Monday, 9 January 2012

CAMERON PROMISES COMPLETE REDISTRIBUTION OF UK WEALTH

Prime Minister David Cameron shook up the debate over executive pay yesterday when he demanded "clear transparency," and "no gimmicks" or "tokenism" when it came to reforming the financial system.

In a 5 hour speech - given all major television channels - the Coalition leader tested his support in Tory heartlands by promising to completely break up the wealth of the City of London before vowing to 'shatter the FTSE 100 into a thousand pieces.'

Wearing military fatigues and occasionally puffing on a large Cuban cigar, Mr Cameron ranted, banged his fist and occasionally foamed at the mouth whilst blaming the great Satan, the United States of America, for the current economic woes afflicting the world.

And in a move that will no doubt raise eyebrows on the Tory backbenches, the Prime Minister revealed that - with immediate effect - he was freezing all the assets held by the FTSE 100 and appropriation of the capital wealth of those companies on behalf of the people.
With this in mind - and in a move that will probably see him coming into direct conflict with his deputy, Nick Clegg - the PM has ordered the setting up of several revolutionary committees to take command of the situation, with the Ministry for the Recovery of Misappropriated Assets will oversee the redistribution of wealth around the country.

Mr Cameron also ordered the moving of parliament to the new capital of Hull, the immediate closure of all public schools, private hospitals and private health clubs, whilst the City of London will be moved to the new business zone of Liverpool (with the FTSE 100 closing down and re-opening as a collective of small businesses called 'the DEGSY 500') - as well as arranging for The Queen and her entire Royal Family to be banished to the Isle of Wight before the end of this tax year.