~ Nick Tolson's rubbish ~ Viz, Private Eye, The Guardian, The Oldie...

Police release E-fit image of man wanted in connection with several recent crimes in Wirral.

2012-01-20T04:42:00.001-08:00

LOCAL DETECTIVES have released an E-fit of a Wirral man they want to speak to in connection with criminal damage, bogus calling, burglary, affray, assault, street robbery, drug dealing, indecent assault, theft, rape and murder

Police were called to addresses in Birkenhead, Wallasey, New Brighton, Rock Ferry, Prenton and Bebington over the weekend after a man was seen involved numerous criminal activities - that has left many victims shaken.

The offender was seen on foot, often in broad daylight or at night, walking quickly down numerous roads - sometimes with a quantity of cash or a number of stolen items under his arm - after committing various crimes across the peninsula before 1pm on Monday, January 18th.

The man - who speaks with a 'local' accent - is said to have a very 'distinctive' look – and police have narrowed down their search with the E-fit.
Detectives describe him as 'a white man, aged about 16 to 45, between 5ft 1” and 6ft 3" tall, with a slim, wiry to stocky or chubby build. He had a pale to ruddy complexion and very short, possibly shaven or balding hair. He was last seen wearing a grey, dark blue or black sweat top (which could have a hood) matched with similarly coloured tracksuit trousers.'

Officers would urge anybody who recognises this man or who has any information about this incident to contact Wirral CID on 0151 *** **** or Crimestoppers anonymously on 0898 999 9999.

CAMERON PROMISES COMPLETE REDISTRIBUTION OF UK WEALTH

2012-01-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

Prime Minister David Cameron shook up the debate over executive pay yesterday when he demanded "clear transparency," and "no gimmicks" or "tokenism" when it came to reforming the financial system.

In a 5 hour speech - given all major television channels - the Coalition leader tested his support in Tory heartlands by promising to completely break up the wealth of the City of London before vowing to 'shatter the FTSE 100 into a thousand pieces.'

Wearing military fatigues and occasionally puffing on a large Cuban cigar, Mr Cameron ranted, banged his fist and occasionally foamed at the mouth whilst blaming the great Satan, the United States of America, for the current economic woes afflicting the world.

And in a move that will no doubt raise eyebrows on the Tory backbenches, the Prime Minister revealed that - with immediate effect - he was freezing all the assets held by the FTSE 100 and appropriation of the capital wealth of those companies on behalf of the people.
With this in mind - and in a move that will probably see him coming into direct conflict with his deputy, Nick Clegg - the PM has ordered the setting up of several revolutionary committees to take command of the situation, with the Ministry for the Recovery of Misappropriated Assets will oversee the redistribution of wealth around the country.

Mr Cameron also ordered the moving of parliament to the new capital of Hull, the immediate closure of all public schools, private hospitals and private health clubs, whilst the City of London will be moved to the new business zone of Liverpool (with the FTSE 100 closing down and re-opening as a collective of small businesses called 'the DEGSY 500') - as well as arranging for The Queen and her entire Royal Family to be banished to the Isle of Wight before the end of this tax year.

LAST MINUTE 'SPUNK-IT-ALL-AWAY' SPENDING SPREE EXPECTED

2011-12-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

LAST MINUTE 'SPUNK-IT-ALL-AWAY' SPENDING SPREE EXPECTED

British shoppers are expected to defy the recession, ignore the world's poor & starving and generally behave like utter cunts on the busiest shopping day of the year - as they rush to grab millions of pounds of useless bargain shite before the January sales start on Christmas Eve.
One consumer told us he will put up his tent and start camping outside Top Shop in Oxford Street on Christmas Eve - missing out the festive fun on the big day - in order to get hold of those much needed goods to make his life feel valid before he kills himself in the New Year.

Last-minute shoppers could spend more than £1million every MINUTE on their credit cards, and will be charged a similar amount in interest in the New Year - before killing their spouses and children and committing suicide.

Visa expects to process more than 33million cubits of credit spunk worth more than £1.5billion of unnecessary clutter and tittle-tattle to the UK throughout the day.

High Street retailers are hoping that their will be a traditional 'final flurry' of credit card spunking on Christmas Eve between noon and 1pm, whilst 24-hour garages are rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of millions of pounds of purchases from drunken Dads sometime later on the evening.

Heavy discounting on highly impractical rubbish drove spending up over the past weeks, especially on felt cowboy hats, Polish chocolate from Aldi and the perennial gift favourite for someone you have no idea what they like because you are not remotely interested in them: the Little Book of Christmas Shite.

SUPERFICIAL, NARCISSISTIC 'I'M A CELEB' VIEWERS IN MASS SUICIDE PACT

2011-11-26T11:42:00.001-08:00

SUPERFICIAL, NARCISSISTIC 'I'M A CELEB' VIEWERS IN MASS SUICIDE PACT

Over 8 million viewers of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here have vowed to commit suicide before Christmas after the realisation dawned on them that they were entirely superficial, trivial and unnecessary - following their kicking out of Hart To Hart actress Stephanie Powers from the top rated ITV show.

The 69-year-old went 'au naturel' in the jungle, wearing no make-up and refusing to straighten her hair, and duly polled the fewest public votes from the entirely hollow and one-dimensional audience.

Following last night's show, a Facebook page was immediately set up by Swiss suicide firm, Dignitas. Calling itself, 'Did you not vote for Stephanie 'cos all you can see is an old boot, meaning you are now only interested in image - so why not kill yourself?, the page was set up to organise the humane self-ending of a sizeable amount of the British public who are now only have the brains and time for celebrity tittle-tattle.

In a win-win-win situation, Ms Powers was said to be delighted at leaving the show to get on with her life, and the government was said to be happy that jobless figures will now 'reduce substantially.'

It is hoped that the I'm A Celeb audience will be soon joined in a death pact by X-Factor viewers, but not Strictly because that's watched by nice middle-class people.

CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? ... JAPANESE FLEE AS LENNY HENRY & COMIC RELIEF TEAM ARRIVE TO FILM GLOOMY FUNDRAISER

2011-03-20T08:08:00.001-07:00

CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? ... JAPANESE FLEE AS LENNY HENRY & COMIC RELIEF TEAM ARRIVE TO FILM GLOOMY FUNDRAISER

First came the earthquake, then there was a devastating tsunami, followed by nuclear meltdowns and the possibility of radioactive discharge. Then rescuers and survivors alike shivered as the snows came, whilst authorities struggle to contain over-heating reactors.

Many have said it is like a bad Hollywood movie, but the usually resilient Japanese are now fleeing Tokyo and other major cities in mass panic, after learning that a Lenny Henry fronted Comic Relief team had arrived at Narita Airport, and were said to be 'desperate' to film some tragic scenes and save his career, which hasn't been remotely funny since he rhymed Thriller with Aston Villa in 1984. Henry and his cohorts have also threatened to provide live transmissions of some Richard Curtis inspired 'fun' on Friday evening.

Despite a rare TV appearance by Emperor Akihito, who told his people not to give up in the face of this latest Comic Relief onslaught and urged Henry to stick to making unfunny adverts for low quality travel inns, many foreign observers feel that the Japanese may suffer a collective nervous breakdown if they are forced to 'endure the unendurable' and watch hundreds of tawdry celebrities pretending to care about African children with AIDS whilst 'doing something funny for money.'

One local resident, currently living under tarpaulin in a snow-covered, rubble-strewn wasteland said: "We could bear the death, the destruction, the threat of nuclear meltdown - and the freezing cold. Through all that we have tried to remain positive, but I think the news that an insufferable comedian attempting to keep his unfunny career going by filming a searing piece featuring a child crying amongst the devastation - even if they don't have flies around their mouth - will finish me off."

MOYLES SMASHES RECORD 'TO BECOME WORLD'S BIGGEST CUNT'

2011-03-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

MOYLES SMASHES RECORD 'TO BECOME WORLD'S BIGGEST CUNT'

Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles was said to be overjoyed this morning, after finally smashing the record for the length of time that someone can be a cunt without losing consciousness.

The roly-poly presenter maintained a top level of cuntishness for an astonishing 50 hours for Comic Relief, which breaks the previous record set by Josef Stalin during one of his final purges in 1952.

"It's something I've been trying to do for a long time, normally people who attempt this are killed long before the 50-hour mark,” revealed the cunt, “So to have the safety of the radio studio was a very good idea.”

Listeners who endured Moyles' show confirmed that the Leeds-born homophobe did indeed act like a total cunt for the whole time, citing that he spent the 50 hours laughing at his own jokes, feigning interest in his own drivel, abusing his sidekicks, mocking the weak and vulnerable, and using his money and influence to procure sex from women who would normally throw up at the very thought of it.

Even his minimal 'three per hour' allowance for the occasional piece of music to be played gave no respite to the insufferability of the man, as Moyles picked songs that were guaranteed to grate from the Radio 1 A-list playlist, which admittedly could have been anything.

Those who have tried for the record before have traditionally been dictators or monarchs with the power of life and death over their subjects, such as Colonel Gadaffi and Alastair Campbell, and has never been attempted by a celebrity before, apart from Russell Brand - who recently made it to 18 hours before being giving in to death threats.

With this in mind, as he neared the 50-hour mark, Moyles locked the studio door as his own production team made throat-slitting gestures to him through the soundproofed window, such was the level of his cunting cuntishness. As the record was achieved the DJ removed his mic and turned off the on-air sign to placate his team. However, they still gave him a good kicking and he remains in hospital as we went to press.

CAPTION: Moylesy with some minion he regularly abuses live on air

HOLLYWOOD MOGULS FLY IN TO JAPAN

2011-03-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD MOGULS FLY IN TO JAPAN TO COMPLETE
POST-PRODUCTION ON 'BEST CALAMITY MOVIE EVER'

Hollywood directors Roland Emmerich, Wolfgang Peterson and the exhumed, reanimated corpse of Jerry Bruckheimer are all on board a helicopter currently circling the disaster zone in Japan, finalising camera shots for what they expect the be the 'best calamity movie ever.'

Every single A-list Hollywood actor available, and Charlie Sheen, are lined up to play the major roles in the new movie, called 'Japan's Dawn of Death,' which is slated in for a big summer release that will undoubtedly take the special effects award at next year's Oscars.

Sheen is to play the President of the United States of America, who's estranged daughter happens to be trapped in a school next to the nuclear plant at Fukuova that has been breached by the tsunami and several terrorists led by Alan Rickman.

As the United Nations dithers, Sheen hijacks Air Force One and directs it to Japan, and after bombing Tripoli on the way and freeing the Libyans - where in spite of their protestations that he should stay as their new leader, he delivers the killer Oscar-winning line: 'You gotta find you're own freedom, now I gotta find my own daughter' - he then lands at the school, kills the terrorists in increasingly violent ways, finds his daughter (and her cute dog, Scraps), and just takes off in time before Godzilla smashes the nuclear power station to bits, setting off a chain reaction that totally vaporises the whole of Japan.

Cameos will include Tom Cruise as David Cameron, Heidi Klum as Angela Merkel, Jackie Chan as Ban Ki Moon, Arnold Schwarzenegger as David Beckham, and Meryl Streep as Colonel Gadaffi.

During the final stages of today's filming, Emmerich was especially animated, obsessively gawping through his viewfinder as the helicopter swooped low over Tokyo - taking in the incredible disastrous view. Several people waved at them from the tops of houses and skyscrapers.
"Look Jerry, they're waving at us! Cool! I tell ya, this is gonna be bigger than 9/11. I mean, look at this footage - no blue screens are needed. And think of the nuclear angle, Jerry ...remember the China Syndrome, Jerry? ...Jerry?"
"Fuck you, Ro," growled Jerry in his gruff reanimated voice, as he wanked himself with one hand and took huge snort with the other, "Now get me back to the fucken Hyatt for some pussy."

No words can express...

2010-11-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

lustful street story

2010-09-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

7th June 2010

2010-06-10T05:21:00.000-07:00

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD
Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement.
The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout)

CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’
David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood.

Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full:
1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners
2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics
3) We can't shoot foxes
4) Er,
5) That's it

OUT OF RESPECT, ALL REFERENCES TO GUNS ARE BANNED FROM THIS ISSUE

--
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
Woman splits from man she was going to marry.
Another woman may or may not be pregnant.
A teenage singer attempts to break into adult market with the usual 'raunchy outfits followed by half-hearted pole dance followed by simulated lesbian kiss with dancer' marketing tricks.

24th May 2010

2010-06-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’
The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’
Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’

TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects
Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years.

New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash
The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, when we bloody want to’ rule will allow airlines to fly in the zone for a limited time. The authority's move was welcomed by airlines, regulators and manufacturers.

ENGLAND STARS IN TRAINING FOR WORLD CUP
The England football team arrived at their new training camp in Austria to try and recreate as near as is physically possible conditions as that they will experience in South Africa in just over a month’s time.
It’s believed that nothing has been left to chance to get the squad up to speed, and alongside the games machines and pool tables, several dozen perma-tanned, nubile, high class hookers have been flown in, special dedicated phone sex lines have been connected – and William Hill has opened a branch next door to the ground.
It has not yet been decided which high up member of the FA will be caught in a sex scandal.

MPs TO HAVE PAY CUT*
*excludes directorships for marketing groups, tobacco firms or landmine manufacturers

12 May 2010

2010-06-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

end of April 10

2010-06-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

PM Stats for dummies

2010-04-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

election round-up

2010-04-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

Mandy's Hypno Vote on The Independent

2010-04-14T04:50:00.000-07:00

http://indyeagleeye.livejournal.com/212887.html

A deeply surreal piece of election frippery for you this afternoon: the Peter Mandelson hypno-vote.

I think it's best to take this one at simple face-value. I've been listening to it on repeat for the last ten minutes. It's eerily soothing.

Mandy's Hypno Vote

2010-04-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

I'm now sponsored by renault clio's, great...
Mandy's hypno vote is at the end of Telegraph's two-minute election tvcast here till 5pm today:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/uk-politics-video/7583062/Two-Minute-Election-Labour-launches-manifesto.html

or forevermore here:
http://www.lionel-adams.co.uk/projects/mandy-hypno-vote/

16 mar 10

2010-03-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

NAÏVE STORY ABOUT 3DTV NEGLECTS TO MENTION OBVIOUS LUCRATIVE PORN ANGLE
Do not see inside for more >>
No comment on p9

DAILY MAIL
REVEALED: The 492 native species driven to extinction UNDER LABOUR.
Brown’s government dallies as brown bears, lynxs, and wolves die out..
(cont. on pZZZzzzz)

THATCHER FLEES UK AS CLEGG PROCLAIMS 'ADMIRATION'

Post Office to forward all junk mail to the Direct Marketing Association
(address helpfully printed below)
The Direct Marketing Association
DMA House
70 Margaret Street
London W1W 8SS

1 mar 10

2010-03-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

STAFFORD HOSPITAL 'PRAISED FOR PIONEERING UNASSISTED SUICIDES'
Managers at the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust have been praised and ‘remunerated accordingly’ for their pioneering work in unassisted suicide techniques over the past few years.

In a patient care routine known as “ignoring and humiliating,” managers ensured that costs were cut and all government targets were met, whilst patient waiting lists were kept low through increasing death rates. Nursing techniques included not washing patients for weeks, not providing them with food or drink and not assisting them to the lavatory.
Other practices involved getting relatives to wash soiled sheets at home, ignoring infections and falls, and dead bodies on the wards.

TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES SET TO FALL
The government announced the good news today that teenage pregnancies in the UK are predicted to drop when England football squad departs for World Cup in June. (cont. p.ZZZzzzz)

INQUIRY LAUNCHED INTO BABY P DOCTOR ILLNESS
An inquiry has been launched into why no-one noticed that the doctor who last saw Baby P alive was seriously ill. The report will look into how the media failed to spot that Dr Sabah Al-Zayat has suddenly become unfit to appear before a public hearing.
How could we miss the signs? There was no full story and pix deal brokered with The Sun, Max Clifford was not involved… (cont. p94)

15 feb 10

2010-03-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

COUNCIL NEWS
Birmingham City Council has revealed it will have to make savings of up to £69m by April 2011.
Council executives have said this target will be achieved by offering a voluntary redundancy package to one chief executive refuse operator - who earns around that amount annually when overtime, backdated pay and standby allowances were taken into consideration.

NEW CHILDREN’S TV SCHEDULE FOLLOWING LIFTING OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT BAN
Thomas the First Capital Connect Tank Engine & Friends
The RBS Clangers
In The B&Q Night Garden
Peppa Pig brought to you by Walls
The Teletubbies (already sponsored by Teletubbies Inc. of Pyongyang)

DAILY MAIL: WILL JOHN TERRY CAUSE RISING HOUSE PRICES?

‘I’ll die just like Diana,’ fears Katie Price
Newlywed Katie Price has revealed that she fears she could die in a Diana-style car crash (cont. p94)

WHAT DO YOU THINK? How do YOU should Katie Price die?
Ring or text now:
0898 500 600 1 – Garrotted in bizarre scarf meets kitchen blender accident on Celebrity Masterchef
0898 500 600 2 – Thrown off the Burj Tower in Dubai
0898 500 600 3 – Hung, drawn and quartered before National Lottery Live
0898 500 600 4 – Sent to Helmand Province without the right combat kit
0898 500 600 5 – Er, that’s
0898 500 600 6 – quite
0898 500 600 7 – enough, Ed.

Calls cost and terminate in publicity

Technology News: NEW iPHONE APP TRACKS YOUR MP
The ‘troughAPP’ will make a snorting noise to alert voters as their MP visits an expensive restaurant or hotel which they're enjoying at voter's expense.
The application has already had 57,000,000 downloads and can also be used for BBC executives and heads of quangos and government inquiries.

BERLUSCONI INTERESTED IN NEW TEAM
“It’s Lecce for me”

REPENTANT WOODS APOLOGISES TO REMAINING SPONSORS
Apology list in order of cash value*:
EA Sports ($12,000,000)
Nike Golf ($32,000,000)
TAG Heuer ($14,000,000)

Tiger also begged forgiveness from the following sponsors that have dropped Tiger from advertisements and ended endorsement contracts:
Accenture ($20,000,000)
AT&T ($17,000,000)
Gatorade ($8,000,000)
Gillette ($22,000,000)

*Figures entirely notional at time of going press.

1 feb 10

2010-03-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

BRITAIN NOW A 'CRUCIBLE OF ERROR'
Error threat level raised to 'probable' following report into Doncaster Social Services...

14 Jan P.Eye rejects

2010-01-23T02:47:00.001-08:00

Federation of Small Businesses asks for school half term to be cancelled
Small businesses hit hard by the VAT increase and recession are backing an
internet campaign to cancel half-term holiday for schools, as another break for children
could ‘finish off’ many shops that won’t be able to cope with the increase in petty thefts.

CALL FOR CONTROLS IN DOG BREEDERS
Report says dog owners should stop inbreeding as this is what causes them to resemble their pets.

The Daily Telegraph
TORY DONOR LIST REVEALS 'A DIVERSE AND FORWARD LOOKING PARTY THAT REFLECTS MODERN BRITAIN'
Conservative Central Office have finally revealed full details about their large benefactors to party funds, they include:
Sir Zac Goldsmith, a frequent visitor to West London, who lives in Monte Carlo - who generously provided £40 billion of his own trustfund.
Baron Ruprecht von Goering of Baden Baden, Bosch Armaments - who graciously donated £48
billion earned from landmine sales.
Mr Phillip Morris of 57 Fagash Avenue, Forest Estate, Smokestown, Isle of Man - £150 billion
from tobacco sales
Count V. Dracula of Transylvania, who made a career in dentistry, resides in a coffin in Castle Vlad - £159 billion
Lord Ashcroft of Belize, who probably also resides in a coffin and sucks the life out of
people - £99,999.

Xmas 09 / New Year 10

2010-01-23T02:41:00.001-08:00

Xmas 09:
BANKERS 'TO BE PHASED OUT BY 2018'
Despite being around since the 18th century, trust levels in bankers has dropped dramatically over the past few years...
Some people still like to use them, but there numbers have declined so rapidly that they
could now be phased out.

--
New Year 10

DAILY MAIL
Will a lack of gritters cause house prices to fall?
Extreme UK weather ‘worse than climate change’ Schools closed, trains and flights cancelled

MORE DAILY MAIL
What will happen when the world gets warmer?
Four possible scenarios:
+1c = The increase in house prices starts to slow
+2c = House prices begin to stagnate
+3c = House prices begin to fall
+4c = House prices fall catastrophically

UK TRAVEL: Normal service resumes*
* Normal service = delays, cancellations, unheated transport, absent staff, no information…

CHURCH NEWS
In his annual barmy address to get into the newspapers, an Anglican Vicar says the poor and
vulnerable should not sell drugs or become prostitutes, but as a last resort should steal from large, wealthy organisations, such as the Catholic Church, or the Methodists.

Vicar says people have forgotten the teachings of Cowell during the festive period
A Church of England priest has blasted British society for forgetting the moral code laid
down each and every year since he could remember- where a bland X-factor song would storm to the top of the charts without fear of any competition.
Citing the recent number one chart battle that ended in Cowell's charge losing to Rage Against The Machine... (cont. on p.zzzzz)

Prince William's secret outdoor sleep with the homeless is just the latest in a long line of incognito royal attempts at meeting the general public. Others include:
Prince Andrew is believed to have dropped £5 notes out of his helicopter over Peckham on
Christmas Eve in 1996, relaying 'There you go, povvos' from his tannoy to astonished crowds
below.
Prince Edward donning a disguise and performing some 'street theatre' to astonished shoppers
on London's Oxford St in Christmas 1988, before being arrested.
Prince Philip providing an impromptu free talk on 'deportment and diplomacy skills' to
astonished East Hackney Junior School Year 3 in March 1957.
Er, that's
it.

BBC WINS CHRISTMAS RATINGS WAR 'BY OFFERING VARIETY'
That top 5 list in full:
1. EASTENDERS (Christmas Day) BBC 10.9m (featured David Tennant as a guest - arriving as the new Albert Square Doctor, only to be murdered in the Queen Vic.)
2. THE ROYLE FAMILY (Christmas Day) BBC 10.4m (featured David Tennant & Catherine Tate as special guest stars)
3. DOCTOR WHO (Christmas Day) BBC 10.2m (featured Catherine Tate as a special guest star)
4. THE CATHERINE TATE SHOW (Christmas Day) BBC 9.2m (featured David Tennant as a special guest star)
5. THE TOP 100 SHOWS STARRING CATHERINE TATE AND/OR DAVID TENNANT (Christmas Day) CHANNEL 4 0.003m

New mag out now: The Art of Sneezing

2010-01-23T02:39:00.000-08:00

click pic for hi-res

7 Dec 09 stuff

2009-12-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Jesus 'may have had non-dom status'
A new film suggests that Jesus may have visited Britain for less than 90 days in one year. The documentary, 'And Did They Cheat?', explores whether the Messiah performed several miracles whilst staying in Britain, such as not paying tax on any earnings, visiting several large, empty homes and turning huge debts into massive bonuses.

FINAL AGREEMENT REACHED ON THAT CRUCIAL COPENHAGEN CLIMATE CHANGE MEETING MENU:
Main course - Humble Pie
and... er,
that's,
it.

THE DAILY MAIL
We don't understand the local language...
Yet, we've built bridges...
We've bolstered the infrastructure...
We've tried to help where we can, but...
ISN'T TIME THE ARMY PULLED OUT OF CUMBRIA?

Is the sanctity of Marketing being ruined by christmas?
asks the Very Reverand Simon Cowell

BNP LEADER SAYS IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP GIBRALTAR*
*To Germany

NEW RUSSIAN 'POSITIVE HISTORY' SCHOOL CURRICULUM 2010
1. HISTORY - World War II 1931-1945 - How the German Fascists raided Mother Russia in the early thirties and murdered millions
2. TOURISM & MARKETING - The Conquest of Siberia by our brave patriots
3. MATHS - The dirty trick of US, GB and France to cut Europe in half
4. COMPUTING - Learn to use Photoshop with Uncle Joe

MAFIA OFFERS HOLIDAYMAKERS A WAY OF VISITING SICILY WITHOUT FEAR OF FUNDING ITALIAN GOVERNMENT
Cosa Nostra travel will provide complete holiday packages - including travel, hotels and restaurants 'entirely free from the stench of Berlusconi's corrupt government.'
'People want holidays that don't subsidise organised government,' revealed one mobster.

Cliff in Xmas single crisis

2009-11-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

Click to read the text (if you can be arsed)

23 nov 09 stuff

2009-11-30T11:46:00.000-08:00

THAT 'I'M A CELEBRITY, get me out of here...' LIST IN FULL:
In order of importance
Jordan - Britain's top glamour girl

Katie Price - Britain's other top glamour girl

Samantha Fox - Britain's top ex-glamour girl

Jordan Fox - Britain's top amalgamated current & former glamour girl

Some bloke who used to be someone's brother in EastEnders

Someone who once waved at Cliff Richard's grandmother

A woman

A man

Another man

Someone who never met, but once lived next to the Uncle of the bass player in The Archies

The presenters of 'How Not To Decorate'

'BRING BACK NATIONAL SERVICE FOR THE YOUNG'

say everyone too old to be conscripted themselves

BBC Head of Non-Entertainment complains that the image of Casualty and Holby City is being ruined by the 'hum-drum, everyday nature of the NHS''In a real hospital, you need a cliffhanger every 23 minutes, and this simply doesn't happen' says chief (cont. on pZZZzzzz)

CHARLES DEFENDS 'TRADITIONAL SUBJECTS IN SCHOOLS'

Prince of Wales 'a passionate believer in continuing teaching subjects in the usual Etruscan for under two pre-prep boarders...'

Nov 9th '09 stuff

2009-11-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

DAILY MAIL: Will Afghan War cause house prices to fall? (moron p9)

Other news: Afghan police 'full of corrupt idiots who fire indiscrimately'Ideal candidates for vacancies in The Metropolitan Police's firearms unit... (p9)

Twitter to monitor popular tweet subjects
The online social networking site is to appoint a regulator called 'The Twittfinder General,' who will check the most popular subjects commented on by the Twitterati, and organise instant mobs into a 'workable collective that can perform direct physical actions.' The Twittfinder General has extensive powers in his grasp, such as 'boring at the stake' and 'drowning in a stream (of invective).'
He has already issued the following edict: "That anyone hereby known caught making national treasure Stephen Fry more depressed than he already is, will be hung, drawn and quartered and there heads displayed outside the X-Factor house until their flesh be picked clean by the birds. The same applies to Cheryl Cole."

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: Griffin to take over from Moyles at Radio 1
BNP leader Nick Griffin has said he will break from the past and tone down what he termed 'the racist, homophobic bully boy laddishness' that Radio One Breakfast Show has come to represent over the past few years (cunt. p9)

Justice to focus on victims shock
Criminals stunned as review says it is they who should be prosecuted (cont. p94)

26 Oct 09 stuff

2009-10-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

THE SUN COMMENT - WHERE IS THE QUEEN?
Tragic Boyzone star Stephen Gately has been dead for over a week now, and still the Queen has made no statement. The flag at Buckingham Palace has not been lowered. The gates are not adorned with flowers.Despite the outpouring of grief from the general public, our monarch has remained steadfastly quiet. Perhaps she thinks the death of a major talent and celebrity is too small a matter for her to comment on, or maybe she was a Westlife fan? Without her say so, we may never know.
Respectfully Ma'am - pull your finger out.

QUEEN TO STAR IN PANTO
The Queen has amazed theatreland by discreetly agreeing to star in Jack and The Beanstalk at the Scunthorpe Empire's Christmas run. Theatregoers will be amazed as The Queen - without any fuss - dons the traditional headscarf and greasepaint and takes to the stage in December... (cont. pZZZzzzz)

12 oct stuff

2009-10-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

OSBORNE: "We're all in this together - Eton AND Harrow"

Entertainment Newzzzzzz: 'AWFUL FILM' TO BE GIVEN AWAY'

An experimental film called 'The Rage' starring Jude Law is to be the first movie to be made available as a free download to mobile phones. The director of the universally panned film said that we should embrace the internet and not be afraid of free downloads, especially if no cinema
is willing to show it, and no sane person would pay money to see it.
Goto http://www.shitenewfilm.com/ to see it for free.

The Gruaniad TV CHOICE TONIGHT:
ARSEWIPE with Charlie Brooker.In a one-off special, the sarcastic iconoclast self-knowingly sarcastically reviews toilet paper from down the years.

TOURISTS SPEAK OF EARTHQUAKE HORROR
Ambience of Samoan holiday idyll ruined as bodies wash up on beach, say westerners.

WOMEN CAN BE PAEDOPHILES TOO SHOCK

Mummy bear 'denies involvement in disappearence of Goldilocks.'
Pope 'not head of organisation that moves certain priests around.'

HARINGEY COUNCIL: Outrageous new claims
Titanic 'still on course for timely disembarkation'
JFK visit to Dallas 'a resounding success'
North Korea 'ideal system of government'Honour killings 'promote multicultural society'
War in Afghanistan 'definitely winnable'

Exclusive: THAT 'FIT AND PROPER PREMIERSHIP OWNER LIST IN FULL:

sep 28th stuff

2009-10-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

NEW £50 BRIXTON NOTE
accepted by up to 70 local drug dealers

The Daily Telegraph: ‘SPANISH PRACTICES’ AT ROYAL MAIL REVEALED
Royal Mail management has exposed the full extent of the dodgy working practices’ that have been employed by postal workers for decades and are now the reason for the strikes that have brought chaos to the mail system.
Those Royal Mail ‘Spanish practices’ in full:
Wearing sombreros,
Smelling of onions,
Riding donkeys,
Falling asleep drunk under a tree in the afternoon,
Being an air traffic controller and going on strike.

Letter of the day
Sir, Regarding the current postal strike, why don’t we bring in the army to run the whole show?The Green Goddesses are waiting in the wings, and any postman not doing his duty can be shot on...(letter curtailed for reasons of space)

Evidence suggests ‘second wave’ of postal strikes already under way
Symptoms are known to include gross irritation and having your utilities cut off (cont. p2-94)

BERLUSCONI CALLS FOR WITHDRAWAL*
*From Afghanistan

Church must lose S&M image to swell members
A man dressed entirely in black who represents the Church of England has described himself ‘frustrated’ and has said that the church needs to shed its ‘suited and booted’ image in order to attract followers of other fetishes. 'Wouldn't Jesus be in the queue at Ann Summers?, said the bishop to the (cont. p9)

GREAT BIKE PARTY IN LONDON
Last week, over 50,000 cyclists reclaimed the pavements of the capital as part of the climax of a summer of cycling initiatives. London mayor Boris Johnson applauded the event, which included several bike-themed competitions such as ‘riding drunk with no lights,’ ‘riding with too much lycra’ as well as the ever-popular ‘screaming at pedestrians who have the temerity to cross in front of you at a zebra crossing,’ and ‘riding through a red light one-handed whilst you shuffle your i-Pod with your child on the handlebars.’

‘WE WILL INVADE POLAND’
Liberal Democrat leader in desperate attempt to gain publicity at party conference. Other plans mooted by Nick Who? include landing on Mars ‘by the end of the decade – not this one, the next one.’

On other pages: Further savage cuts to Lib Dem leader’s image promised (pgZZzzzz)
Is anyone reading this? Hello?? ...No

14 sep 09 stuff

2009-10-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Families of Russians killed by American-made Stinger missiles to sue U.S. Government

The families of Russian soldiers who died in Afghanistan in the 1980's at the hands of the CIA-backed Mujahadeen are to sue the American government. The families are requesting compensation from the U.S. for supplying the Stinger missiles that killed their sons.

Other Pentagon news: CIA to employ two Doncaster torture brothers "We aim to learn all their juvenile torture techniques," said a CIA spokesman, "As a treat we may even teach them all about waterboarding," before revealing that the 'Feral Two' will be flown in an unmarked jet to 'a secret camp in a friendly despotic country.'
Other News: Pot calls kettle 'black'

MOYLES BREAKS RECORD FOR CONTINUOUS DRIVEL ON RADIO

Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles today celebrated his breaking of the long held 'drivel' record at Radio 1, beating the previous incumbent Tony Blackburn - who had held the record for 36 years.Mr Blackburn, 86, spouted claptrap to ensure that no listener actually learned anything of value from 1967 to 1972, before handing over to Noel Edmonds. He said that he was a big admirer of Moyles, although was quick to point out that during the seventies he annoyed up to 18 million people who had nothing else to listen to, whereas the present Breakfast Show presenter can only talk utter shite to about 7 million pissed listeners.

THOSE TOP DRIVELLERS IN FULL:

Chris Moyles - 2,074 days and counting

Tony Blackburn - 2073

Noel Edmonds - 1009

Jimmy Saville - 106

Jimmy Young - 103

Gary Gliiter - 94 er....,

JACKO CAREER 'DEAD A DECADE BEFORE AMBULANCE CALL'
Michael Jackson's career death was kept a secret for at least a decade before his fatal heart attack in July, it was claimed yesterday. In a desperate move to fool fans... (cont. pZZZZZZ)

NHS IN CLASSIC CASE OF UNDERSTATEMENT

A man who's brain was partially eaten by a cannibal killer 'was failed by NHS Mental Health Trust,' says a report. The NHS offered an unreserved apology to the now-dead victim. Something along the lines of 'understandably our standards fell way short in allowing a killer to be released and then go on to kill again and eat the brain of his flatmate. Possibly this is not what the victim wanted. The care in the community system may have failed this time. Mistakes were made. But rest assured we will learn from this. Will this do?'

Hammond admits crash injury has restricted him

Top Gear's Richard Hammond says he is still recovering from the effects of a high-speed crash which took place while filming for the show three years ago. He has revealed that injuries to the brain has restricted him to presenting low-brow, unchallenging tat like Top Gear, Richard Hammond's Blast Lab and Total Wipeout. He said, "any damage" could "take years to get over," although he didn't specify whether he was talking about damage to himself or viewers.

1st Sep 09 stuff

2009-10-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

BIGGS ARRIVES IN TRIPOLI

MANDELSON REASSURES PUBLIC HE IS STILL IN CONTROL
Lord Mandelson has assured the UK population that he is still running the country, despite having surgery to remove an enlarged prostate gland. The surgery - which was successful - was performed by the Business Secretary himself, following a local anaesthetic, also applied by Lord Mandelson. The First Secretary of State explained, “Even though I was having surgery, I want to reassure the British public that I was in touch with Downing Street at all times. Although I did feel some very slight discomfort whilst stitching, I was still able to conduct official matters of state with my left hand, by means of a Blackberry.”
It is believed that the Business Secretary communicated several policy decisions whilst on the operating table, and after remaining overnight in hospital he discharged himself, but not before he helped to deliver several babies and perform minor brain surgery.

NOTICE: Official USA boycott of Scotch goods.
From now on, famous Scotchland goods will be replaced by real American products.“Scotch Whiskey” is to renamed “Texan Bourbon”
“Haggis, Neeps and Tatties” = “Trump’s Stomach, Liberty Cabbage and Freedom Fries” “Cullen Skink” = “Mom’s Apple Pie” “Cock-a-Leekie” = “Cheese strings and grits”
Now go to the website: http://www.boycottscotchland.com/

OXFAM PRESS RELEASE... Announcing the most eagerly anticipated charity offload since the 'The Da Vinci Code.'Six years in the writing, 'The Lost Symbol' is Dan Brown's extraordinary sequel to his internationally best selling charity books, Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code.The reading of the ‘The Lost Symbol’ will take place over a 12-hour period, before being donated to Oxfam. From the first page, readers will be intrigued and will feel the thrill of discovery that they will soon once again be dropping off another of Dan Brown’s weighty tomes in a bin bag with other unwanted goods and bric-a-brac.

AFGHAN ELECTION ‘NO MORE CORRUPT THAN A U.S. ONE'

TOXIC SHIP RETURNS TO UK WATERS
A ship containing over 1,400 tonnes of rubbish, including some speeches and slide shows by the former Liberal leader Lord Steel, arrived back in Britain yesterday, after a storm of protest...(cont. p94)

17 Aug 09

2009-08-21T04:53:00.000-07:00

IT'S THE NEW FITNESS CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!

Free-running, or to use the original French term 'leggineet de les gendarmes,' is all about getting you from A to B no matter what obstacles are in your path - such as walls, cars, the person you just stole that bag from, or the police - and it's guaranteed to get you fit!

3 Aug 09

2009-08-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

MALLOCH-BROWN: 'Moon IS made of cheese'
Foreign Office Minister, Lord Malloch-Brown has revealed that the Moon is indeed made of cheese, which contradicts his statement last week, when commenting on the Moon landings, he said that 'anyone who thinks the moon is made of cheese is clearly off their rocker.'
However, after consulting with top members of the government and top advisors, the Minister has now revised his initial statement, and now says that the lunar surface is definitely made up of cheese material. Lord Malloch-Brown then went on to point out that Bears do not use the woods to defecate, and that the Pope was definitely not Catholic.

FOOTBALLER TO SUE MAN WHO 'REPEATEDLY HEADBUTTED HIS FISTS'
Footballer Steven Gerrard is to sue the man who he defended himself against in a bar brawl.
Blurry ccTV footage clearly showed the Liverpool & England star protecting himself with his fists as a DJ repeatedly headbutted them, suffering facial cuts and a lost tooth in the process. The man, who is now under round-the-clock police protection in case he decides to attack more wealthy footballers, has been threatened by football fans and other well-wishers. The star revealed his shock about the attack, saying, "What if I was a goalkeeper? He could have seriously damaged my livelihood with his dangerously jerky head movements against my hands."

OTHER NEWS: Amy Winehouse to prosecute woman who smashed her face into the singer's hand at a charity function.

DAILY EXPRESS: FLU HOTLINE MANNED BY GYPSY IMMIGRANT JUNKIE ALCOHOLIC TERRORIST MAD MURDER COWS
The swine flu hotline is being manned by people with no medical background, says madman. (cont p93)

Ordinary families 'are shut out of top jobs' shock
Bears 'refuse to use toilets outside in backyard'
Vatican 'not part of council estate'

RECESSION LATEST
Significant drop in knife sales in certain sectors is shored up by consistent rise in the crucual 12-19 year old male purchaser market. "It's an exciting growth market" say retailers.

MET OFFICE DOWNGRADES SUMMER FORECAST
Previous 'barbeque summer' forecast lowered to 'indoor barbeque summer.'
EXTREME HUMORISTS THREATEN SACHA BARON COHEN
All-Satyrist Brigade will respond if he makes another over-the-top one joke movie...

HOLIDAYwatch: Keep tabs on where have our lazy leaders gone this summer...
ELLIOT MORLEY smugly sunning himself, lazing in a deckchair with a drink in hand,
in his back garden.
GEORGE OSBORNE on a yacht in the Med.
OSAMA BIN LADEN walking in the Lake District.
GARY GLITTER at Butlins Holiday Camp, Skegness.
Have you seen someone on holiday where they shouldn't be? Contact GNOME HolidayWATCH now

20th July 09

2009-08-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

FINANCE NEWS: HUGE INTEREST IN CITY FOLLOWING CHILD'S REPORT
"One of the clearest, most thought-provoking insights we've ever seen."
Bankers have been astonished by a boy's essay on working practices in the financial sector, with a report that has generated five or six times more responses than usual research does. "It's something we've never seen before, literally dozens of fund managers, and several CEOs have been e-mailing and calling all day," revealed one city analyst. The report, by a 3 year old, reveals the folly of high risk investments with money you haven't got in the first place, and then awarding yourself for this idiocy with six figure bonuses and vast pensions.

OTHER CITY NEWS: Foetus to decide on investments for futures traders
"1 kick for Yes, 2 for No" plan mooted.

TODAY'S PITILESS, UNCARING CITY LUNCH DISH:
Bluefin Tuna and veal escalope on a bed of foie gras (ONLY ?399,99 from the fixed price menu)

ME & MY SPOON with Boris Johnson
Where did you set your spoon from?
"This silver one? I was born with it in my mouth."

How much did your spoon cost?
"Oh cripes! Erm, about ?250,000?"

Don't you think that's a bit excessive for a spoon when most people can only afford a cheap plastic one?
"Well, well (unwritable blustering noise) erm, cripes, well mine has many uses, er, for, for, for instance, I, I, I, (looks at watch), I use it for feeding my chickens in my eco-coop back in Henley."

KISSINGER IN LINE FOR SECOND NOBEL PRIZE?
Unprecedented second peace prize could be awarded to the original exponent of a defence strategy based on the covert bombing of a country next door to the one where you are actually waging your war.

5th July 09

2009-08-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM NHS DIE-RECT:
HOW TO COPE IN THE HEAT generated by the media following Michael Jackson's death
1. STAY AWAY FROM HOT AIR of commentators and various 'I knew him so well' rentaquotes who have cash-in books coming out - AS THIS WILL MAKE YOU SICK.
2. Try to avoid THE SUN as much as possible.
3. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
4. DON'T take a dangerous cocktail of strong prescriptive drugs,
5. Er, that's
6. It...

ALL THE HOTTEST NEWS FROM HOLLYWOOD...
with Randy J. Bullshitorelli...
"I can exclusively reveal through my sources inside the Jackson camp that Michael Jackson is STILL DEAD and is to remain so for the foreseeable future - which will make it VERY UNLIKELY that he will fulfill his commitment to perform in his upcoming 50 concerts this July in London, England... ...I can also exclusively reveal that Michael may have died from A NOSEBLEED - doctors frantically searched his $100 billion L.A. mansion for his nose - but it could not be found in time to stem the flow..."

Other News:
BROWN TAKES TIME OUT FROM RUINING THE COUNTRY TO OFFER SYMPATHY TO JACKSON FAMILY

Jackson doctor to release tribute song: "Heal the world make it a better place - with a rather dangerous cocktail of strong prescription drugs..."

(c) All Newspapers: "Now let's leave the family alone to grieve privately"
(full story, commentary and pics on pages 1-45)

URI GELLER: Why didn't I see this coming?

DI'LY EXPRESS
M. AL-FAYED ASKS: Why has no-one mentioned yet that Prince Phillip could have been seen speeding from Jackson's mansion in a white fiat uno? Is it because of a top-level conspiracy?

GET INVOLVED:
Have you been affected by Michael Jackson's death?
How many days off work did you take this week?
Where was YOUR shrine?
Is this enough Ed?
WE'VE GOT NEWSPAPERS TO FILL - Text our premium rate line with YOUR VIEWS ON JACKO'S DEATH

The Daily Telegraph REVEALED: GP 'GHOST PATIENTS' LIST IN FULL
Marie Celeste
The Brown Lady of Raynham Hall
The Bell Witch
The Woman Borley Rectory
The Demon Drummer of Tedworth
The Amityville Horror
Mary Worth aka Bloody Mary
Lily Langtry

22nd June stuff

2009-06-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

In brief: THIS WEEK'S COVER-UPS
MPS EXPENSES CENSORED
Parliamentary authorities will black out juicy details from the publication of individual M.P.s expense claims, leaving only cash amounts. A futile attempt at censorship as The Daily Telegraph (and therefore everyone else) holds a 'clean' copy.
IRAQ WAR INQUIRY WHITEWASH
The government will attempt to hold the Butler inquiry behind closed doors to stop people finding out that the government lied over WMD as a pretext over invading Iraq or that Tony Blair knew that Britons could be tortured at Guantanamo Bay, causing an angry backlash that forces the Prime Minister to offer the concessation of holding some of the sessions in public.
NEW POWDER PUFF BANKING REGULATIONS
Will allow the financial services industry to carry on doing whatever the hell they want to do - investing in high risk ventures and awarding themselves huge bonuses - thereby causing further economic crises for generations to come.

FOX NEWS FLASH: President 'murders' live on TVBarack Obama today killed during a live TV interview at the White House yesterday, (cont. p94)
FOX POLL - WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Is it right that Obama should murder live on TV?Or do you think it is a good thing?Call Rush Limbaugh NOW Toll-free 011-94-94-ZZZ-ZZZZZ

How the media works - this week: THE DAILY MAIL
The Wheelie Bin Revolution (pages 1- 7, 14)
The opposition attempt revolution in Iran (page 26)

8th june rubbish

2009-06-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

FLINTOFF IN NEW OUTBURST
'These foreign cricketers come over here, don't speak a word of English, take our wickets - it's not right you know.'

NEW PAXMAN OUTBURST
"We should all stop behaving like barbarians and read more books. Books like... The Victorians by Jeremy Paxman, The English: A Portrait of a People by Jeremy Paxman, The Political Animal: An Anatomy by Jeremy Paxman, On Royalty by Jeremy Paxman, Friends in High Places: Who Runs Britain? by Jeremy Paxman, or, what about Fish, Fishing and the Meaning of Life? by, er... Jeremy Paxman."

TENNIS NEWS: Brit Murray progressing well in French Open
Late Tennis News: Scotsman blown away in French Open Quarter-final

KIM JONG-IL reveals son will be successor
His rarely seen son, KIM YUNG-UN is to be (cont. p94)

AUSTRALIA CRACKS DOWN ON HATE CRIMES
A diplomatic source in Canberra said, "We need a sophisticated, analytical approach to this problem, to show the world that Australia is not a backward, racist country - and that all the bloody abo's, wogs, chinks and their ilk can all feel safe here."

OLDEST POTTERY FOUND IN CHINA FOUND TO BE FAKE
'Made in Britain' sticker found on base

21st May 09

2009-06-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

21 May 09:
BNP LEADER TURNS DOWN PALACE INVITE
Nick Griffin has rejected an invite to the annual Buckingham Palace party, after he revealed that he didn't want to be seen consorting with intolerant, reactionary types that could damage his career. People like Prince Phillip and Prince Harry do not fit into today's... (cont. p1945)

On other pages: BNP EXPENSE CLAIMS FINALLY REVEALED: Jackboots, bomber jackets, hair clippers and adult literacy help books and signed pictures of David Irving high on the list

THE BIG QUESTION FOR PARLIAMENT:
After all the reforms and opening up to public scrutiny of the political process, just how will Westminster restore the electorate's traditional contempt for politicians?

Criminals to be walked home for last mile by police

8th May 09 stuff

2009-06-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

8 may 09:
Stephen Fry's letter to himself: "Dearest absurd child"
"I hope you are well. I know you are not. As it happens you wrote in 1973 a letter to your future self and it is high time that... ...And you know what? I think you are right." • This is a twitter version of a very long article too boring to read in it's entirity. For more details, go to Pseuds Corner

DiaNA profile 'could be stored indefinitely'
Despite attempts to set a limit of 12 years by the European Court of Human Rights, it is feared that DiaNA could be forever held in perpetuity for the nation. One expert asked; 'Isn't twelve years enough to wallow in false grief about someone you had never met?'

NORTHERN IRELAND: 'Publicans remain highly dangerous' reports body
The group that monitors paralytical activity in Northern Ireland (shurely shome mishtake?)

JOBLESS THUG WHO DRINKS 24 LAGERS A DAY 'TO BE MADE LIFE PEER
'Shameless drunkard who has milked system for years is 'ideal candidate for House of Lords...' (cont. p94)

Royal News: Prince Harry told to 'cut hair'
On other pages: Wills asked to 'shave beard'

April 25th graphics

2009-06-05T04:10:00.001-07:00

April 25th stuff

2009-06-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

25 april 09
POLICE ROUND-UP: "Cut number of arrests..." police chief tells officers "...by murdering suspects"
Time saved in lengthy trials and court-type proceedings would free up man-hours to do the real job of (cont on p999)

G20 DEATH: A NEW LEAD?
Was their a sinister establishment plot behind Ian Tomlinson's tragic death?Perhaps Prince Philip was involved? asks Chief Insp. Mohammed Al-Knacker of Old Scotland Yarn.
On other pages:9
SUSPECT CORPSES HELD BY POLICE 'TO BE DEPORTED'
MET OFFICER REVEALED AS DRIVER OF LORRY IN TSVANGIRI CRASH

Daily Telegraph: DEATH OF THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY
Tragedy in Tewkesbury as the Montague-Heffer de Pfeffel Capulets break up.
Schezerade Jasmine Coriander and Agamemnon to live with mother when home from Prep... (cont. on Court Circular pages).

LABOUR SMEARS ACCUSED TORIES 'OF HAVING MORALS'
Disgusted Conservatives have blasted back at the government after they were accused of 'not being Machiavellian enough' and NOT solely existing to be in power and to line the pockets of the privileged few.

McBRIDE-GATE: THE BACKLASH 'Why didn't we think of this first?' rages Conservative Central Office

THE SUN: HILLSBORO: "WE WANT JUSTICE"
says KELVIN MUCKENZIE
"It was twenty years ago that a whole nation of scum... sorry scousers, rounded on some hard-working decent journalists who were only doing their job. It's been twenty years of hurt for them, many of whom descended into a life of booze and lies that often ended in the High Court. It's high time the City of Liverpool apologised for their totally over-the-top grief-wallowing reaction to a tragedy that was a long time ago. What happened to the so called Liverpudlian sense of humour in all this?
Do you agree with Kelvin? * Are you mad? * Call 0800 666 666 666 NOW for medical help.

CAMPAIGN TO STOP CLIFF SINGING AT WIMBLEDON 'A RESOUNDING SUCCESS'
All England Club say installation of £1million retractable roof 'a small price to pay' if halts the singer's interminable singalongs during washouts.

more april 09 graphics

2009-04-24T17:29:00.001-07:00

april 09

2009-04-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

8 apr 09: POLICE OFFICER TO CLAIM FOR INJURIES FROM G20
A brave police officer who's baton was headbutted several times by 'out of control anarchists' during the April Fool's Day protest is to file a claim for... (cont p94)

OTHER PREDICTABLE NEWS:
CCTV footage of G20 summit 'rather mysteriously lost' say smiling police

OBAMA TO BE SUED BY CHILDREN'S TV STAR
Bob the Builder said to be furious over 'Can we fix it? Yes we can' claim by U.S. president.
"It's all a bit vague and unporfessional," argues Bob, "You should NEVER make a promise without also giving a considered estimate about how long the job will take - and how much it will cost. Anyone who doesn't is a cowboy in my book. I mean, take that George Bush..." (estimate continues for several pages)

The Independent: Surprise visit to U.S. is on the cards for Obama
President to offer hand of friendship to country traditionally seen as reactionary, backward-looking, extremist and violent (cont p94)

CONTROVERSY AS GRAND NATIONAL WINNER
'HAS BETTER TEETH THAN JOCKEY'

further march 09 rubbish

2009-04-24T17:17:00.001-07:00

march 09

2009-04-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

26 mar 09: VICTORY FOR BRAVE SOLDIERS!
Gordon Brown saluted 'a great generation of heroes' as he finally backed a campaign to allow the Taliban to have equal rights to hold victory parades and march through Britain's streets.

OUTCRY AS HEWITT LEADS DRIVE TO ALLOW SICK & WEAK GOVERNMENTS END THEIR LIVES
A campaign led by former Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt to put terminally ill governments out of their misery has been universally backed by MPs on all sides. "This is a very good idea being brought through the back door," said one supporter (cont. p94)

13 mar 09: NEW FEARS FOR JADE
Friends of Jade Goody said they feared for the reality TV star last night, after rumours spread that former Prime Minister Tony Blair was preparing a tearfully insincere speech titled; 'She was, quite simply, the peepul's reality TV star,' and that Elton John was preparing an imminent release of a reworking an old hit of his - 'Goodbye Millwall's Rose' - which will feature a lucrative b-side cash-in (cont. p94).

99% LESS PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE POVERTY HISTORY THAN 3 YEARS AGO UK Charities were in turmoil last night as a new survey revealed that the number of people expressing a desire to ‘Make Poverty History’ had dropped by over 99% since the slogan was first popularized in 2005. The survey, which was conducted by a new study into charitable attitudes, found that the once-stylish charity wristbands had all but disappeared from public view, suggesting that as the financial crisis took hold in rich countries, its citizens had reverted to a ‘charity begins at home’ philosophy, and no longer gave a flying fuck about the starving millions.

Other news: European wristband mountain hits new heights
The wristband mountain that has been growing just outside Eindhoven hit the 1,000 foot mark for the first time yesterday. Rubbish experts at the EU predict that several more million tonnes of hopelessly naff pieces of rubber will arrive at the site by the end of the year, tipping the mountain to upwards of (cont. p94)

more feb 09 graphics

2009-04-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

feb 09

2009-04-24T17:02:00.000-07:00

26 feb 09: ALL NEW 2009 MORRISSEY: "I was looking for a job, then I didn’t find a job, And heaven knows I'm going on a gap year now..."

THE NEWS FROM RUSSIA TODAY:
A COURT in Moscow has acquitted four men accused of murdering investigative journalist Anna Politkovskaya. The four men were found not guilty of murder and immediately freed, after it was revealed Ms Politkovskaya’s death was just a terrible accident because she had fallen in her flat on to a malfunctioning gun that discharged five bullets into her head and body… (cont. p94)

LATE NEWS: Man commits suicide by cutting own head off whilst shaving before shooting himself in the heart ten times…

INSTANT JUSTICE… How it works: With your JUSTICE MINISTER JACK STRAW Newsworthyness + public goodwill + celebrity angle = An early release for Jade Goody’s husband(Thus ticking all the New Labour boxes)
What doesn’t then? Friendly Labour peer + large amounts of cash for law amendments + public anger + costly inquiry, er…

CELEBRITIES in one of London's most fashionable locales have come together to reduce their emissions.
Actress EMMA THOMPSON, Strictly Come Dancing Judge Arlene Phillips, actor Sean Bean and comedian Ben Elton have all signed up to make a contribution to a Camden Council campaign.Thompson has offered to travel less by staying at home, thereby starring in less films and TV productions, Phillips pledged to stop appearing on Strictly Come Dancing make judgements on people and will be taping her mouth firmly shut. Meanwhile Sean Bean vowed to have less lines in films and dramas and so use less oxygen, whilst Elton has promised not to make any more musicals that induce sickness, and to be 'less insufferably smug, self-satisfied and pretentiously arrogant,' thereby raising general goodwill around the world.

13 feb 09
PREDICTABLE U.S. NEWS "We will smash the CIA into a 1000 pieces," President Obama tells the media before flying to Dallas for a meeting with local business leaders.

jan 09 graphics

2009-04-24T16:59:00.001-07:00

jan 09 stuff

2009-04-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

30 jan 09: GOVERNMENT IN TRANSLATION: What they actually mean
ASBESTOS IN SCHOOLS: "It's safer to leave it where it is..."
means: "It's cheaper leave it where it is..."

PM IN DESPERATE APPEAL: 'Women of Britain - buy more shoes' Prime Minister Gordon Brown today urged the UK's entire female population to 'up the amount of shoes they buy a month' from the current average of 2.9 pairs to 4 pairs in order to save the nation's high street shoe chains... (cont. p94)

15 jan 09: Tzipi Livni new statement: "Moon made of cheese"
The Israeli Foreign Minister revealed that if Israel argued long and hard enough that the moon was made of cheese, then people would eventually believe that the moon was indeed cheese-based. She then denied that 'bears shit in the woods' and that the 'Pope is Catholic.'

NEW JOBS BOOST FROM PM: "100,000 new jobs across the country"
What will those new jobs be like?
JOB 1: CONNECTION APPLIANCE OPERATIVE £21,000 p.a. + full benefits SPEC: Role may involve knocking nails into a plank of wood.
JOB 2: APPLIANCE REMOVAL OPERATIVE. £21,500 p.a. + full benefits SPEC: Job could entail pulling nails out of a plank of wood.
JOB 3: BODY AWARENESS ORIENTATION WORKER. £68,000 p.a. + car & full benefits A role already popular in the public sector, this would be ideal for people who need extra training in differentiating between the posterior & limb area of the body.

dec 09 graphics

2009-04-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

dec - nov stuff

2009-04-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

29 dec 09: INTO 2009, BRITAIN IS BOOMING! Everything is on the UP!
1. Number of British ex-pats returning home from Spain & France = UP ^
2. Troops into Afghanistan = UP ^

3. Career choice gap between graduates and those who leave school at 16 = UP^

4. Flu infections = UP ^

5. Criminals spared jail who reoffend = UP ^

6. Church attendence falls, number of atheists = UP ^

7. Teenage pregnancies = UP ^ (another year on year increase, well done girls!)

So come on Britain! Look on the bright side for once!

STOP PRESS: ISRAEL TO BOMB WEST END
Musicals targeted in further expansion of roadmap to peace policy. Knesset refuses to rule out invasion of Gazza.

16 dec 09: YOUR RAIL QUESTIONS ANSWERED!
Rail Industry chiefs answer your questions
From the thousands who emailed, here are but a small section of the ones we could reply to... Dear Rail Chiefs: I ABHOR THE HUMAN VOICE, CAN WE HAVE MORE AUTOMATED ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN AT A PLATFORM, OR ON THE TRAIN? PREFERABLY EVERY 20 SECONDS AT MIND-NUMBING DECIBELS? Thanks, Mr Iam Mad, Broadmoor HMPA
Rail Chief answers: "Certainly Mr Mad, anything to oblige!"

Hello, i like to steal and rob people on trains - any chance of not letting guards on trains ever again? Would make my job a whole lot easier. peace. D. Sturbed, Bedlam
"Of course, Mr Sturbed, there's no chance of that happening, because that would cost money!"
I THINK THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY TRAIN CARRIAGES THESE DAYS, IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF CUTTING BACK ON TRAIN CARRIAGES? THEN WE COULD ALL SQUASH INTO LESS SPACE?" MR I. DIOT, Gerrard Very Cross
"What a good idea! Mr Diot, we shall certainly look into your suggestion!... SORRY, DUE TO A LACK OF STAFF, THE Q&A SESSION HAS BEEN NOW BEEN CANCELLED. THE RAIL CHIEFS ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

'Glitch' found on West Coast main line found to be a train
'We get these glitches blocking up the network quite a lot these days,' revealed Rail Chiefs, 'but we still find that 89% of these glitches are on time.'

Following on from the Rolling Stones, more rock bands set to have streets named after themThe Prodigy in Braintree, Essex: Firestarter Way, Smack My Bitch Up Avenue, Out of Space Car ParkSex Pistols to be honoured in London as well: Belsen Was A Gas Drive, Never Mind The Bollocks, here's the cul-de-sac, Friggin in the Riggin StreetNo Future Technology Park

21 nov 09: SHOCK TEEN POLL
Half of the nation's children think adults are 'ignorant, reactionary fools who are quick to damn, who have their ill-judged prejudices whipped up by tabloid newspapers.' 40% of children fear increasing adult irrationality will breed more intolerance towards them.

Prince Charles gets character reference from his father in time for his 60th birthday'A blithering namby-pamby wet rag, full of hair-brained hippy nonsense… bloody tree hugger.'
Without prompting, he then gave further unflinching assessments of his other sons, who he affectionately refers to as 'thicko' and 'poofter.'

nov - dec 08 graphics

2009-04-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

10th Nov

2008-11-12T04:51:00.000-08:00

TV TONIGHT: Shakespearean Play for TodayA woman who earns a living writhing around naked in fake blood and intestines complains of reputation being ruined…

Following the Brand and Ross scandal, a new regulatory body will be set up to monitor celebrity indiscretions. OFTWAT will make sure that any mis.. (cont. p94)

The Daily Mail: Has Jonathan Ross caused house prices to fall? On centre pages - A special investigation Does Russell Brand give you cancer?

Top 5 responses from viewers this week:
1. Brand / Ross lose jobs 35,4022.
2. Should Sachs be compensated? 23,0823.

3. Will Georgina Baillie get her own TV show? 11,7894.

4. Economic crisis 285.

5. War in Congo 2

'The BBC has lost touch with public' thunder politicians from yacht in Adriatric

WHO SHOULD BE THE NEW COMEDY CZAR?

Juliet Bravo?, Ian Blair, Boris Johnson??? Lord Archer, Sir James Anderton, Sir Keith Richards Sir George Lamb, Sir Larry the Lamb, Sir Pinky & Perky Mr Bill (& Ben)....

INDIA KNIGHT'S TOP TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Tip No.1: Write a book full money saving ideas just in time for the lucrative Christmas market

Tip No.2: Do loads of interviews to promote the book

Tip No.3: Er, that's it!

President Obama's visit to Dallas 'doubtful'

U.S. reaction: Dick Cheney – "A sad day for venal, non-free thinking illiberal warmonger everywhere…" (cont. p94)

THE DAILY PLANET Death Star destroyed. Parties across the galaxy….

British grand prix driver not appealed against shock
Astonished 'World Champion' as foreign teams don't rake up some technicality

T5 VOTED THIS YEAR'S NATIONAL EMBARRASMENT
Prestigious award in hard fought category...
Highlights of this year's Top 100 cock-ups
1. Terminal 52.
2. Brand & Ross show
3. George Osborne (late entry)
4. Alistair Darling...
Continued…

27 oct stuff

2008-11-12T04:42:00.000-08:00

27 oct 08:
SALES OF FOOD FALL FOR FIRST TIME
Has Prescott gone on holiday?

This week's most expensive cocktail: SEX ON THE BEACH (Dubai Mix) Cost: 6 months in jail.

"Government ministers are completely out of touch with the public," says George Osbourne from aboard a yacht in the Adriatric.

How violent crimes were recorded before...
GBH was termed 'apple scrumping'
ABH was 'knocking a bobby's helmet off with your catapult'
RAPE was 'assualt with a friendly weapon' that's enough...

BIG BUSINESS MAY INFLUENCE GOVERNMENT POLICY DECISIONS SHOCK
Bears consultancy with Forestry Commission proves constructive
Pope's long term contract with Vatican not influenced by Catholicism-That Lord Ashdown charity list in full:Children's charities (insert names of Lord Ashdown's children here)Conservative Central Officeer, that'sit...--

SPORTS NEWS: Driver who wins Grand Prix not disqualified shockAstonishment as winner actually retains result and keeps points (cont. p94) --

"LOOKING GOOD, FEELING SHIT!"
Probably Gok Wan on Kerry Katona's fabulous new look

60 second interview with Stella Rimington, Express anti-inflation tips

2008-10-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

29 sep 08
Nursery Times:
JUST WHO ARE THESE 'SHORT SELLERS'?
There appear to be seven of them: PROSPERITY, WEALTHY, PROPERTY, GLUTTONY, GREEDY, STINGY, and… MISERLY.

AIRLINE NEWS:
Suicidal hijackers 'to pay more'
From now on, passengers wishing to take over a plane in the name of their cause and crash it into an iconic building of capitilism, will have to pay for the privilege (cont. p94)

BLAINE TO TRY TOUGHEST TEST YET
World's greatest illusionist will attempt to sit through an Afghan wedding without getting bombed by the U.S. Air Force.

pupils forced to learn 'English'

2008-10-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

15 sep 08
Pupils are held back at school because they're forced to learn 'English'
Academic says outdated form of language and script are of little use when chasing today's most popular careers.
What are top five career choices for today's pupils?
'being rich and famous' 'being rich'
'premiership footballer / wife of premiership footballer'
'dj-ing / rapping'
'conceptual graffiti artist'

'WE ARE NOT ALL SLUTS'
American music stars furious at MTV video music awards host Russell Brand have blasted his act, saying it is 'obsessed with sex' and 'cheap, filthy and perverse.'
The stars, who regularly perform songs filled with sexual innuendo aimed at a pre-teen and teenage market whilst wearing leather bondage gear revealed… (cont. p94)

your friendly neighbourhood death squad

2008-10-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

1st sep 08
DAILY TELEGRAPH COURT CIRCULAR
Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend, enjoyed a day's shopping in London yesterday. Accompanied by her mother Beverley, the Zimbabwean-born 23-year old visited the Kings Road, Chelsea, making a purchase at French Connection.
Were you shopping in the Kings Road yesterday? Perhaps you were on holiday or maybe you don't have to work for living either? Do you know what Chelsy bought?
Do you know what other clothes she tried on?
Email / Text: filler@telegraph.co.uk

THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN DISASTER ZONE ANALOGIES
Still at no.1: 'Like Hell'
re-entry at 2: 'Like Beirut'
down to no.3: 'Like the black hole of Calcutta'
new entry at no.4: 'Like Slough...' (continued...)

U.S. ELECTION 2008: BIDEN PASSES 'CRUCIAL BEER TEST'
In a tradition started by Edward Kennedy, Democratic running mate Joe Biden wins decision over who American voters would like to go drink-driving with...

p.eye rejects Aug 18th 2008

2008-08-19T07:09:00.001-07:00

POINTLESS NEW FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGY FILLER
Which spoon each team would be...?
MAN UTD - silver service
CHELSEA - solid gold
SPURS - solid gold plated
HULL CITY - plastic motorway caff continued on p94

THAT 'FIT & PROPER' PREMIERSHIP CHAIRMAN LIST ON FULL:

TV CHOICE: Jonathan Ross Salutes Dad's ArmyIn this one-off special to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the classic show, self-confessed Dad's Army fan Jonathan Ross asks surviving 'members,' including Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee and Frank Williams, if they would like to have sex with his wife, and wonders in a dangerously edgily sexy way whether or not Arthur Lowe ever got his cock out on set and waggled it around, shouting, 'Ivor Biggun, missus.'

HOUSE OF SADDAM - final episode 4 (featured in last week episode: At the Oil Baron's Ball:)J.R. Hussein: You're a loser Khomeini, you'll never beat me, ha ha ha...

An empty boardroom J.R. HUSSEIN, ceo of Hussein Oil sweeps in. At first he thinks he's alone. Then he spies his errant son in the corner...
J.R.: "My son, I am angry with you - why haven't the Iraqi football team qualified for the world cup?It is your fault. You must motivate them like a Hussein would - beat their soles, beat their children..."
Son (shouting, emotional): "...Dad! You've always put me down, always angry with me! Is it because I'm gay? J.R.: "No son. You are Uday." (NOT to be continued)

2008-08-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

THIS WEEK'S TOP LEGAL TIP: How to avoid prosecution for being found in possession of £2,000 worth of class A drugs...
STEP 1) Be fabulously wealthy...
STEP 2) er,
STEP 3) that's it...

KNIVES TO BE ISSUED TO ALL TEENAGERS
'Level playing field' idea floated by Home Office, to give all teenagers an equal chance in the 'cut and thrust' of today's fast-moving society.The free knives will reflect current government initiatives, in that they would be made of plastic, blunted and utterly useless...

POLICE THINK PASSPORT VAN THEFT 'COULD LEAD TO SALES ON BLACK MARKET'
Bears linked to soiling of forests
Pope rumoured to have some kind of association with the Vatican

THE SIMPLEST GUIDE TO BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH YET!
brought to you by your friends at BP and BRITISH GAS
STEP 1: Be a vast, wealthy corporation, preferably a multinational
STEP 2: Don't pass on cheaper cost prices of goods to the consumer
STEP 3: Make huge profits

The Times
WARSHIP COMMANDER IN GULF HOSTAGES DEBACLE LOSES JOB
Navy says move not linked to Iran abduction
"Ha ha ha ha," Ha ha ha ha-ha, "ha ha ha-ha, hee-hee."Hee-hee, ha ha ha...
(continues on jokes page)

21st july Eye rejects

2008-08-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

Introducing Boris' new right-hand man* - who will play a key administrative role in the government of London. A man who helped to create full employment during a previously successful 12-year tenure on the continent, who has a good track record of coordinating coherent strategy and policy directives. Controversial he may be, but he is definitely a man who isn't afraid to make tough decisions to cut spending in levels in certain areas in order to make necessary savings. Born in Austria, although more famous for residing in Germany, Mr Hitler will... (cont. p39) *pending checks

CRICKET NEWS: England set new record for unchanged Test sides 6th successive mediocre side with mundane, run-of-the-mill results breaks the previous... (cont. on pzzzzzz)

Getting stuck in traffic 'cheaper than in 1988
'The cost of gently stewing away in your car, stuck in a 12-mile tailback, contemplating the futility of one's existence has fallen by 18% in real terms... (cont p.94)

PM URGES CEO PAY RESTRAINT
Gordon Brown has asked for corporate leaders to take into account the currrent economic climate and limit pay increases to not more than a 1000% of their employees, as this may encourage them to strike when they get a pay deal that is below inflationThe Prime Minister also wants CEO's to refrain from buying yachts, gold bullion, small African countries, laser beams or secret underwater bases.

Daily Mail: IS KNIFE CRIME CAUSING FALLING HOUSE PRICES?
Inside: Why no-one in Britain is safe from our screaming headlines

+ ESTHER RANTZEN ON HOW CAN WE FIX 'BROKEN TEETH BRITAIN'?
This week's top tag-lines are:
'Broken Teeth' Britain, 'Blade' Blitain, 'Bloken' Blitain, 'Scalpel' society'

PLEASE STOP THIS DANGEROUS ESCALATION OF CASUAL, TIT-FOR-TAT, MACHO, POSTURING kneejerk reactions by politicians looking to make a name for themselves on the back of knife crime...

Those TOP FIVE unbreakable G8 pledges in full:
1. war is bad
2. child murder is a terrible thing
3. landmines aren't very helpful to children playing football
4. er, blue is quite a nice colour...
5. um, that's it...

WHY IS BRITAIN SO 'HIDEOUSLY WHITE'?
With only 85% of the UK still wrapping themselves in the covertly fascistic term of 'white british,' isn't it high time that britain stopped being so OVERTLY RACIST? This constant pandering to the whims of the WASP masses is getting us nowhere. We should stop all this TOKEN STEREOTYPING of the UK as white anglo-saxon country, and finally acknowledge what we all really want it to be; a black disabled muslim homosexual caliphate.
When asked to fill out any forms - say a quick 10-page Health & Safety / CRB / CRE / CIA disclaimer for a children's party, I always tick the box, 'one-legged lesbian Somali refugee with learning difficulties' to show my solidarity with my non-white brothers, sisters (and transgender brothers and sisters, or brothers / sisters)... (continues for several pages...)

more june 25th graphics

2008-06-30T03:31:00.000-07:00

p.eye rejects June 25th 2008

2008-06-30T03:15:00.000-07:00

THAT 2008-09 PREMIERSHIP
FIXTURE LIST IN FULL:
Sat 16 Aug Match 1:
tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 2: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 3: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 4: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 5: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 6: tba vs tba (ko tbc)
Match 7: L'pool vs tba (ko 17:00 SKY TV)
Sun 17 Aug Match 8: Arsenal vs tba (ko 14:00 SKY TV)
Match 9: Chelsea vs tba (ko 16:00 SKY TV)
Mon 18 Aug Match 10: Man Utd vs tba (ko 19:45 SKY TV)
...continues through to about Sat 24th May 2009

Copyright © and Database Right 2008[/9] Sky Televis... sorry, I mean The Football Association Premier League Ltd / The Football League Ltd / The Scottish Premier League Ltd / The Scottish Football League. All rights reserved. All fixtures subject to change* (*According to Sky TV)

Have you recently been 'totally DEVASTATED?
Suffered from... DISPLACEMENT of Ego?
CONFLICT of interest between club & country?
ANGER on the pitch? EXTREME reactions to trifling matters...?
Then don't suffer in silence. Join the MILLIONAIRE FOOTBALLERS SUPPORT GROUP
and we'll look after you...

JOINED-UP GOVERNMENT
Teenagers without bus passes to be imprisoned for up to 42 days

THIS WEEK'S MOST READ ONLINE:
1. Screaming gory headline
2. Sex death headline
3. Quick fix story of blood & death
4. Horrible rape headline
5. Rain hits Rooney wedding
6. Further tale of butchery satifies readers bloodlust
7-98. Readers appetites sated by death sex fetish fiend stories...
99. Bank sector in turmoil
100. Child survives cancer op

RADIO 4 - TODAY'S CHOICE: All In The Mind
Dr Raj Persaud discusses the existence of plagiarism, and whether it is simply a fashionable, 'made-up' illness.

NEWS OF THE WORLD: 'What's it all abaaht??'
WHICH ROYAL WILL FART AT NEXT YEAR'S TROOPING THE COLOUR?
2-1 Harry, 4-1 Prince Phil, 5-1 Wills, 60-1 Princess Anne, 100-1 The Queen,
1000-1 Queen Mum

"BACK" story: It's traditional every year now for a Royal to fart their approval at the annual military spectacle, after Prince Phillip starting things off in 2006.
--

Eye rejects June 2008

2008-06-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

New P.eye issue features 'New modest look for Newsnight girls'

Join the debate:
ARE GREEDY FIRMS & GOVERNMENT BODIES RIPPING YOU OFF WITH COSTLY HELPLINE NUMBERS?
Tell us now:
RING 0870 100 YES for 'YES'
or 0870 200 NO for 'NO'
(Calls cost 400m Zimbabwean dollars / per min & terminate in Harare)

REALITY CHEQUE:
This week: Bank of England Governor, MERVYN KING
1. What is the price of a bottle of milk?
"Er, ...two English pounds?"
2. How about a loaf of bread?"
Hmm..."I'm not sure if I like this line of questioning.
3. How much is does a 2kg bag of Basmati rice cost? "
Right, that's it, this interview is over..."

2008-05-27T04:02:00.001-07:00

26/05/08:
GANG MURDER VICTIM 'WASN'T GOOD BOY WHO NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AND STUDIED HARD' SHOCK

BROWN: "I'm the right man to lead Britain into recession"
In a spectacular fightback, the Prime Minister has outlined definitive plans for future government cock-ups to steer the country steadily into a financial meltdown.
That PM fightback in full:
Autumn 2008 - failed attempt at organising drinks party at an alcohol manufacturers.
Christmas 2008 - fact-finding visit in a vessel with no means of propulsion to a muddy river.
Spring 2009 - foreign trip to the top of a high mountain to look down a deep gorge.

NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE
This week's top U.S. NEWS headline, courtesy of the THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER:
CHAPPAQUIDDICK ACCUSED
RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL

DEEPCUT UPDATE: BRITISH ARMY WANTS 'OPEN AND TRANSPARENT COVER-UPS' FROM NOW ON

TERRIFYING HAUL OF SCHOOLCHILDREN FOUND ON BUS
16 children found on ONE bus, some as young as 14.
Police say they have no idea how they got there...

MPs TO ROADTEST 'RIGHT TO LIE' CARDS

2008-05-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

12/05/08:
EUROPEAN NEWS
Italy in shock as ugly old man joins Berlusconi cabinet

DEFENCE CONTRACTOR 'ADMITS ETHICAL FAILINGS SHOCK
'Pope 'denies Vatican has shares in arms industry'
Bears 'shit bullets'

COMMENT IS FREE- IS THIS THE FIRST SIGNS OF THE BORIS EFFECT and a new classless society in London?As the first shooting of the week comes from a barrister in Chelsea, we ask (cont. on p. zzzz)

ZIMBABWE LATEST: A second round of threats and intimidation is under way...

OFFICIAL BORIS JOHNSON GAFFE SWEEPSTAKE:
500-1 - makes Robert Mugabe new 'London Crime Czar'
250-1 - says bendy buses should be filled with tenn gangs & burned on Bonfire Night
50-1 - calls for a new airport to be built on Olympic site
25-1 - misunderstood banter with Brian Paddick about cushions
12-1 - flatly contradicts Conservative Party policy
7-2 - hanky panky in City Hall
2-1 - unfortunate racist remark

LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA SUPPORTERS: Your ESSENTIAL guide for travel to Moscow After the corruption and violent chaos of the Communist era, football fans going to the Russian capital for the Champoins League match will now see a democratic renaissance under the new, uncorruptable and entirely freely elected leadership of Dmitry Medvedev…
Getting there: The cheapest flight is via Omsk and takes 29 hours, costing a total of £998 (single). On your arrival in Moscow, you must hand over your passport and any valuables such as wedding rings and credit cards to a man wearing a leather coat – despite the sunny weather. His name is Vladimir. He will take care of your property for a small fee to be agreed on meeting (usually around $300).
Staying there: Budget hotels are scarce in the city centre, and fans are therefore advised to meet a man in the North-East corner of Red Square at 2pm. His name is Andrei, you cannot miss him - he will be the only person wearing a traditional Ushanka hat in the 30 degree heat. For a finders fee of only 150 € he will direct you to the nearest hotel charging very competitive rates. The Hotel Lubyanka's rooms may be spartan, but at only £400 a night (room only) they are amongst the cheapest in the whole of Moscow!
At the match: Tickets will be held for you at the ticket office in Room 10023 Glasnost Prospekt, just on the outskirts of Moscow. Speak to a man called Boris. He will give you your tickets only on receipt of a 'Ticket Release fee' of 40,000 roubles (approx. 30 pence). Tickets will only be given up on proof of identity (e.g. passport, credit cards, etc)
Going home: You will be allowed to go home when you have your passport returned to you - following payment of a 'passport tax' to another man in a leather coat, called Igor - at Moscow Airport (Cubicle 7 in toilet block 3c). The usual fee is $300. You will then be the fast-tracked through the departure lounge, personally escorted to your plane by 'security forces.'

TOP TIP'S ON AVOIDING A SPEEDING PENALTY:
1. Be rich 2. Be famous... 3. ...or be a chief of police 4. er... 5. ...that's it...

2008-05-27T03:44:00.000-07:00

28/04/08:

NEW HITLER SHAME
Mr Max Mosley, a spokesman for the former chancellor of Germany, has denied reports that Adolf Hitler 'was a rabid fan of motor racing,' and 'listened to reports of grands prix on the radio.'
"What Herr Hitler did in the privacy of his own bunker was his own business," said Mosley, "And had absolutely nothing to do with him getting on with the job of winning ze var and gainink komplete kontrol of ze whole vorld."

PRESCOTT:
"Yes - I suffered from Bulshitia"
Brave politician applauded for having the courage to take the first step of admitting they told pork pies rather than simply eating them.

2008-04-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

NEW RAMSEY AD
Newly added, old but offensive; for some reason - no-one wanted to buy this (thanks to Jass for the font)

2008-04-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

Latest Private Eye rejections added. For these little ramblings I get one story in PE 1207; 'PASSENGER ACTION' CAUSES DELAYS AT NEW HEATHROW TERMINAL

BECKHAM GETS 100TH HAIRSTYLE
One of the greatest haircuts to grace the English game, 'Becks' told fans he was delighted and is hoping to be around for 2010 - although he is taking each haircut at a time.

ON OTHER PAGES: Beckham's career high-lites
1998 World Cup: Mullet comb-over
2000 European Championship: Skinhead with blonde tints
2004 World Cup: Hoxton fin with purple rinse

NEW FEARS over violent computer game-playing kids drinking cough medicines on board planes... cont. p9

EXPRESS FINALLY FORCED TO APOLOGISE OVER 'GROSSLY DEFAMATORY' STORIES
Paper splashed nearly every day with increasingly lurid and wildly speculative stories about the weather, and has... (cont. p9)

Teaching recruiters blasted for misleading adverts
Impressionable people are being recruited without realising the dangers that they are letting themselves in for in the classroom, it was alleged at the NUT annual conference yesterday. Delegates heard one speaker say, 'Until they tell the truth - that you can be sent into situations where people could shoot at you and try to kill you... especially if you are a supply teacher with Year 10's...'

2008-03-31T08:27:00.001-07:00

rather obvious anti- anti-terror ad.

On another tip - here's a plug for the new April issue of Viz 174 - it's very good this month, and not just 'cos I (unusually) have 3 ads in it;

GOOSESTEP MASTER;

SMACKMART;

AL-QUADA PHONE CHATLINES;

your mum blog

2008-03-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Too late for P.Eye, so here goes, er here. Not much scope for this time-sensitive stuff, apart from The Tart satire paper, or maybe Tory HQ - they might want to show they're not afraid of laughing at themselves...
Thanks to Jamie for the idea.
A good example of the kind of utter rubbish I churn out every week.

Cluck it, might as well post the rest of the guff from last week as well...

POOR HAVE 'WORSE HEALTH' SHOCK
Bears like 'white sliced chip butties'
Pope loves 'olive oil ciabattas drizzled with aioli'

That morally dubious 'we'll race anywhere for cash' F1 season guide in full:
Round 1: IRANIAN GRAND PRIX – Al-sharia non-homo ring
Round 2: ZIMBABWEAN GRAND PRIX – Robert Mugabe Circuitory Oval
Round 3: CUBAN GRAND PRIX – Autudromo Che Guevera
Round 4: NORTH KOREAN GRAND PRIX – Plutoniumring
Round 5: INDONESIAN GRAND PRIX – East Timorese Memorial Cup
Round 6: SINGAPOREAN GRAND PRIX – Noh Chew Wing Gum Circuit
Round 7: CHINESE GRAND PRIX – Tibetan Memorial Cup
(hang on those last two are real… That's enough…)

GRUDGING GPs GIVE IN AND AGREE NOT TO PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS
Doctors complain of unacceptable handicaps, 1000's of caddies could lose jobs

PROPERTY OWNERS!
Add ££££'s to the value of your home with just a few simple improvements!
Contact BANKSY DECORATING AGENCY now on 07777 611 345899

THE SUN'S MANIFESTO TO FIX 'BROKEN BRITAIN'
1) Stop booze wrecking people's lives,
2) Attack the budget's price increases on drink
3) Continue to run huge adverts for bargain booze,
4) er…

Britain in rush to get booze bargains before Sunday budget deadline
Where to get those drink deals: All supermarkets are doing special pre-budget deals on Super Vilent 8% Lager – which will go up from 10p a can to a whopping 24p…
(30 cans for the price of 20)
And for the middle classes, Lambrusco Valiumo (14.5%) will be up from 2.49 to 2.99, with all major supermarkets are still doing 6 cases for 5 until April 1st…

Alan Duncan announces first 'non-mincing' gay wedding
"No frills, no pink, no dogs wearing pink frills, no wigs and no poncy renaissance costumes, vows MP."

IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT INFORMATION:
NEW OATH OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED KINGDOM & THE QUEEN
If you would like to say your oath of allegiance in one of the following languages:
Polish, Russian, Serbo-Croat, Rumainian, Moldovan, Ruritarian, Somali, Bengali, Gujrati, Mongolian, Inner Mongolian, Outer Mongolian, Near Central Mongolian, Flemish, Swedish, Yiddish, Scottish, Welsh, Irish, Yorkshire dialect (North/ East/ West/ South), Klingon.Please contact:
TAXPAYER'S FREEPOST, The Attorney-General Lord Goldsmith, c/o 10 Downing St, London.

IRANIAN FORBES RICH LIST PUBLISHED
1. Grand Cleric Ayatollah Mustafa Ziggy (tobacco imports) $50.5m
2. Grand Vizier Ay' avalottah Jacuzzis (oil trade) $50.25m
3. Grand Wizard Ay' av-meini BMW's (sugar production) $49.9m
4. Ayatollah Al-Shar Option (foreign currencies) $49.5m