Friday, 24 April 2009

more april 09 graphics







april 09









8 apr 09: POLICE OFFICER TO CLAIM FOR INJURIES FROM G20
A brave police officer who's baton was headbutted several times by 'out of control anarchists' during the April Fool's Day protest is to file a claim for... (cont p94)

OTHER PREDICTABLE NEWS:
CCTV footage of G20 summit 'rather mysteriously lost' say smiling police

OBAMA TO BE SUED BY CHILDREN'S TV STAR
Bob the Builder said to be furious over 'Can we fix it? Yes we can' claim by U.S. president.
"It's all a bit vague and unporfessional," argues Bob, "You should NEVER make a promise without also giving a considered estimate about how long the job will take - and how much it will cost. Anyone who doesn't is a cowboy in my book. I mean, take that George Bush..." (estimate continues for several pages)

The Independent: Surprise visit to U.S. is on the cards for Obama
President to offer hand of friendship to country traditionally seen as reactionary, backward-looking, extremist and violent (cont p94)

CONTROVERSY AS GRAND NATIONAL WINNER
'HAS BETTER TEETH THAN JOCKEY'

further march 09 rubbish





























march 09


26 mar 09: VICTORY FOR BRAVE SOLDIERS!
Gordon Brown saluted 'a great generation of heroes' as he finally backed a campaign to allow the Taliban to have equal rights to hold victory parades and march through Britain's streets.

OUTCRY AS HEWITT LEADS DRIVE TO ALLOW SICK & WEAK GOVERNMENTS END THEIR LIVES
A campaign led by former Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt to put terminally ill governments out of their misery has been universally backed by MPs on all sides. "This is a very good idea being brought through the back door," said one supporter (cont. p94)



13 mar 09: NEW FEARS FOR JADE
Friends of Jade Goody said they feared for the reality TV star last night, after rumours spread that former Prime Minister Tony Blair was preparing a tearfully insincere speech titled; 'She was, quite simply, the peepul's reality TV star,' and that Elton John was preparing an imminent release of a reworking an old hit of his - 'Goodbye Millwall's Rose' - which will feature a lucrative b-side cash-in (cont. p94).

99% LESS PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE POVERTY HISTORY THAN 3 YEARS AGO UK Charities were in turmoil last night as a new survey revealed that the number of people expressing a desire to ‘Make Poverty History’ had dropped by over 99% since the slogan was first popularized in 2005. The survey, which was conducted by a new study into charitable attitudes, found that the once-stylish charity wristbands had all but disappeared from public view, suggesting that as the financial crisis took hold in rich countries, its citizens had reverted to a ‘charity begins at home’ philosophy, and no longer gave a flying fuck about the starving millions.

Other news: European wristband mountain hits new heights
The wristband mountain that has been growing just outside Eindhoven hit the 1,000 foot mark for the first time yesterday. Rubbish experts at the EU predict that several more million tonnes of hopelessly naff pieces of rubber will arrive at the site by the end of the year, tipping the mountain to upwards of (cont. p94)

more feb 09 graphics





feb 09
























26 feb 09: ALL NEW 2009 MORRISSEY: "I was looking for a job, then I didn’t find a job, And heaven knows I'm going on a gap year now..."

THE NEWS FROM RUSSIA TODAY:
A COURT in Moscow has acquitted four men accused of murdering investigative journalist Anna Politkovskaya. The four men were found not guilty of murder and immediately freed, after it was revealed Ms Politkovskaya’s death was just a terrible accident because she had fallen in her flat on to a malfunctioning gun that discharged five bullets into her head and body… (cont. p94)

LATE NEWS: Man commits suicide by cutting own head off whilst shaving before shooting himself in the heart ten times…

INSTANT JUSTICE… How it works: With your JUSTICE MINISTER JACK STRAW Newsworthyness + public goodwill + celebrity angle = An early release for Jade Goody’s husband(Thus ticking all the New Labour boxes)
What doesn’t then? Friendly Labour peer + large amounts of cash for law amendments + public anger + costly inquiry, er…

CELEBRITIES in one of London's most fashionable locales have come together to reduce their emissions.
Actress EMMA THOMPSON, Strictly Come Dancing Judge Arlene Phillips, actor Sean Bean and comedian Ben Elton have all signed up to make a contribution to a Camden Council campaign.Thompson has offered to travel less by staying at home, thereby starring in less films and TV productions, Phillips pledged to stop appearing on Strictly Come Dancing make judgements on people and will be taping her mouth firmly shut. Meanwhile Sean Bean vowed to have less lines in films and dramas and so use less oxygen, whilst Elton has promised not to make any more musicals that induce sickness, and to be 'less insufferably smug, self-satisfied and pretentiously arrogant,' thereby raising general goodwill around the world.

13 feb 09
PREDICTABLE U.S. NEWS "We will smash the CIA into a 1000 pieces," President Obama tells the media before flying to Dallas for a meeting with local business leaders.

jan 09 graphics







jan 09 stuff







30 jan 09: GOVERNMENT IN TRANSLATION: What they actually mean
ASBESTOS IN SCHOOLS: "It's safer to leave it where it is..."
means: "It's cheaper leave it where it is..."

PM IN DESPERATE APPEAL: 'Women of Britain - buy more shoes' Prime Minister Gordon Brown today urged the UK's entire female population to 'up the amount of shoes they buy a month' from the current average of 2.9 pairs to 4 pairs in order to save the nation's high street shoe chains... (cont. p94)

15 jan 09: Tzipi Livni new statement: "Moon made of cheese"
The Israeli Foreign Minister revealed that if Israel argued long and hard enough that the moon was made of cheese, then people would eventually believe that the moon was indeed cheese-based. She then denied that 'bears shit in the woods' and that the 'Pope is Catholic.'

NEW JOBS BOOST FROM PM: "100,000 new jobs across the country"
What will those new jobs be like?
JOB 1: CONNECTION APPLIANCE OPERATIVE £21,000 p.a. + full benefits SPEC: Role may involve knocking nails into a plank of wood.
JOB 2: APPLIANCE REMOVAL OPERATIVE. £21,500 p.a. + full benefits SPEC: Job could entail pulling nails out of a plank of wood.
JOB 3: BODY AWARENESS ORIENTATION WORKER. £68,000 p.a. + car & full benefits A role already popular in the public sector, this would be ideal for people who need extra training in differentiating between the posterior & limb area of the body.

dec 09 graphics







dec - nov stuff


29 dec 09: INTO 2009, BRITAIN IS BOOMING! Everything is on the UP!
1. Number of British ex-pats returning home from Spain & France = UP ^
2. Troops into Afghanistan = UP ^
3. Career choice gap between graduates and those who leave school at 16 = UP^
4. Flu infections = UP ^
5. Criminals spared jail who reoffend = UP ^
6. Church attendence falls, number of atheists = UP ^
7. Teenage pregnancies = UP ^ (another year on year increase, well done girls!)

So come on Britain! Look on the bright side for once!

STOP PRESS: ISRAEL TO BOMB WEST END
Musicals targeted in further expansion of roadmap to peace policy. Knesset refuses to rule out invasion of Gazza.

16 dec 09: YOUR RAIL QUESTIONS ANSWERED!
Rail Industry chiefs answer your questions
From the thousands who emailed, here are but a small section of the ones we could reply to... Dear Rail Chiefs: I ABHOR THE HUMAN VOICE, CAN WE HAVE MORE AUTOMATED ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN AT A PLATFORM, OR ON THE TRAIN? PREFERABLY EVERY 20 SECONDS AT MIND-NUMBING DECIBELS? Thanks, Mr Iam Mad, Broadmoor HMPA
Rail Chief answers: "Certainly Mr Mad, anything to oblige!"

Hello, i like to steal and rob people on trains - any chance of not letting guards on trains ever again? Would make my job a whole lot easier. peace. D. Sturbed, Bedlam
"Of course, Mr Sturbed, there's no chance of that happening, because that would cost money!"
I THINK THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY TRAIN CARRIAGES THESE DAYS, IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF CUTTING BACK ON TRAIN CARRIAGES? THEN WE COULD ALL SQUASH INTO LESS SPACE?" MR I. DIOT, Gerrard Very Cross
"What a good idea! Mr Diot, we shall certainly look into your suggestion!... SORRY, DUE TO A LACK OF STAFF, THE Q&A SESSION HAS BEEN NOW BEEN CANCELLED. THE RAIL CHIEFS ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

'Glitch' found on West Coast main line found to be a train
'We get these glitches blocking up the network quite a lot these days,' revealed Rail Chiefs, 'but we still find that 89% of these glitches are on time.'

Following on from the Rolling Stones, more rock bands set to have streets named after themThe Prodigy in Braintree, Essex: Firestarter Way, Smack My Bitch Up Avenue, Out of Space Car ParkSex Pistols to be honoured in London as well: Belsen Was A Gas Drive, Never Mind The Bollocks, here's the cul-de-sac, Friggin in the Riggin StreetNo Future Technology Park

21 nov 09: SHOCK TEEN POLL
Half of the nation's children think adults are 'ignorant, reactionary fools who are quick to damn, who have their ill-judged prejudices whipped up by tabloid newspapers.' 40% of children fear increasing adult irrationality will breed more intolerance towards them.

Prince Charles gets character reference from his father in time for his 60th birthday'A blithering namby-pamby wet rag, full of hair-brained hippy nonsense… bloody tree hugger.'
Without prompting, he then gave further unflinching assessments of his other sons, who he affectionately refers to as 'thicko' and 'poofter.'

nov - dec 08 graphics