Thursday, 10 June 2010

7th June 2010

World Cup News: MARADONA NAMES SHOCK ARGENTINA SQUAD
Argentina manager Diego Maradona has shocked the football world to the core, after he dropped the world’s best player Lionel Messi and named himself as his replacement.
The 49-year-old striker, who has said he will run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina win, said the only way forward was to include ‘the world’s best player in the squad.’ Namely himself... (continues in Mental Health pullout)





CLEVEREST MAN IN WESTMISTER ‘ACTUALLY QUITE DIM’
David Laws, labeled the cleverest man in Westminster has resigned after admitting giving £40,000 of taxpayer's money to his partner. Previous MP's who were briefly considered intelligent include David ‘Two Brains’ Willets and John 'Star Trek' Redwood.

Those TOP FIVE reasons for not having a knee-jerk reaction to changing the gun license laws in full:
1) We won't have any Olympics shooting winners
2) We then might not be able to stage the Olympics
3) We can't shoot foxes
4) Er,
5) That's it

OUT OF RESPECT, ALL REFERENCES TO GUNS ARE BANNED FROM THIS ISSUE

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ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
Woman splits from man she was going to marry.
Another woman may or may not be pregnant.
A teenage singer attempts to break into adult market with the usual 'raunchy outfits followed by half-hearted pole dance followed by simulated lesbian kiss with dancer' marketing tricks.


24th May 2010



LABOUR MP IN TALKS TO BE ‘POVVO TSAR’
The Conservative-Liberal coalition government has revealed that Frank Field, the MP for ‘somewhere ghastly up north,’ could become the new ‘Povvo Tsar.’
Prime Minister David Cameron is hoping to extend his ‘big tent’ coalition to disaffected Labour MPs and voters they represent. The move towards the inclusive 'big society' could see Mr. Field looking into issues that affect those outside the Westminster village – such as oiks and general ne’er do wells, as well as toerags, scallywags, wrong ‘uns and people who don’t listen to ‘Today.’

TODAY’S RADIO CHOICE: RADIO 4 - A History of the World in 100 Objects
Director of the British Museum, Neil MacGregor, continues to narrate the 100 programmes that retell humanity's history through the objects we have nicked down the years.

New set of standards makes it easier for airlines to fly through volcanic ash
The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has introduced a new ‘fly where the hell we want to, when we bloody want to’ rule will allow airlines to fly in the zone for a limited time. The authority's move was welcomed by airlines, regulators and manufacturers.

ENGLAND STARS IN TRAINING FOR WORLD CUP
The England football team arrived at their new training camp in Austria to try and recreate as near as is physically possible conditions as that they will experience in South Africa in just over a month’s time.
It’s believed that nothing has been left to chance to get the squad up to speed, and alongside the games machines and pool tables, several dozen perma-tanned, nubile, high class hookers have been flown in, special dedicated phone sex lines have been connected – and William Hill has opened a branch next door to the ground.
It has not yet been decided which high up member of the FA will be caught in a sex scandal.

MPs TO HAVE PAY CUT*
*excludes directorships for marketing groups, tobacco firms or landmine manufacturers




12 May 2010


end of April 10