Saturday, 23 January 2010

14 Jan P.Eye rejects



Federation of Small Businesses asks for school half term to be cancelled
Small businesses hit hard by the VAT increase and recession are backing an
internet campaign to cancel half-term holiday for schools, as another break for children
could ‘finish off’ many shops that won’t be able to cope with the increase in petty thefts.

CALL FOR CONTROLS IN DOG BREEDERS
Report says dog owners should stop inbreeding as this is what causes them to resemble their pets.

The Daily Telegraph
TORY DONOR LIST REVEALS 'A DIVERSE AND FORWARD LOOKING PARTY THAT REFLECTS MODERN BRITAIN'
Conservative Central Office have finally revealed full details about their large benefactors to party funds, they include:
Sir Zac Goldsmith, a frequent visitor to West London, who lives in Monte Carlo - who generously provided £40 billion of his own trustfund.
Baron Ruprecht von Goering of Baden Baden, Bosch Armaments - who graciously donated £48
billion earned from landmine sales.
Mr Phillip Morris of 57 Fagash Avenue, Forest Estate, Smokestown, Isle of Man - £150 billion
from tobacco sales
Count V. Dracula of Transylvania, who made a career in dentistry, resides in a coffin in Castle Vlad - £159 billion
Lord Ashcroft of Belize, who probably also resides in a coffin and sucks the life out of
people - £99,999.

Xmas 09 / New Year 10

Xmas 09:
BANKERS 'TO BE PHASED OUT BY 2018'
Despite being around since the 18th century, trust levels in bankers has dropped dramatically over the past few years...
Some people still like to use them, but there numbers have declined so rapidly that they
could now be phased out.

--
New Year 10

DAILY MAIL
Will a lack of gritters cause house prices to fall?
Extreme UK weather ‘worse than climate change’ Schools closed, trains and flights cancelled

MORE DAILY MAIL
What will happen when the world gets warmer?
Four possible scenarios:
+1c = The increase in house prices starts to slow
+2c = House prices begin to stagnate
+3c = House prices begin to fall
+4c = House prices fall catastrophically

UK TRAVEL: Normal service resumes*
* Normal service = delays, cancellations, unheated transport, absent staff, no information…

CHURCH NEWS
In his annual barmy address to get into the newspapers, an Anglican Vicar says the poor and
vulnerable should not sell drugs or become prostitutes, but as a last resort should steal from large, wealthy organisations, such as the Catholic Church, or the Methodists.

Vicar says people have forgotten the teachings of Cowell during the festive period
A Church of England priest has blasted British society for forgetting the moral code laid
down each and every year since he could remember- where a bland X-factor song would storm to the top of the charts without fear of any competition.
Citing the recent number one chart battle that ended in Cowell's charge losing to Rage Against The Machine... (cont. on p.zzzzz)

Prince William's secret outdoor sleep with the homeless is just the latest in a long line of incognito royal attempts at meeting the general public. Others include:
Prince Andrew is believed to have dropped £5 notes out of his helicopter over Peckham on
Christmas Eve in 1996, relaying 'There you go, povvos' from his tannoy to astonished crowds
below.
Prince Edward donning a disguise and performing some 'street theatre' to astonished shoppers
on London's Oxford St in Christmas 1988, before being arrested.
Prince Philip providing an impromptu free talk on 'deportment and diplomacy skills' to
astonished East Hackney Junior School Year 3 in March 1957.
Er, that's
it.

BBC WINS CHRISTMAS RATINGS WAR 'BY OFFERING VARIETY'
That top 5 list in full:
1. EASTENDERS (Christmas Day) BBC 10.9m (featured David Tennant as a guest - arriving as the new Albert Square Doctor, only to be murdered in the Queen Vic.)
2. THE ROYLE FAMILY (Christmas Day) BBC 10.4m (featured David Tennant & Catherine Tate as special guest stars)
3. DOCTOR WHO (Christmas Day) BBC 10.2m (featured Catherine Tate as a special guest star)
4. THE CATHERINE TATE SHOW (Christmas Day) BBC 9.2m (featured David Tennant as a special guest star)
5. THE TOP 100 SHOWS STARRING CATHERINE TATE AND/OR DAVID TENNANT (Christmas Day) CHANNEL 4 0.003m

New mag out now: The Art of Sneezing


click pic for hi-res