and after remaining overnight in hospital he discharged himself, but not before he helped to deliver several babies and perform minor brain surgery.

NOTICE: Official USA boycott of Scotch goods.
From now on, famous Scotchland goods will be replaced by real American products.“Scotch Whiskey” is to renamed “Texan Bourbon”
“Haggis, Neeps and Tatties” = “Trump’s Stomach, Liberty Cabbage and Freedom Fries” “Cullen Skink” = “Mom’s Apple Pie” “Cock-a-Leekie” = “Cheese strings and grits”
Now go to the website: http://www.boycottscotchland.com/

OXFAM PRESS RELEASE... Announcing the most eagerly anticipated charity offload since the 'The Da Vinci Code.'Six years in the writing, 'The Lost Symbol' is Dan Brown's extraordinary sequel to his internationally best selling charity books, Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code.The reading of the ‘The Lost Symbol’ will take place over a 12-hour period, before being donated to Oxfam. From the first page, readers will be intrigued and will feel the thrill of discovery that they will soon once again be dropping off another of Dan Brown’s weighty tomes in a bin bag with other unwanted goods and bric-a-brac.

AFGHAN ELECTION ‘NO MORE CORRUPT THAN A U.S. ONE'

TOXIC SHIP RETURNS TO UK WATERS
A ship containing over 1,400 tonnes of rubbish, including some speeches and slide shows by the former Liberal leader Lord Steel, arrived back in Britain yesterday, after a storm of protest...(cont. p94)